Aries (March 21 – April 19): This is the week that you take the deal and work with the feds in order to nail that deranged clown. You know his habits, where he hangs out, and his friends. Just make sure that you get absolute immunity because you’re going to have to talk about some of the really messed up crimes you and the clown committed together.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): New Years Eve is quickly approaching. Don’t have anyone to kiss? Don’t worry about it! The world is going to end December 30th.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Much of this week will be spent at stores trying to return gifts. Maybe next year you should try to be a little less vague about what sorts of things you might enjoy. Nobody likes to give cash or a gift card so sometimes your friends and family guess wrong and give you a tub of mayonnaise.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Stop pretending to be Jewish just to eat Chinese food on Christmas, you can eat what ever you want on Christmas. The Jews are on to you, and the Chinese appreciate it ether way.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Searching for a new apartment can be frustrating. Nothing ever looks like it does in the ads. Try to keep your cool because murdering the real estate agent is still a crime.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Ok, so you told everybody that their gifts were in the mail. You better get to ordering gifts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): I know you don’t want to go out for New Years Eve. I know you’re not the most social person and you can get a little grumpy if you have to stay awake until midnight. You should still go to one of those parties. Otherwise you’re turning down 20 different parties and are truly the grumpiest of all.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You should have reviewed your finances before buying your wife that car for Christmas. Yeah, it was fun when she came out to a car with a bow on it, but it’s only going to be a little funny when she comes out to find a repo man with a chain on it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): I understand that you’ve been preparing for doomsday, but you’re going to need more than bees and honey. That fruit you preserved is good too. But let’s face it, you need guns. Lots and lots of guns.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Your New Years resolution this year is to make a big change in your life. You decide to move to Georgia. The south has always fascinated you. However, you booked your tickets wrong and ended up in Georgia Russia. You knew that flight seemed long, but you didn’t say anything… there was a lot of free vodka.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): You’ve been training too hard. Take a week off. The gym is gonna be full for the next month anyway. You don’t want to have to wait 20 minutes for your turn to wrestle the bear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You always follow advice that’s written on bathroom walls. You’ve called so many “wrong numbers” looking for a good time. I don’t see any reason to stop taking the bathroom wall’s advice at this point.