DICK PICKS!
UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that knows where girls pee from but won’t tell you because you’ll never shop at Target again.
Hey, last week was MARGINALLY BETTER! We’re heading in the right direction, and I anticipate that this week I will continue to hover around .500. Come for the dick jokes, stay for the mediocrity, is what I always say (I’ve never said this until right now but I promise to always say it from now on.)
Last week in the NFL, we actually got like four exciting games! Baltimore and Cleveland don’t count because they never count. The gameplay is trending up, even though right now there are really no clear cut favorites. Philadelphia, Cincinnati, and Arizona are your final three undefeated teams and nobody has a lick of faith that any of them can win a playoff game.
Russell Wilson showed Peyton Manning his dick AND balls. Tony Romo was Bizzaro Tony Romo where he sucked at the beginning of the game and then did not at the end. Kirk Cousins made a lot of racists feel good about themselves even though their team lost and will continue to do so, and that gaping red asshole Roger Goodell said a lot of stuff about getting his house in order which I’m assuming is code for “accusing immigrants of stealing.”
Come on, don’t worry about it. Jack’s a really great guy once you get to know him. (via foodandtell.com)
All in all a fairly good week for a league that nobody can talk about without bringing up the horrible scandals that continue to plague it. HOWEVER, if I were to play devil’s advocate, I would point out that a lot of players in the NFL actually seem like decent people, and it would be a shame for them to suffer just because their employers don’t give a shit about the guys in the league who are straight up psychopaths. If somebody in your office was a monstrous piece of shit it wouldn’t be fair for that to affect your ability to make a living, and YOU’RE probably not even suffering near constant brain trauma.
Everyone who runs a profitable company is a monster, and they all employ monsters, and will continue to do so until we finally drag the rich from their homes and slaughter them like hogs. So either keep giving them your money, or sharpen your damn knives. Anyway, before this devolves into an anarchic Marxist diatribe, ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in caps.
NY Giants +3.5 vs. WASHINGTON
I am currently 0-3 on Thursday nights, and an atrocious 0-3 at that. Why can’t I pick these games? Well, they’ve been fairly obvious, with the home teams winning in blowouts every week, so why am I taking another underdog on the road? Because years of substance abuse and head trauma have damaged my brain!
I am actually picking the Giants because I think they’re going to do that Giants thing where for a couple of weeks people think “Hey, maybe they finally got their shit together!” and then they lose 40-9 and everyone in New York tries to fire Tom Coughlin all at the same time. Will it be next week to Atlanta? The week after to Philadelphia? I don’t know, but I don’t think it will be this week. *watches Giants lose 63-6 on Thursday night and kicks a radiator so hard that I get a scholarship to karate college*
Oakland +3.5 vs. Miami (London, England)
OY GUVNA, THIS CHAV IS DRESSED LOIKE DAHF VADA HE IS! Raiders fans like to fancy themselves as the most intimidating fan base in the NFL, but I guarantee the hardest fans of even the shittiest English soccer teams would ruin their shit and then once their shit was ruined they would cry for twelve years EVEN THOUGH THEIR TEAM ALSO WON A SUPER BOWL AFTER A BULLSHIT CALL IN A DIVISIONAL PLAYOFF GAME THAT WENT AGAINST THE PATRIOTS.
What were we talking about again? Oh yeah this shitheap of a game. I like the Raiders because the Dolphins aren’t flying to London until Friday while the Raiders have been there all week fighting jet lag. Why aren’t the Dolphins going until two days before the game? How the fuck should I know? Maybe Ryan Tannehill had Florida Georgia Line tickets for Thursday night. Either way, fuck this game.
Green Bay -1.5 vs. CHICAGO
Okay, Chicago seems like the pick here, because they seem to be finding themselves offensively and the defense is out-performing everyone’s expectations. BUT… Green Bay tends to bring out the absolute worst in Jay Cutler. He’s 1-8 all-time against the Packers, with an 11/17 touchdown to interception ratio (LOOK AT ME DOING RESEARCH!) and honestly before I looked that up I thought “He’s usually pretty bad against Green Bay” but I didn’t think it was THAT bad. I can’t see the Packers falling to 1-3 (which could have been a potential 0-4. MORNHINWEG!!!) but then again I never thought I would be 27 years old with a failed marriage and a bedroom in a Chinese family’s attic so the future is always full of wonders.
HOUSTON -3 vs. Buffalo
Sammy Watkins and DeAndre Hopkins used to be college teammates! Ryan Fitzpatrick and Mario Williams are looking for revenge against their former teams! How many more meaningless story lines can we squeeze out of this garbage throwaway game?! Hopefully none because nobody cares and the only thing interesting about Houston is that dumb train that murders people. Go watch that train instead.
INDIANAPOLIS -7.5 vs. Tennessee
Andrew Luck just beat up on Jacksonville like they were an orphan who wandered into his cave and he wanted to eat their bones for dinner (because he is some kind of fairytale ogre, you see.) Now he gets to play the Titans, who I am STILL convinced are one of the least talented teams in the league. Maybe they’re not as bad as Jacksonville, but they certainly could be on any given day. Jake Locker is already on the hot seat at quarterback which really says a lot about his play because if the thought “It’s time to turn to Charlie Whitehurst” crosses your mind it better be because every other quarterback in the league died in a plane crash. Jake Locker: maybe worse than a devastating plane crash.
Carolina +3.5 vs. BALTIMORE
I don’t know if I have ever wanted to punch a person in the face as much as I wanted to punch Steve Bisciotti after seeing his press conference this week, and this was BEFORE I even took into account the fact that he’s Italian. If I were the head of the American Italian Anti-Defamation League I would just tell all Italian Americans to stop going on television because every time they do they embarrass their peers and their ancestors who fought so hard to corrupt this country’s unions. Putting an Italian on TV is like putting a 12 year old girl in charge of the radio: It will just make you hate every single 12 year old girl.
Detroit -2 vs. NY JETS
Can the Jets lose a THIRD consecutive game to an NFC North opponent???? Sure they can. They’re the fucking Jets.
PITTSBURGH -7.5 vs. Tampa Bay
This game was actually tougher to pick than it looks. Sure Tampa got annihilated last week and looked like a sack of medical waste in the process and had to turn to Mike Glennon at quarterback and made us remember that Lovie Smith is not the superstar coach that everyone thinks he is. SURE those things happened. BUT Pittsburgh’s defense was also felled by the Ebola virus or an assassin’s bullet or a bunch of unrelated injuries or something.
All I know is that everyone died or was badly wounded. So like I said, I had to think about this pick longer than I should have, but in the end… JESUS CHRIST TAMPA what the fuck are you even doing out there?
SAN DIEGO -13 vs. Jacksonville
I hate to lay the points on this big spreads this early in the season, especially at the start of Jacksonville’s Blake Bortles Renaissance, but god this defense is pathetic. They are allowing slightly less than 100 points per game (okay, 39.6666666666667, but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST 40 POINTS PER GAME!!!) and basically I don’t trust their offense to score 27 points. The Jaguars should not be. If the fucking Rams had moved a year earlier this team would be in Los Angeles where it belongs.
Philadelphia +4.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Ok, yes, I get it. San Francisco has to win a game eventually and maybe the Eagles aren’t that good, but I’m not buying it until I see SOMETHING out of this San Francisco offense. They have scored THREE second half points this season. One point per game in the second half. The Eagles on the other hand, have scored SEVENTY-FOUR second half points. So, my advice to the 49ers is to score 30 points in the first half or go to hell.
Atlanta -3 vs. MINNESOTA
The Teddy Bridgewater Era begins in Minnesota and they’re lucky to be playing a team with no pass rush or else they would be one hit away from returning to the Christian Ponder Era and we all remember how that went. Atlanta is just the better team here, and it’s going to be difficult for the Vikings to overcome their lack of a running game or passing game or any offensive competence when they have to cover Julio Jones for four quarters. But hey, at least it won’t start snowing in Minneapolis for another eight days or so… so there’s that.
New Orleans -3 vs. DALLAS
Oh good I’m taking another road team, that’s always fun. At least in this game I can be confident that Drew Brees is going to throw for 600 yards and 8 touchdowns because the Dallas pass defense is an affront to whatever god you may choose to believe in. They gave up 327 yards and 3 touchdowns to Austin Davis who is actually just a character from Friday Night Lights and not even a real NFL quarterback, so expect this to get ugly. New Orleans’ defense is also pretty bad this season, so maybe take the over of 53 because they’ll probably hit that in the first half. If you like long touchdown passes and confused defenders looking at each other because nobody knows where to be on any given play, then this game is for you.
KANSAS CITY +3.5 vs. New England
Okay, so, I am coming to grips with the reality that this New England offense is exceptionally bad. I blame Josh McDaniels, who should be fired after last week but won’t be because that would mean Bill Belichick would have to admit that he made a mistake and if that happened time would fold in on itself and there would be no more NFL because our bodies would be reduced to clouds of atoms.
After being flagged for three pick plays, the man calls ANOTHER pick play knowing that the refs are watching for it and will flag them every single time. This transcends arrogance and ventures into the autism spectrum. Anyway, this is, shockingly, the best defense New England has encountered so far this year, and they have the most talented running backs the Pats will face as well. Unless Andy Reid spends the entire game looking for his keys because they got lost in a roll of fat, then the Chiefs should be able to win this game and I will start taking hostages.
LAST WEEK: 8-7-1 *florescent lights buzzing*
SEASON TOTAL: 23-24-1
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