Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will continue committing horrible atrocities until Obama shows proper respect for our troops.
Gahhhh only three goddamned football games left in the season and then people are going to start talking about baseball even though everyone who even likes baseball is probably going to die in this storm that’s coming because they are old as fuck and didn’t stock up on yams or whatever old people eat.
Last weekend’s games weren’t so bad! The New England/KC and Carolina/Seattle games weren’t as close as the score made them seem, but my god watching Andy Reid do the most Andy Reid thing that has ever Andy Reided was fucking incredible. That couldn’t have been any more Andy Reid unless his head was stuck in a jar of honey. YOU HAD THREE TIMEOUTS AND YOU NEEDED TWO TOUCHDOWNS! They need to lock this guy in a fucking cabinet once the clock hits 7:30 in the fourth quarter.
The Packers/Cardinals game was the highlight of the weekend. It was only tarnished because Mike McCarthy did his best Andy Reid impression by failing to go for two when his team could have won the game by gaining TWO YARDS after taking all of the air out of the Cardinals defense. Two years in a row Mike McCarthy fucks the Packers’ season and the first thing he decides is that he’s calling plays again next year. “Sure we lost our last two playoff games in heartbreaking fashion but conservative play calling is the only way to keep my asthma from acting up.”
Carolina and Seattle each played one half of football which was fucking annoying. If Carolina gets to the Super Bowl the Broncos or Pats might as well hope they fall into a 24-0 hole in the first half so the Panthers get “butt tight” and give up 30 straight points. I’m not sure why Cam Newton was calling them butt tight. I really want Cam to come out this weekend after a win and say “We sat down this week and talked about how important it was to keep our butts loose. Can’t stress how much a loose butt means to me and the rest of this team.” I want “Butt Loose” to be this year’s “Do Your Job” and I want Kenny Loggins to record “ButtLoose” and make it the theme of the 2015 Carolina Panthers. I don’t ask for much.
I don’t even want to talk about Pittsburgh vs. Denver because that was the floating garbage island of a game I expected it to be. Peyton managed to not completely fuck up and that was the best thing you could say about the way he played other than “he didn’t die out there” which is not the best sign for a team’s Super Bowl chances. Although maybe he died a few weeks ago and there’s some kind of Weekend at Bernie’s 2 thing going on where a voodoo curse is controlling all of his motions and Jonathan Silverman walks around biting his fist hoping nobody notices because then he’ll have to stop sleeping in Peyton’s Papa John’s-themed fuck mansion. Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 1-2-1. As always, the home team is in caps.
DENVER +3.5 vs. New England
Not sure what Pats fans are getting so cocky about. Yeah Manning looks and moves like an inbred Frankenstein, but winning in Denver isn’t exactly easy. Denver’s defense is still damn good, and they’ve already got their Legion of Doom shoulder pads out to impale Gronk’s knee and make everyone in New England say the n-word all at the same time.
I think this is also going to be a shitty, sloppy game, and the score will probably be something like 19-17 and Jim Nantz might actually cry because he’ll think it’s the last Manning/Brady matchup ever. I don’t want Jim Nantz to cry over that. If Jim Nantz is going to cry on live television I want him to cry because he got his dick caught in an elevator door, or because somebody poisoned the grass at Augusta, or because somebody poisoned his dick and after he got done fucking the grass at Augusta it all died and it was his fault and then he went and parked his car on a bridge and shot himself. I am a simple man with simple requests from this world.
I was pessimistic about the Pats last week too, but every goddamned week the team that all of a sudden looks like the best team in football comes out and lays an egg in their next game. This game is still days away and I’m already punching things.
CAROLINA -3 vs. Arizona
I don’t know how Bruce Arians and Ron Rivera became the two best coaches in football that aren’t Bill Belichick, but here we are. Rivera has a franchise quarterback, which always helps, but Bruce Arians is doing this with Carson Fucking Palmer, who is literally held together with parts of dead people. Carson Palmer wasn’t good for like eight years and then Arians turned him into prime Kurt Warner only he doesn’t want to kiss Jesus on the penis. Probably. I don’t know, I guess most of these NFL types probably want to kiss Jesus on the penis. I imagine it has something to do with the concussions and the fact that Jesus was pretty hot for a Jewish dude.
I was initially hoping Arizona would win this game, but now I’m fully behind the Panthers for one reason and one reason only: OPEN LETTERS TO CAM NEWTON. This is becoming my favorite recurring storyline in sports. Cam Newton wins a game, Cam Newton does something silly, and white people lose their shit and chastise him like he’s an unruly toddler who just took his pants off in church even though he’s a little to old to still be taking his pants off in church. What horrors will he subject white America to this week? Suggestive gyrations? Crotch chopping? Gang signs?! Personally I hope he does the split-fingers-pussy-eating gesture. That’s how you get ButtLoose.
LAST WEEK: 1-2-1 *horse explosion*