HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing
– by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that one time saw a guy on a motorcycle hit the front of a truck and then go flying over the truck into another truck. It was badass.
The purpose of this article is not merely to educate, but to turn you all into winners. Learning new skills is the best way to succeed in life and make enough money to buy large automobiles and closets that are on a different temperature setting than the rest of your house. One thing you will hear a lot in life is that winners don’t use drugs. This has been proven to be false by essentially every cool and successful person who has ever lived, from Barack Obama to Genghis Khan.
Winners use any drug that suits them, with the main difference being they know how to use drugs CORRECTLY. That’s what your D.A.R.E. counselor never told you. They don’t want you to know that doing drugs is cool and fun as long as you’re good at it. The reason for this, aside from them being do-gooder fascists looking for reasons to get uncomfortably close to impressionable youths, is that they themselves have tried drugs and ended up being bad at it so they want to kill the fun for everybody else.
There is a right way and a wrong way to do every drug, and it’s very important that you learn the right way or you will end up alone in a ditch or even worse, thinking it is a good idea to vote for Ron Paul. Despite not being a drug user myself (for the purposes of this article alcohol, nicotine, and various prescription medications found outside are not considered drugs) I am going to do you the solid (that’s drug talk for “favor”) of teaching you all
HOW TO — USE DRUGS
STEP ONE: Using Marijuana
I consider marijuana, or “pot” as it is called on the street, to be the worst of all drugs. It doesn’t have the ability to cause physical damage in the way that so-called “hard” drugs do, but the mental damage it inflicts is far worse than anyone cares to discuss. That’s because when you smoke “pot” the wrong way, it becomes literally the only thing you will ever talk about with anyone.
Marijuana infects your brain in a way that it becomes your identity and instead of having actual human interests and beliefs, your entire personality and ethos boils down to:
“This stuff should be legal, so I can keep smoking it every day like I do now only, you know, like, at the bank too? Haha, whoa wouldn’t that be weird? Like, if I just pulled out my bong in line at the bank and I’m all like ‘I’d like to make a deposit’ and then I just hand the cute teller a huge nug and she comes over to watch Adventure Time?”
NO! That is not how you do pot.
The best way to do pot is in a garage by yourself after supporting an unappreciative family for 20+ years. Maybe read some old Penthouse letters and eat Cool Whip out of the container with a spoon. You shouldn’t be allowed to take this type of break from reality unless reality has beaten you into a husk of the person you once were. Also never buy anything with a pot leaf on it for any reason ever or I’ll send some guys to your house.
STEP TWO: Using Cocaine
Okay, cocaine is a little trickier, because there are a lot of bad ways to use cocaine. Definitely don’t use cocaine if you’re an idiot college student or the number two pick in the NBA draft. Also you should never snort cocaine off of another person’s body because first of all germs and second of all it’s tacky and the point of all of this is to make you into a person who is cool not a person who would shout “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!” at the police.
Really, the only good way to do cocaine is on a large boat that you own, because if you don’t have enough money to own a boat large enough to fit several smaller boats inside it then you should not be spending money on cocaine. Even if somebody offers you cocaine for free, you don’t want to do it because at the very least you are obligated to listen to their coke-addled opinions on immigration and at the very worst you will end up doing ass to ass shows like Jennifer Connolly in Requiem For a Dream.
Cocaine is a weird drug in that its main effect is making you want more cocaine, and it doesn’t make sense to do a little if you can’t afford a lot of it. Also, if you are doing a lot of cocaine, it is a good idea not to make any plans or act on any of the ideas you have because that’s how things like Eddie Murphy’s music career or Dennis Rodman’s acting career happen.
STEP THREE: Using LSD
Most people think using LSD creates some sort of cosmic out of body experience that changes your life and allows you to see the world in new and exciting ways and these people are dumb assholes. LSD is a drug that makes hippies think they’re more in tune with the world than you are because they found a different way of poisoning their brain.
The worst thing you can do after taking LSD is tell everyone you know about your experience on LSD because it is the exact same thing as telling other people about a dream you had only somehow less interesting. Nobody cares about the really crazy trip you had that one time out in the woods because it’s exactly the same story as being out in the woods when you’re sober.
“One time I was tripping balls on a camping trip and I saw a bear” is the same story as “One time I was on a camping trip and I saw a bear” only one of them makes you sound like an idiot. Guess which one? The right way to take LSD is before your next trip to the dentist because it will make the experience so horrifying and traumatic that the next time you go to the dentist won’t be so bad and maybe then you’ll start taking better care of your disgusting teeth.
STEP FOUR: Using Bath Salts
Using bath salts is by and large a terrible idea unless you have been working up the courage to cannibalize your neighbors and you just need that extra push in the right direction. Don’t take bath salts with the express purpose of eating people, because that just signifies that you are a coward who didn’t even have the stones to chow down on human flesh without a crutch. Grow a pair.
The right way to take bath salts is before your trial for the murder of the people you cannibalized, because you will come across as such a lunatic that you might get to hang out in a mental hospital for the rest of your life instead of getting beaten with a sack of doorknobs by the governor or however they’re putting people to death these days.
STEP FIVE: Using Heroin
Okay. DO NOT — USE HEROIN. I will not endorse the use of heroin. My imagination can only go so far, and I cannot think of a correct way to use heroin that won’t result in your life being completely and utterly in shambles and everyone you know and love turning on you and losing faith and trust in you forever.
What’s that? Your life is already in shambles? Everyone you know and love has written you off long ago? Well, alright then. Go nuts.
And there you have it.
Five easy steps on the road to becoming a successful and responsible drug user. Now go out there and use all the drugs you want, but remember to develop actual interests and talents first because otherwise all you’re going to talk about is your drug use and you will become insufferable. And once that happens I’m sending some guys to your house.
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