The Sociopath’s Guide to Smoking: Tofu -by Ted Pettingell

Teddy Pettingell

When Ted isn’t busy giving Unsolicited Advice, he loves to kill animals and smoke them until they are delicious. Now you can too!





What gives Ted? Tofu, that isn’t meat. I thought this was a meat smoking guide. What sort of right thinking American eats tofu?

Why don’t you shut up, voice in my head, and let me explain what’s going on here? If you believe in god, you know like a Christian god, something believable, not one of those eastern sci-fi religions, you know God created animals to serve man. It’s the same reason he created fossil fuels and woman. If you are like that, you should have no problem eating meat, but maybe you have no god. If that’s the case then you should know the universe is a cold, empty, uncaring monster. It has no time for compassion and empathy. All it knows is bloodlust and chaos.


The universe is a sociopath and thus the sociopath is nature’s perfect creation. A perfect reflection of itself, just a handsome, just as deadly. If that’s the case then why wouldn’t you eat meat? It tastes delicious and offers your caveman a brief moment of escape from the sense of impending doom.


This pug, like the universe, is a perfect murder machine.

Like the universe, this pug is a perfect murder machine.


Still though, there are misguided people out there who still choose to not eat meat. Maybe they are a coward who is scared of the taste of fun.  Maybe they are doing for health reasons. Although I can’t understand why anyone would go out of their way to live longer. We’ve already established the universe we live in is nothing more than a perfect murder machine.


So, a brief history of tofu. Tofu was discovered in Asia sometime after the invention of communism. After the Chairman took power and banned all things fun, the proletariat needed a source of protein. Through trial and error, they found that if you take soy beans and deprive them of their freedom, they turn into a mushy flavorless block. But what tofu lacks in flavor it makes up for in nutritional content. Or so the Chinese would have you believe. Anyway, tofu has become popular with vegetarians and right thinking people alike.



I had to invent this recipe myself because I get invited to a lot of parties (I’m very popular) where there are people who will not eat meat. They are usually some weird dude with a weirder beard or some girl who doesn’t believe in animal cruelty but has no problem wearing clothes made by child slaves in sweatshop somewhere. And you know what, those child slaves don’t have a choice, they have to eat tofu. Aren’t you just mocking them by pretending to like the cuisine they have to force down their collective food hole?



Ribs: An ACCEPTABLE summer-time-fun-cookout food



I guess what I’m saying is it would be rude to leave these people out of the Barbecue fun. Now, on to how to actually prepare tofu so that it is an acceptable cookout-summer-time-fun-food.








First, you need the right kind of tofu and that will be labeled extra firm. That is a bit of misnomer, because extra firm sounds like it would be robust and engorged. Its not. Extra firm tofu out of the package has the texture of a flaccid wet sponge.






IMG_6465 (1)


To remedy this, you need to cut the tofu into strips and begin to press the the water out of it. Wrap the strips in paper towels and place heavy object on top of them. Every 15 minutes remove the old paper towels and replace them with dry fresh ones. Repeat four or five times. This will take about an hour.



I didn’t say turning this mush in to proper fare wasn’t going to be a chore.




As you are pressing you can also begin preparing your marinade. The first step is to get out a tupperware container large enough to contain all of your tofu. Then assemble your ingredients.

I use Barbecue sauce, pineapple juice, and soy sauce. Make sure the Barbecue sauce is vegan. A lot of Barbecue sauce contains Worcestershire sauce.



Worcestershire sauce is made with anchovies. I know they’re barely in there but people with moral and health based diets can be real assholes when it comes to what the eat. If the fish has been soaking in vinegar so long its bones have dissolved into the sauce, is there really any meat in there at all?




Anyway, mix your Barbecue sauce, soy sauce, and pineapple juice together in your Tupperware. Once you finish pressing the tofu add it to the marinade, cover, and put in the fridge over night. One of the benefits of tofu being an edible sponge is once you’ve squeezed all of it own flavorless juice out it will really take on the flavor of what ever you surround it by.






The smoking is pretty straight forward. 225 degrees for two to three hours. If you have multiple racks you might want to rotate every hour so they cook evenly.  I would use a fruity wood like apple or cherry because a stronger more pungent wood like mesquite or hickory would over power the the tofu.




IMG_9631Once they are done smoking you can throw them on the grill and get them even crispier. If you’ve done everything right you’ll get a hunk of soy that tastes like barbecue and has the texture of a microwavable chicken nugget, which for tofu is as good as you are going to get.


Now you can score some babes because they will be impressed with how good of cook you are and how cultured and tolerant you are.


The end.


Follow me on twitter.  Go eat a steak.


(@tedpettingell, your #1 source for Erotica on twitter)

Ted is a contributor at Ted loves comedy. He hates writing short Bios about himself. Ted is very good at comedy. He is not very good at writing his Bio. Ted is constantly working on his comedy. Ted rarely works on writing his Bio. Ted tell his jokes at all the major clubs in Boston. Ted writes his Bio on his home computer. Ted has appeared in several comedy festivals. His Bio has not. Ted was the Comic in Residence at the Comedy Studio in December 2010. His Bio took the month off to spend time with family. Lets review Comedy Good, Bios Bad.

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