Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that features an elaborate set of coded clues to help you find that Nic Cage treasure that’s buried in George Washington’s grave or whatever.
Well we finally have some playoff teams decided, with three AFC divisions being clinched last week and one additional spot being secured by Arizona (ARE YOU READY FOR RYAN LINDLEY?!) We are SOOOO FUCKING CLOSE to playoff football that you can taste it! Do you taste that? It tastes like light beer and impotent men in bathtubs. TASTES LIKE AMERICA IS WHAT I’M SAYING!!!
With the way teams have matched up this season these playoffs could be amazing and terrifying all at once. Even if you cheer for a team that looks great at this point, there is still probably a team on the bubble that is fucking terrifying and that you’re praying won’t make the final cut. WELL GOD IS DEAF TO YOUR APPEALS ENJOY YOUR STEELERS/SAINTS SUPER BOWL.
There are a lot of teams that still have plenty to play for, whether it’s positioning or a playoff spot itself, so we only have three games this week devoid of playoff implications. I’m not going to hold you up here for too long. I’m getting too damn excited! ALMOST AT THE FINISH YOU GUYS!!! ON TO THE PICKS! LAST WEEK’S PICKS WENT 8-7-1 HOME TEAM IS IN CAPS I CAN’T STOP YELLING AHHHHHHHHHHHH
JACKSONVILLE -3 vs. Tennessee
BLLLLEEEEECCCCHHHHHH! Fuck. Jesus. Fuck. I feel like I just opened Jeffrey Dahmer’s refrigerator. At the very least, this could be the game that kills Thursday Night Football once and for all. The only reason a person should watch this game is if that person is Marcus Mariotta and they want to stop crying about possibly having to play for Tampa.
SAN FRANCISCO PK vs. San Diego
Wouldn’t it be funny if this was the game that San Fran finally put up 40 points and Colin Kaepernick didn’t look like an asshole? Maybe this season was one giant middle finger from Harbaugh to 49ers ownership for trying to trade him to the Browns last season. If someone tried to make me live in Cleveland for any reason I would do a lot worse than messing up their football team. Up to and including murder. Prison is bad sure, but at least it isn’t Cleveland.
Philadelphia -7.5 vs. WASHINGTON
Hoo boy. This Bobby Griffiths Junior shit is getting tiresome. Jay Gruden is mad because everyone thinks he’s being too hard on his quarterbacks by jerking them around and not being able to make up his mind and essentially wasting years of their lives and careers. Poor Jay Gruden. Can’t a guy who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and clearly pissing his pants on television every weekend just get a little slack? Say you worked with computers, and every week you took your computer, the most important part of your job, and smashed it against a wall. Then yelled at it. Then told the newspapers the computer needed to be a better computer, and that this other, shitty, computer you found in the trash would do a better job. Then you smashed that computer. Wouldn’t you feel like you deserved another chance?
MIAMI -6.5 vs. Minnesota
It’s that time of year where everybody wonders if the Dolphins are going to fire their coach and so they kind of scramble to figure out who is available while trying not to seem too obvious to the guy who still has the job. Usually Jim Harbaugh, disappointment, and denial are involved. I would like to see Miami win their last two games because I love it when teams miss the playoffs and cling to the whole “winning record!” thing like they wouldn’t have been better off going 0-16. It’s okay though; now that relations with Cuba are opening back up, people down there will have something to keep them from giving a shit about the Dolphins for a 31st consecutive year anyway.
Green Bay -10.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
You have this in the bag Tampa, don’t fuck it up now. Everyone else on the Buccaneers needs to look at the two guys who run their huddle, then look at the guy in the other huddle, and realize “Wow that’s why we’re not winning games, we should go out for ice cream instead of trying to beat these guys.” and then just do that. Just go get ice cream. Nobody is going to miss you. If you want to stay? Fine. Just for Chrissakes don’t accidentally pick up a football if one happens to come near you. Let that shit go, man. Find a better hill to die on.
Detroit -8 vs. CHICAGO
I saw this line and thought “What the fuck is goi- OH MY GOD!!!!!” And then I jumped on the twitter and it was confirmed: JIMMY CLA– USEN IS STARTING FOR THE BEARS!!!!!!! In the year of Our Lord 2014, Jimmy Clausen is starting a National Football League game for the Chicago Bears. He is not groping high school juniors at autograph shows. He is not pretending to throw a football in a real estate commercial. He is not selling jet-skis to pornographers. He is starting a professional football game, in the NFL. I’m pretty sure Charlie Weiss has eaten himself to death since the last time that sentence was true. You really have to hand it to Mark Trestman. He managed to take a team that had reasonable expectations of going to the playoffs, and turn them into a team that is STARTING JIMMY CLA– USEN IN A REAL LIFE FOOTBALL GAME!!!! I wouldn’t even let Jimmy Clausen start my car. Unless I thought someone had rigged a bomb in there. Then I would insist.
Atlanta +6 vs. NEW ORLEANS
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Fuck this division. I refuse to be a part of this any longer.
CAROLINA -3.5 vs. Cleveland
What did I just say?! ENOUGH! (Side note: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Johnny Football. I hope he has a long and storied NFL career and every story starts with “Wow holy shit did you see how bad Johnny Manziel sucked on Sunday?” That last game was a treat.)
New England -10 vs. NY JETS
Everyone is preparing for Rex Ryan to come up with a wacky game plan in what looks to be his final meaningful game against the Patriots for a little while. The consensus is that this is a dangerous game for the Pats because Ryan is going to throw the kitchen sink at them. Now this seems like a sound theory, but what the fuck does that actually entail? Is he going to put Geno Smith on Michael Vick’s shoulders? Give his safeties great big butterfly nets? Tie a rocket to Chris Johnson ala Wile E Coyote? There isn’t much he can do with his garbage team that will make them any less garbage. He can take a bunch of crazy risks but unless all of them work out this game is likely to be closer to 70-0 Patriots than 35-35. Then he’ll just flip off and cuss out the haters and rumble on into the night like one of those fat girls on Maury Povich who just cannot be controlled. I’ll miss you Rex.
PITTSBURGH -3 vs. Kansas City
Okay, this may be paranoia or another convoluted attempt at a jinx, but I have been getting a sick feeling that the Steelers are going to be playing in the Super Bowl this year. Because why wouldn’t a team who lost to the Jets and Buccaneers be the ones to keep the Patriots or Broncos out of the Super Bowl? Every time we think this team is dead and buried they end up fucking us over and I have to watch a big dumb rapist run around like he’s a goddamned hero. I’d love to see Kansas City win this game, but Andy Reid is going to be way too distracted by the piles of cole slaw and french fries on top of everything to pay any attention to football strategy. He’ll probably spend the entire game looking at his play sheet wondering “Where’s the fucking cole slaw?” His assistants might want to keep a bucket of the stuff nearby just to be safe.
Baltimore -5.5 vs. HOUSTON
Alright Houston. Why aren’t you starting JJ Watt at quarterback? All of your quarterbacks are dead. You want this guy to win the MVP. Seems like a perfect opportunity. Who knows, maybe he’s just great at that too? I promise you he will be no worse than Thad Lewis or Case Keenum. He’d probably be much better, since he would actually hit back instead of turning into dust like all of your other quarterbacks have so far. But why am I giving you advice? You started the season with Ryan Fitzpatrick under center so you obviously know what you’re doing. * does jerk off motion so triumphantly that everyone gets out of their cars on the highway like in the Everybody Hurts music video and joins in with me*
LOUIS -5 vs. NY Giants
* keeps doing the jerk off motion right on past this game while maintaining eye contact the entire time to assert dominance*
Buffalo -5.5 vs. OAKLAND
All of these lines are terrible this week. Is anybody going to make any damn money? I know I’m not. This might be the last game ever in Oakland until Mark Davis moves the team back after a stupid argument with San Antonio or Los Angeles or whatever. At least then we wouldn’t need to see anymore football games on baseball fields. I imagine the Coliseum grounds crew has been cutting Mark Davis’ hair that way for years to get back at him for fucking up their pristine infield.
DALLAS -3 vs. Indianapolis
FINE OKAY?! I’m taking Dallas finally. They’ve worn me down. Maybe we’ll get a Steelers/Cowboys Super Bowl and I’ll finally stop being such a coward and go through with killing myself. Is that what you want?! Well it won’t happen. This team is NOT going to the Super Bowl.
Seattle -7.5 vs. ARIZONA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA RYAN LINDLEY!!!! Ryan Lindley has zero career touchdowns, seven interceptions, and three fumbles lost. Ryan Lindley is what Johnny Manziel would be if he was caught in a bear trap. Putting Ryan Lindley at the helm of this NFC LEADING Cardinals team is like letting a drunk six year old drive your new Lexus. It’s going to be a disaster but it will probably at least be really funny unless the poor kid dies. Yes I like the Seahawks here. Very much.
Denver -3 vs. CINCINNATI
Of course Denver is going to win this game so I have to sit at home terrified while Tom Brady has to play a full game against Buffalo’s pass defense next week. Assholes.
LAST WEEK: 8-7-1 * slow exhale followed by a coughing fit*
SEASON TOTAL: 109-110-5