UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS! The only online NFL gambling column that is written by a sentient bag of barbershop floor hair clippings.
Well shut my mouth. Another stupid week of barely average gambling, made even worse by the fact that basically every game this past week was worse to watch than those ISIS videos if they were dubbed over with 311.
MORE NFL SCANDALS THIS WEEK TOO! Adrian Peterson beat the shit out of his kid with a switch which people from the south inform me is most definitely NOT A STICK. Now, I’m 100% against children, but if you’re dumb enough to have them then don’t fucking hit them because then they’ll just grow up into an asshole like you. “DON’T TELL ME HOW TO DISCIPLINE MY CHILDREN!” the idiots scream and we wouldn’t have to if you weren’t a fucking moron about it. “MY PARENTS HIT ME AND I’M OKAY!” no you’re not because you’re also a fucking jackass who thinks hitting kids is okay, just like your jackass parents.
Trust me, every time I’m within ten feet of a kid I want to drop it in a garbage can and then roll the garbage can down a very large hill and then maybe at the bottom of the hill there’s an abandoned mine that the can falls in and disappears. But I don’t do it. I walk AWAY from the kid, because I didn’t get careless about pulling out and I have that luxury.
Anybody who talks about the “pussification of America” should have to fight a much larger man than them because THAT’S HOW YOU GET TOUGHER YOU JUST GET THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU ALL DAY BACK WHEN I WAS A KID WE GOT THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF US BY GUYS WHOSE ENTIRE JOB WAS TO ROAM THE COUNTRYSIDE KICKING THE SHIT OUT OF US AND YOU KNOW WHAT?! IT TAUGHT US TO RESPECT THE GAME OF BASEBALL AND THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!
Anyway, through all of this, the gaping red asshole Roger Goodell has been mainly non-existent except to feed a couple vague soundbites to his harem of trusty media folk through “anonymous sources” and that’s good because maybe eventually he will just shrivel into a ball and get swept away in the rain like a slug that got salt poured on it.
Gotta tell you guys, the slate this week looks a little rough. We get a Super Bowl rematch (neat!) but also Baltimore vs. Cleveland (BOOOOOO.) Some of these games might be entertaining, but probably not, so I will offer my suggestions on how to make each one more watchable. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in CAPS.
Tampa Bay +6 vs. ATLANTA
Will I go 0 for the season on Thursday nights? ENTIRELY POSSIBLE! This line is too high for my liking on a short week against a competent defense, but also Tampa Bay can’t score any points so what the fuck do I know. Take the under maybe? This game would be improved if it was on Sunday like it’s supposed to be but instead the NFL continues to trot out these awful Thursday matchups where both offenses suck and if anyone decides to score it’s always just one team.
BUFFALO -2.5 vs. San Diego
Jesus, you trounce the defending champs and you’re getting points against the Bills? And I’m not taking those points? What the fuck is going on here? Oh right it’s the West Coast Team Early Sunday Game thing. But beyond that, is Buffalo actually good? Their defense seems to be. And the offense occasionally does a thing.
Maybe I’m laying the points here because Buffalo is good? Either way, I’m definitely not watching this game because it’s probably going to be boring as ants fucking (surprisingly boring.) What would make this game better would be if somehow the football got replaced with one of those cartoon bombs that never explode right when the wick goes down so someone walks up to it and then it explodes in their face and that person was Philip Rivers every time.
Dallas PK vs. ST. LOUIS
Oh Jesus how did this get on the schedule? Dallas’ defense is running into some pretty good luck because they haven’t really had to play an above-average offense yet so they’ll get to build up their confidence before it gets torn down by somebody who can accurately throw a football. You could make this game more watchable by firing tear gas at the Dallas bench every once in a while and yelling “WELCOME TO MISSOURI MOTHERFUCKERS” while they coughed and cried and ran around because I bet afterward everybody would have a laugh.
PHILADELPHIA -6.5 vs Washington
You guys ready for a secret?! Kirk Cousins ISN’T VERY GOOD! Shhhhhhhhhhhhh! It’s true though, and the pass rush is not going to have another monster week with Nick Foles not being able to keep the football in his hand for more than half a second. I have a feeling this game could get ugly and it might not be too long before fans in the DC area wish they hadn’t been so mean to the black guy. Oh yeah, and DeSean Jackson is back in Philly and this game would be made infinitely more watchable if nobody mentions that he used to play there.
Houston -2 vs NY GIANTS
Oh god, I’m taking Ryan Fitzpatrick as a road favorite, something must have gone horribly wrong. That something is the Giants offense! Thank you and God bless. This game would be made watchable if JJ Watt just puts Eli Manning out of his misery. It would be a mercy killing, like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest except Eli didn’t need the brain surgery to become retarded (FUCK YOU I KNOW HE BEAT MY TEAM IN TWO SUPER BOWLS)
NEW ORLEANS -10 vs. Minnesota
Okay, what the fuck New Orleans? Are you seriously that bad away from home? Fucking CLEVELAND??? You can’t even win in CLEVELAND??! Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints for being the only people to feel worse leaving Cleveland than entering it. Anyway, this team can’t be THAT bad and this is probably the week they up and go HAM and kick the shit out of somebody. And speaking of kicking the shit out of somebody weaker than you, the Vikings get to be the victim this week! One thing that could improve this game is if Rob Ryan funnels a Bud Light Stawberita after every Matt Cassell interception.
CINCINNATI -7 vs. Tennessee
BOOOOOOOOOO. Boooo. Andy Dalton and the Bengals look poised to cruise to a division title and play a team with a much worse record in the playoffs who will probably eat their fucking lunch. Good times! I would watch this game if Andy Dalton renounced Jesus Christ before the game and became an Islamic jihadist like so many of his ginger brethren. However after a successful suicide mission Dalton would get to heaven where there would be 0 virgins and 72 interceptions waiting for him.
Baltimore -2 vs. CLEVELAND
NO! NO! NOTHING could make this game watchable. Not a God. Damned. Fucking. Thing. You could replace all the players with dogs and as long as they have these fucking colors on I’m not watching. No fucking way. This game is lava.
Green Bay +2.5 vs DETROIT
What the fuck was that, Detroit? And Green Bay, don’t act like you didn’t almost do the same thing at HOME against the JETS. At least the Packers managed to unfuck themselves. I don’t know what the fuck Detroit was doing. This game might not be so bad if the fucking offenses show up and don’t just stumble around stepping on their own dicks like each has done in 50% of their games thus far. One improvement I would make would be to dress Mike McCarthy like a bowling pin and knock him down after every play.
Indianapolis -6.5 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Well, Jacksonville has given up a total of 1100 points by playing a style of defense where everyone is allowed to run freely and be open all the time, which isn’t the best way to counter Indy’s offensive strategy of “try to score points.” You could make this game better by taking over as Jacksonville’s GM and making shrewd and insightful personnel moves dating back to the early 2000’s but that would require a time machine and a desire to see football thrive in Jacksonville, Florida, so I guess just watch the game because Andrew Luck might do some fun stuff and he’s real ugly and spits a lot so that’s fun too.
NEW ENGLAND -14 vs. Oakland
Hoooo boy. This line is high, but it’s also fucking Oakland. They just let Ryan Fitzpatrick dick-slap them all over that baseball diamond they play on, so traveling across the country for an early game at New England is a tall order and they probably won’t be able to keep this very close.
This game could be improved if when they mention the Tuck Rule Game, which they obviously will, they don’t casually ignore the fact that CHARLES WOODSON SLAPPED BRADY IN THE HEAD WHICH IS ROUGHING THE PASSER AND WAS A BLOWN CALL ON AN OBVIOUS 15 YARD PENALTY SO THE PLAY IS A WASH SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT RAIDERS FANS JEEEEEEESUS.
San Francisco -3 vs ARIZONA
Drew Stanton? Carson Palmer? Eh, who the fuck cares? This team usually does well at home but this week I say fuck ’em. San Fran needs to bounce back from an embarrassing loss to the Bears and the Cardinals are once again a below average 2-0 team that will probably end up losing a game by 50 points at some point this season.
One thing that would improve this game would be if the state of Arizona was wiped off the map entirely and replaced by just a giant lake maybe? Arizona is the Dave and Buster’s of states in that anyone who enjoys spending time there should be sterilized.
SEATTLE -4.5 vs Denver
Is it a cop out to lay the points with the Seahawks at home? Well, Peyton Manning doesn’t like when it’s loud, and somebody told me before that Seattle is loud, so Peyton Manning might not have a very nice time in Seattle. However, he probably will be crying about his receivers being covered too good and might actually get some flags out of it.
I still don’t think it’s enough though. He really doesn’t like when it’s loud. Something that could make this game more fun to watch would be if Peyton tried to wear Wes Welker’s giant helmet to keep some of the noise out but his head became too large and started sucking satellites out of the sky.
Kansas City +4 vs MIAMI
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOME PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET STUCK WATCHING THIS INSTEAD OF THE GOOD GAME HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You could make this game more watchable by putting it on at a different time so that people actually see it outside of these two awful cities.
Pittsburgh +3 vs CAROLINA
Well, Carolina’s defense has looked great and Pittsburgh has looked like shit, so why am I picking the other way? Because every once in a while I like to think logically about a game and then think to myself “You know, you’re wrong A LOT” and then pick the other way, so that’s really what’s going on here.
I would be more likely to watch this game if Ben Roethlisberger could go back in time and stop himself from being a rapist but he would probably just go back in time and high five himself while he watched himself doing the rape and that’s vile PLEASE NOBODY EVER GIVE BEN ROETHLISBERGER A TIME MACHINE!
Chicago +3 vs NYJETS
Come on now, this is the Jets we’re talking about. They’re going to find a way to fuck up spectacularly. I would watch this game forever if it was just an endless stream of buttfumbles. Also if Rex Ryan wore a dress and Jay Cutler didn’t always look like such a penis.
LAST WEEK: 8-8-0 * wind chimes *
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