Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that will eat way too much raspberry sherbet and there’s nothing you can do about it because I’m a goddamned adult and if I get a stomachache that’s my fucking business.
Here we are, the VERY LAST SONG I HEARD TODAY probably ever, since next year I will most likely be doing a different column because I grow weary of things very quickly. BUT OH MAN YOU GUYS I NEVER GET TIRED OF GAMBLING AND NEXT WEEK IS THE RETURN OF DICK PICKS!
But before we get to that, there is the matter of this final column. Writing about music for a whole off-season was a nice change of pace, and I really wanted to go out with a bang. I’ve waited a whole damn summer for this, but we’re finally here. We’ve gone through some really excellent music, and some really godawful trash noise, but we have yet to touch on the most fascinating man in music history. He is an industry giant, whose brilliance spans decades and defies time, space, and dimension. A once in a generation talent, a genius of the highest order. This man is to music what God is to, I don’t know, creating shit I guess. But don’t compare him to God. That will only make him angry, because this man is: GLENN DANZIG *guitar shredding noises but also wolf howls and maybe a spooky ghost laugh*
THAT’S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKER IT’S DANZIG!!! I probably could have done an entire year’s worth of column just on Danzig songs, or Danzig’s interviews, or pictures of Danzig next to various things, but I backed myself into a corner, and now somehow I have to do JUST ONE SONG, which seems next to impossible. How would I even pick when they could all be counted among the greatest songs since the first caveman starting hitting rib bones with thigh bones to create a very primitive xylophone? HOLY SHIT I’M ALREADY TALKING ABOUT BONES THIS IS GOING TO BE AWESOME!!!
After careful consideration, I have chosen Danzig’s AM I DEMON?
AND YOU BETTER BET YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS HE IS DAEMON
(Note: this is how I will be spelling it for the remainder of the column.) Let’s get to it!
Glenn. Danzig. How can I even describe Glenn Danzig? He’s like if Dracula and the Wolfman had a baby BUT NOT IN A GAY WAY! And if that baby never wore a shirt because presumably he’s always hot because he’s constantly surrounded by fire and brimstone because HE IS EVIL AS HELL. He’s pretty much the Pope but for Satan. You know that movie The Bone Collector? That’s about Glenn Danzig because all he does is collect bones and build furniture out of them and then he sits in his bone furniture and scowls at the financial report on TV (FUCKIN’ OBAMA!)
After Charlie Daniels stole the devil’s golden fiddle Danzig went and found Charlie and shoved the damn fiddle up his ass because Danzig and the devil are VERY GOOD FRIENDS. THEY BUY EACH OTHER AMAZON GIFT CARDS FOR THEIR RESPECTIVE BIRTHDAYS AND DANZIG ALWAYS EVEN MAKES HIS $25 MORE. Danzig is such good friends with the devil that he gets to go down to hell just to ask Hitler questions as long as he promises to lock up on the way out so that Hitler doesn’t escape and come back AND HE HAS NOT YET SO YOU KNOW THAT DANZIG IS ALSO RESPONSIBLE AS FUCK.
Upon first listen, you would think a pack of hell-hounds were howling outside your door and trying to break in to steal your soul.
This is the type of song TIME magazine writes cover stories about. This is the kind of music Republicans try to ban because they think it’s making our children take their constitutionally mandated guns to school AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSES OF PROTECTING THEIR SCHOLASTIC FREEDOM FROM TYRANNY!
And they should be scared, because this is music for people who DO NOT DO WHAT THEY ARE TOLD! Eat my vegetables? FUCK OFF! Drive the speed limit? NOT A CHANCE BUDDY! Acquire the proper permits before holding my occult ceremonies on municipal property? YOU’RE NOT MY DAD MY DAD IS SATAN AND HE SAYS FUCK YOU PAL!
Danzig probably wrote this song on the back of a wolf with the blood of a virgin and every time he forgot the lyrics during recording he just whistled and the wolf came in so he could read it but his handwriting was very hard to read so the wolf just sang the song to him instead because Danzig can communicate with wolves. This song is a haunted house made out of fistfights. Let’s get to the lyrics.
Hordes of faces/Empty eyes/I see nothing new
Get your shit together faces! Danzig is unimpressed by the whole horde of you! Maybe if you had some crazy burn scars or like a worm crawling out of an empty eye socket he would be interested. Right now though? You just look like a bunch of fucking rubes.
Seasoned schemes of slimy curs/Offer up their flu
I don’t know what the hell this means but if you curs get Danzig sick you’ll have hell to pay HE’S FROM NEW JERSEY HIS IMMUNE SYSTEM ISN’T GREAT.
Am I beast or/Am I human/Am I just like you
Trick question. Danzig is a human/beast hybrid who stalks the plains at night looking for people just like you so he can crunch your bones between his powerful beast jaws. Then he’ll go get a chai tea like a HUMAN because his throat feels a little scratchy. Whether it is from some cur coughing on him or from your hair and teeth aggravating his throat is still unknown.
Power seething/Really reeling/Reaching out for you
Again, the words themselves don’t have to actually mean anything, it is the intention behind the words. And those intentions are to get you and crunch your bones.
Am I daemon?
Is this a rhetorical question? Heck yes you are.
You need to know
I already know Glenn. We all know. You even showed us your official badge that the devil gave you when you passed your daemon exam. We were all very proud. We even got you a cake, remember?
Faces of a million hells/Rage inside these veins
See, THOSE are the kind of faces Danzig needs to see. Not your garbage everyday walking-around-looking-like-an-asshole face. Hell up that fucking face of yours and put it in Danzig’s veins or go kick rocks kemosabe. HE NEEDS HIS FIX AND YOUR IDIOT NORMY FACE ISN’T GOING TO HELP HIM CHASE HIS HELL DRAGON!
Pounding out deserved pain/To anyone in need
“Need pain? Feel like you deserve it? Well then come on down to Glenn Danzig’s ‘Million Hells Vein Raging Bone Crunching Pain Emporium’ where we can accommodate all of your pain needs as long as your face isn’t boring and you don’t have the flu. Now go away. I think I just heard a witch laughing outside and I need to investigate.”
Every world and every limb/Torn asunder base
That’s right motherfucker. Next time Danzig goes to hell he’s taking your arms and legs with him and presenting them to Satan like a bouquet because then maybe he’ll get that kiss he’s been after.
Everything I need is me/Everything I am
DANZIG DOESN’T NEED COMPANIONSHIP ALL HE NEEDS IS DANZIG! And your bones. And various herbs and roots for casting spells. And his cats. And a chair made out of human skin. And his Creepy Crawlers oven for making cool bugs. But not real bugs because bugs are gross. And definitely not shirts HE DOESN’T EVER NEED SHIRTS YOU GUYS!
This song gets an A with 666 pluses.
If it doesn’t make you want to chop up your family with an ax then you’re listening to it wrong. You should be listening to this song non-stop and highlighting passages in the Necronomicon BUT NOT WITH A PINK HIGHLIGHTER PINK IS FOR GIRLS.