Chapter 5, Part 2: “Who Ordered the Death?”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!
A wise man once said, there but before the grace of God go I… or something like that. Well what I’m saying right now is, there but, WHAT THE HECK IS IN FRONT OF ME? The otherworldy goddess stood before me. Her skin pulsated and rippled like horny gelatin.
She looked like a Predator and Captain Jack Sparrow gave birth to a goth Mary Poppins who got stuck inside one of those blue things from Avatar. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve completely lost the ability to describe things without the aid of movie references.
She licked her lips and spat out some human wang that was stuck between her teeth. I was more scared than a hat on a windy day. She opened her mouth to speak, what could this parallel femme fatale have to say?
“Ohhhh yeahhhh! I’m back baby!” The creature exhumed in a high pitched voice that sounded like a cross between a North Timbern Beaver-Owl and Urkel from Family Matters. “I can’t believe I’m back. I wanna fucking party like a birthday. I want to fuck and suck this whole planet. Tewwhhllll!”
I grimaced like someone just poured toenails into my milkshake. My fear boner was quickly replaced with an extremely unaroused boner. I’ve never been less turned on in my life and I once watched a documentary on how to organize spoons. As if she could sense my disgust she twerked her head over to my direction.
“Hey you! You ready? I wanna blow up big! I want to eat garbage at funeral and let old punks take large craps on my butt. You gotta help me find some nachos with drugs in them. Tewwhhllll!”
“Listen toots, I got to stop you right there. Everything you’re doing is disgusting and pretty fucking dumb to be completely honest.” I explained to the moron.
“I’m just being myself. Don’t hate me if you can’t handle it. Tewwhhllll!”
“Why do you keep saying that? What does it even mean?”
“Tewwhhllll? Why tewwhhllll means tewwhhllll. I’m totally teeewwwwhhhllll!”
“Fuck this shit.” One of the silent crime bosses emerged from his hiding place in the shadows and raised a gun to the annoying creature. He fired a shot and hit her square in the breast. Nothing but nip. He fired again this time square in the head. He kept firing until he was out of bullets. “Hey! Fuggedaboutit.” He screamed as he threw his piece at what can only be assumed to be an interdimensional vagina.
“Oh you shouldn’t have done that. Tewwhhllll!” She galloped over to him like a gazelle in a three meter dash. She pounced on him, surprisingly nimble for such a socially awkward monster.
She ripped off his arm and shoved it up his butt. He screamed like a man whose arm just got ripped off and shoved up his own butt.
She than began to slap his face with her titties. To some this might sound like a good thing but what you idiots might not realize is that her tits were covered with millions of tiny thorns that stabbed and jabbed at his person and painted his once beautiful Sicilian face a deadly shade of crimson red. The man slumped ever so impotently to the floor. “Oh tewwhhlll! I killed him. I killed him in a horrible fashion.”
It was at this time I knew that I fucked with this bitch that I’d be fucking with the Queen of hurt city and I wasn’t about to play the pain game. She once again turned her attentions towards me. Figures, a girl finally notices me and it turns out to be a crazy wackadoo from planet YIKES!
“Hey you! You’re going to take me to the president. I’m either gonna fuck him and eat him or kill him and fuck him! Tewwhhllll!”
So that’s when our road trip began…