The Unsolicited Advice Column
– by Ted Pettingell
A weekly advice column with questions ripped from the headlines (of social media) and answered by our own delightful little scamp who probably hates you, Ted.
Welcome to another exciting installment of the Unsolicited Advice Column, if you are a returning customer. If you are new to this I can only assume it’s because of some sort of internet disaster has happened and in a truly unfortunate twist of fate, the only comedy website that survived is UnScene Comedy. That being the case, I really do feel bad for you, since these columns are really starting to drop off in quality and I believe it is a problem that will only get exponentially worse. So, since I can and because the rest of the internet is dead, here is a…
Top Five List of the Websites Who’s Mutilated Corpses I Will Dance Upon:
1. Cracked.com:
The way you obsessively dissect pop culture is the same way I’m going to dissect your dead body.
2. Collegehumor.com:
Looks like you dropped out of existence. Boom nailed it.
3. Buzzfeed:
More like buzzkilled.
4. Reddit:
More like deadit. Boom nailed it again.
5. Umm. I could only think of four:
This might be why Cracked keeps rejecting my articles.
Lets get back on topic. If you are a regular reader of these things, how about you start following the people on twitter that I take questions from? At least for a couple of days after these things go up. I think it would be funny if all of a sudden these people got a bump of a few hundred follow… I mean a bump of a few hundred thousand followers only to have it taken a way a few days later. Also if you enjoy reading these how about you follow @tedpettingell on twitter. Remember, life is nothing but an internet popularity contest. The sooner you help me win it, the sooner I can take all of you away from your empty little lives. To the questions!
Our first question comes from @okpants: Who gets to drink the bucket filled with the drinks done wrong?#taffertalk
Well, Mr. Pants, I believe you are talking about Spike TV’s hit program, Bar Rescue and are referring to the bucket of drinks they throw out during one of the Stress Tests. Has it ever occurred to you that you may have a problem with substance abuse? Think about it, you are sitting there just watching TV and even the sight of a bucket full of vodka, melted ice, old sour mix, creme de menthe, and probably some rat feces is making your mouth water. Maybe you should turn off your TV, log off twitter, and drunkenly drive yourself to the nearest rehab facility. Jon Taffer would tell you the same thing, except for maybe the drunk driving part, but that’s only because he’s afraid to push things to the limit. What limit you ask? The blood alcohol content you are legally allowed to operate a motor vehicle at.
The second question comes from @UHR: @jontaffer Will you be my dad? #TafferTalk
Allow me to answer this question for Mr. Taffer. Jon Taffer is to busy being a busy business man to be taking in stray man children like myself… Yourself. The sooner you realize that the sooner you can stop sending him the erotic fan fiction you have been writing him where you call him daddy. “Daddy I spilled all the martinis, I’ve been a bad boy daddy, how about you rescue my tongue with your asshole,” Taffer heres these sort of things all the time and he’s just not interested. For gods sake, the man invented NFL Sunday Ticket. If he felt there was a demand for Jon Taffer erotic fan fiction he would figure out how to monetize it and make it available in an ON Demand way.
Our final question today is from @jontaffer: From my interview with @adamcarolla: “Do you know how many times I wash my hands?” When asked about rescuing bars on #BarRescue
No, Jon I don’t know how many times you wash your hands during bar rescue. But you can be sure as hell I’m going to tune into Adam Carolla’s podcast to find out. Man you truly are a master of promotion. I bring it up because I have an interesting opportunity for you. How would you like to get in on the ground floor of an exciting investment opportunity? As we can all see from most of this article you are very active on social media and this is another great way to get involved on the internet. Its called the Jon Taffer Erotic Fan Fiction Podcast. Each week we will read works submitted by listeners. You would play yourself naturally, I would play all the other roles. Roles like Vito, the old school Italian from Brooklyn who desperately needs his pizza bar rescued and has a dark desire toss your salad. Or Saul, the Jewish business man who traded in his 9 to 5 job for the bar life and is now swimming in debt and also needs your help auditioning for First Chair Rusty Trombone. You get the idea, ethnic stereotype eats your butthole. Its what the people want. Get back to me on twitter @tedpettingell.
Okay I’ll #taffertalk to you guys next week unless Mr. Taffer takes me up on this podcast idea.
Remember Follow @Tedpettingell on twitter.
Your Friend,
@Tedpettingell
