Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that only gets banned from malls for skateboarding.
It’s difficult to think about football when everything sucks and the world is a toilet and Tom Hardy isn’t even the sexiest man alive. But this column soldiers on, almost entirely due to the nagging of my friend Adam who is already sad about Deshaun getting killed and Tyrod getting benched so I can’t go and take this away from him too. Fucking baby.
Pretty much all that’s going on in the league is everybody is getting hurt and all of the teams suck because of this. The AFC is going to come down to the Pats/Chiefs/Steelers again because who else is going to win it the Jaguars get the fuck out of here if you say Jaguars to me I will throw you in a lake. The NFC looks like it has three really good teams but also five other teams that could beat those teams so their playoff race might be great and their playoff games might be great, but let’s be real they most probably will not. ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 7-5-2. As always, home teams are in caps.
Tennessee +7 vs. PITTSBURGH
Pittsburgh stinks and Tennessee also stinks and this game is on a Thursday night so that’s triple stink right there. If you watch this game you will get bowel cancer and then the cancer will eat through your butt and your butt will fall out.
Detroit -3 vs. CHICAGO
This game is fucking lame too. Chicago refuses to throw the ball more than three yards past the line of scrimmage because they’re scared of… what? Destroying your young QB’s confidence and ruining him forever? You’re the fucking Bears you will absolutely do that anyway. Give him the opportunity to chuck it down field and make use of *checks Bears WR depth chart* oh. Oh dear god.
Kansas City -10 vs. NY GIANTS
Ben McAdoo is a dead man walking but Andy Reid is a FED MAN WALKING BOOM go to hell.
MIAMI PK vs. Tampa Bay
I was going to refer to this as the Battle of Florida but then I remembered Jacksonville also has an NFL team and Jacksonville kind of wins the Battle of Florida just by being the most Florida place out of the three of these. Why Florida has three NFL teams is beyond me but I’m guessing it has something very much to do with collusion and graft.
GREEN BAY +2 vs. Baltimore
Goddammit get some fucking quarterbacks in this league or I’m going to kick a friggin hole into my neighbor’s apartment.
LA Rams +2 vs. MINNESOTA
Is Case Keenum good? I can’t figure out if he’s good because I don’t watch Vikings games because I was born with human emotions but his numbers seem to imply that he might be good. At this point I will take what I can get because we’re going to see a game this week between…
Arizona PK vs. HOUSTON
Blaine Gabbert and Tom Savage? Drew Stanton and TJ Yates??? 100% of people watching this game will be doing so from a locked cabinet wearing a gimp mask.
CLEVELAND +8 vs. Jacksonville
Blake Bortles might start a playoff game this year because Jacksonville’s defense is great and that feels like it should be illegal. When all of those troops and cops are out on the field before said playoff game they should take their guns out and point them at Bortles and be like “hell no motherfucker. This ends here. This is not fair and you are not allowed to make this happen.” And then if he tries to go onto the field anyway and they kill him maybe the black players will call it even and stop protesting. Even Steven?
Washington +8 vs. NEW ORLEANS
New Orleans looked very good last weekend against Buffalo which means, based on 2017 NFL logic, they will look like shit against Washington and probably give up 50 points and lose. Word around the league is that Washington may franchise Kirk Cousins again and pay him $35 million next year. I hope they can manage to fuck him over and call him by the wrong name again. This is a truly special organization.
LA CHARGERS -4 vs. Buffalo
Sorry Adam, Buffalo is bad and Tyrod got benched and their new quarterback’s name is like Nathan Periwinkle so they will never be good ever again. Also sorry I can’t make your dumb party for jerks this weekend but I’ll Skype in if anybody gets seriously injured.
DENVER -2.5 vs. Cincinnati
Ughhhhh get out of my face with this bullshit send these teams to the gulag.
New England -6.5 vs. Oakland (Mexico City)
Yo soy loco por los Patriots! Donde esta las drogas? Mas cervezas por favor. That’s about all of the Spanish I know except for the parts of La Bamba where he’s like “Yo no soy marinero, soy capitan” which I think means “Do not marinade me for I am your captain.” Back in the day on boats they used to eat people a lot read a history book.
DALLAS +4 vs. Philadelphia
Owners have allegedly looked into the option of kicking Jerry Jones out of the damn league and that would be the funniest turn of events possible in the NFL. It won’t happen though. At the end of the day these men are spineless cowards who only care about money and nobody has made them more money than Jerry. Except for the thousands of players who they have taken every opportunity to fuck over and send packing on a whim. Hmm…
Atlanta +2.5 vs. SEATTLE
This is a tough one because Seattle’s home field advantage is better than anywhere else in the league but also everybody on their team has died and now all they have is Russell Wilson running around the backfield like a tiny mouse trying to escape as many neighborhood cats as possible before they snap his neck and leave his corpse in front of your bedroom door to show you how good they are at killing and make you feel like a useless punk. Which you are. Especially Adam.
LAST WEEK: 7-5-2
SEASON TOTAL: 64-75-8