Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that fights fascism by refusing to get a haircut.
Last week’s column didn’t get posted because the editor of the site was so traumatized by the election results that he had a nervous breakdown and now he’s started a new life at the bottom of the sea. We’ll miss you Shawn I hope you have fun with the lobsters and octopi.
As far as actual NFL news, the Patriots lost! This means that everyone in the NFL with the exception of possibly the Cowboys, is very bad. How wonderful!
I know one loss to an allegedly pretty good team shouldn’t be a big deal, but holy shit their defense was terrible. Every contender now has one horrible flaw that can be exploited by a coach who is not a brazen moron. How many such coaches exist is up for debate, but this means the whole damn thing is pretty much up for grabs, which is great if you like watching frustratingly flawed football and seeing one terrible weak link on any given team take all of the blame for destroying everybody else’s hopes and dreams. Maybe when the playoffs roll around we’ll pick each team’s player most likely to receive death threats for completely blowing it and ruining everything and making everybody sad. Should be a great time! ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks, which have been lost to history, went 6-7-1. I could have lied to you and said they went 14-0, but I respect you too much to think you would ever believe I was good at this. As always, home team is in caps.
CAROLINA -3 vs. New Orleans
Hoooo boy those losses last week for these teams were brutal. This is still a big game though, since neither of these teams is out of the race in their piss-poor excuse for a division. This is the NFC South I remember. Just go through the motions, lose a playoff game at home, and get out of my goddamned face. Everyone will appreciate it, I promise.
Tennessee +3 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
Ugh Jesus Christ. Why do they even have the NFL in the south? If the Titans ever played the Falcons in the Super Bowl the only sound you’d hear coming from Georgia and Tennessee would be NFL fans stashing away their Cowboys gear for two weeks and frantically googling who the fuck plays for those teams.
DETROIT -6.5 vs. Jacksonville
Blake Bortles is already Jay Cutler and there’s nothing he can do about it. Might as well buy a bunch of sweat pants and start calling his offensive coordinator a clown.
KANSAS CITY -7.5 vs. Tampa Bay
Marcus Peters is a bad man. All he does is go out there and get the damn football. It’s great to watch, but it’s frustrating for Andy Reid. The 5-10 minutes the defense is on the field is usually set aside for him to eat fried pickles. All those turnovers are cutting into Andy’s pickle time.
Chicago +7.5 vs. NY GIANTS
I don’t think the Giants are capable of beating a team by more than a touchdown. I think if they go up by more than seven Eli immediately freaks out because one time he ate more than seven Almond Joys and got really sick so now he KNOWS that more than seven means pukey time and Eli hates pukey time.
MINNESOTA pk vs. Arizona
Speaking of pukey time, get these fake contenders out of my fucking face before I throw up and Sam Bradford and Carson Palmer race each other to get away from the throw up but they both pull their hamstrings too close to the throw up and as they’re grabbing their hamstrings they accidentally limp into the throw up and tear their ACLs.
CINCINNATI -2.5 vs. Buffalo
DALLAS -7 vs. Baltimore
I learned recently that “Dak” is short for Dakota, but that’s Dak Prescott’s middle name. His real first name is Rayne. He could have been Rayne Prescott and instead he went with Dak so don’t try to sell me on this kid being a good decision maker.
Pittsburgh +8 vs. CLEVELAND
The most intriguing question in this game is how many quarterbacks the Browns plan on using. I think they should give everybody a chance. At this point in the season, at 0-10, I would like to see more minor-league-baseball-esque promotions and shenanigans coming from Cleveland. A minor league baseball team in New Orleans just changed their name to the Baby Cakes, and it’s a real shame the Browns hadn’t thought of that one first. “The Cleveland Baby Cakes: because when you think of Cleveland football, you think of crying and getting very fat.”
Miami -1.5 vs. LOS ANGELES
JARED GOFF IS STARTING FOR THE RAMS THIS WEEK WHICH MEANS WE GET TO POINT AND LAUGH AT ANOTHER STUPID DECISION JEFF FISHER MADE! Goff will be giving handjobs in aqueducts in five years telling anyone who will listen that he was drafted ahead of Carson Wentz and Dak Prescott. Sure you were buddy. Just keep working that shaft.
New England -13 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
It’s Tom Brady’s first game playing relatively close to where he grew up! Surely he’ll have dozens of friends and family in the stands he will want to impress, along with potentially dozens of other people who still think it’s a good idea to go to 49ers games.
SEATTLE -6 vs. Philadelphia
Pete Carroll was vindicated when the Patriots also fucked up their last possession on the goal line to lose the game. No, he really wasn’t, but that’s what he’s telling himself. That, and that if he puts his headset on backwards the government can only hear the opposite of what he’s really thinking.
WASHINGTON -2.5 vs. Green Bay
Another important thing lost in last week’s column was my realization that Mike McCarthy looks like a cartoon beaver. Just look at his stupid face. Maybe his team wouldn’t suck so bad if Dave Coulier stuck a hand up his ass and called the plays for him.
Oakland -6 vs. Houston (Mexico City)
The NFL is playing a game in Mexico because they want the world to see that harmful and archaic drug policies are always a great idea and they always work out for the best.
LAST WEEK: 6-7-1
SEASON TOTAL: 71-68-5