After invading Ukraine, Putin reveals that he controls the weather. Republicans finally want to do something about climate change.

“1 Trillion Bitcoins! Muahaha ha. ha.”

This week after, invading Ukraine, Vladimir Putin revealed that he controls the weather and demanded that the world give him 1 trillion bitcoins and the complete blue ray dvd collection of Golden Girls. When people questioned if he could really control the weather, Putin replied “You fools! How do you think I managed to host the Winter Olympics at a summer beach resort! It’s because we have the technology to contain the weather to specific regions”. When pressed further on the details, Putin revealed that it was a modified version of the McDLT technology which kept the hot side hot and the cold side cold. “However, as you know, there was always an issue keeping the cold side cold, which is why the skiing conditions were so bad at Sochi” said Putin. “But we can make it very cold in Washington, DC, so America would be well advised to give me the bitcoins and the Golden Girls dvds. Oh, and maybe a blue ray DVD player”

The Obama administration reacted swiftly to the crisis, issuing several strongly worded statements that culminated with Secretary of State John Kerry threatening Russia with possible economic sanctions. Kerry continued “In addition to sanctions, the US and their friends will not be coming to Russia’s G8 party and if we do see Putin at a public event we will say bad things about him to each other just loud enough for him to hear us”. Off the record the state department said if the situation escalates, the administration would consider the nuclear option – de-friending Putin on Facebook.

Is Putin’s request for bitcoins part of an elaborate plan where he was behind the devaluation and will be in position to reap a large windfall when they bounce back? Will the Russians attack Ukraine? Will Blanche, Rose and Dorothy overcome the flu in time to win the Volunteer of the Year award? The world anxiously awaits the answers.