DICK PICKS!
UnScene Comedy’s Weekly NFL Gambling Column
by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS, the only online NFL gambling column that is recognized as an independent state by the North Korean government.
Wow guys, I was wrong A LOT last week. I was only one game away from a .500 record, but Jesus the games I got wrong were EXTRA wrong. The only way I could have been more wrong is if I publicly botched a high profile domestic violence case and shamelessly lied to cover my own ass OH WAIT! The gaping red asshole Roger Goodell, even after supposedly owning up to a mistake, managed to shoot off his own dick and balls once again this week!
It would be comical how badly he has fucked this investigation up, if it wasn’t so horrifying and transparently evil. Nobody believes that he saw the video of Ray Rice knocking out his fiancee for the first time this week, and the alternative, which is that he didn’t even try all that hard to see it, is equally shameful and pathetic.
Don’t let anyone tell you that this is a result of anything but arrogance. The NFL is the modern day embodiment of “Too Big to Fail” and since Goodell is supposed to be the face of the league, he assumed the same about himself. Well he has failed, and failed spectacularly, and he has sat there with a smug, shit-eating grin on his face the entire time. He is daring the owners to fire him, because he thinks it’s impossible.
The truth is, the owners can find any number of yes men to run this league without constantly face-fucking its image in front of an ever vigilant public. Will they do it? Probably not, because rich old white guys have never given a shit about what anyone who isn’t rich, old, and white thinks. But it’s not impossible. They’re not paying this guy $44 million a year to cum in his own hair in front of the world. They could just as easily pay some other jackass $20 million a year to fuck up 1/3 as bad. Goodell is not untouchable, regardless of what he believes, and if he survives to this years draft I advise everybody in attendance to bring a lot of D batteries and use them at their discretion.
Now to the actual games. I’m not going to overreact to last week, as it was pretty strange in general, and I usually give my initial thoughts three weeks to fuck me over entirely before completely flipping my opinion of a team. Oh except for Kansas City. FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK Kansas City. ON TO THE PICKS! As always, home team is in caps.
Pittsburgh +2.5 vs. BALTIMORE
Well, after all this shit, the Ravens have to play on a short week, and against a division rival. Pittsburgh almost blew a 24 point lead to the Browns and I still like them to win this game outright. This isn’t the type of scandal that galvanizes a team.
This is the type of scandal that leaves everyone wondering “What the fuck even happened here?” and before they know it they’re 1-4 and everyone in their shit-hole city is mad that they missed the Orioles bandwagon while it was still hot.Not at all like that time Ben Roethlisberger maybe definitely raped a woman and then played in the Super Bowl. I would never suggest 9/11 part 2 would be a good thing, but if it happened at this stadium people would still be way more upset about the first one.
Detroit +2.5 vs. CAROLINA
Two games up front with prominent woman-beating assholes involved! Calvin Johnson is a goddamned adult and cannot be stopped. Carolina’s defense looked great against Josh McCown because everyone remembered he was Josh McCown, even him. They have nobody to cover Megatron, so unless they can hit Stafford early and often, they will be torched. Is Cam Newton playing in this one? It doesn’t matter because Ndamukong Suh will just hurt him anyway if he is.
BUFFALO +1 vs. Miami
GUYS MIAMI BEAT THE PATRIOTS SO THEY’RE THE GOOD TEAM IN THE DIVISION NOW! Well… they certainly looked better than the Patriots on Sunday, but the thing is, the Pats have a lot of trouble winning in Miami, even when they’re very good and Miami is starting Jay Fiedler or Chad Pennington. Miami, likewise, has a lot of trouble winning in Buffalo. Oh also, Buffalo has a pass-rush and is going to actually hit Ryan Tannehill, and Ryan Tannehill doesn’t like that and neither should you if you bet on the Dolphins. Is Buffalo good? Probably not, but this feels like a let down game for the Dolphins because everyone is already acting like they clinched the division on Sunday.
WASHINGTON -6 vs. Jacksonville
Oh fucking gross! Who is watching this game? Washington gained a lot of yards on Sunday and scored very few points and for some reason people think this is a good thing. “Hey, we made it almost all the way to the end-zone a lot!” That’s like dry-humping for the first time and figuring you basically lost your virginity so you deserve some high fives.
This team deserves no high fives. Jacksonville on the other hand, allowed 34 straight after taking a 17-0 lead because they are Jacksonville and that’s what they do and that’s what they will always do. Don’t watch this game. Nobody is going to make you.
Dallas +3 vs. TENNESSEE
Okay, so, Tony Romo looked like ass on Sunday as Tony Romo is wont to do on occasion. The defense still sucks, although they managed to go an entire half without allowing a touchdown last week! Mostly because San Francisco wasn’t interested in scoring anymore, but they need to take what they can get. Now, I do not believe in Jake Locker. I am not buying it. Not a chance. They won that game because Andy Reid gift-wrapped it and Alex Smith delivered it free in two days with Amazon Prime. Dallas will still suck, but they have to win SOME games this season, and this will be one of them.
Arizona -3 vs. NY GIANTS
Oh Jesus what the fuck is wrong with Eli Manning? He throws the ball like it’s haunted now. This team looked like a mess before the season started and they didn’t really give any reason to believe the concern was unwarranted. Arizona, on the other hand, looks like they’re on pace to once again win nine or ten of the most boring games you’ll ever watch. I think Bruce Arians keeps Carson Palmer around to give his defense an added degree of difficulty.
“Sorry boys, if they score 20 WE ARE FUCKED SO LET’S KEEP THEM IN THE TEENS!!!” Larry Fitzgerald is four weeks away from taking hostages.
New England -3 vs. MINNESOTA
This game feels like free money, AND THE LINE IS MOVING FURTHER TOWARDS THE VIKINGS. Okay, now, it’s entirely possible New England gives up 400 rushing yards to Adrian Peterson since they could barely hold Knowshon Moreno under 1,000 and loses this game by 24. BUT, it’s hard to believe the Vikings are as good as they played on Sunday or the Patriots are as bad as they were in the second half on Sunday. The truth is more towards the middle, and Tom Brady and Bill Belichick can’t let themselves lose to Matt Cassell. Also I was sweating A LOT when I wrote that paragraph.
New Orleans -6.5 vs. CLEVELAND
Goddamnit why do I like all the road teams this week? This is bad news. New Orleans sucks outside but Cleveland sucks mostly everywhere, especially in Cleveland. One of these teams is going to be 0-2 after this week and we all know it’s going to be the Browns. The question is if they will keep it as close as they did against the Steelers and the answer is HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO.
Atlanta +5 vs. CINCINNATI
Okay, this is getting out of hand, WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME BET SO MANY ROAD TEAMS I HATE YOU LAS VEGAS! No but come on, Andy Dalton should not be giving more than a field goal against this team, and we all know it. THIS LINE IS TOO LARGE GODDAMNIT!! I SWEAR IT IS!!! I am going to lose all of my money this weekend.
St. Louis +6 vs. TAMPA BAY
OH COME ON!!!!!
Seattle -6 vs.SAN DIEGO
THIS ISN’T FUNNY YOU GUYS!!!!
Houston -3 vs. OAKLAND
NOW YOU’RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME!!!
GREEN BAY -8 vs. NY Jets
THANK GOD!!!! The Jets offense struggled, even though their defense looked pretty strong. It won’t look so strong against Aaron Rogers, who will also be looking to avoid going 0-2. I can’t imagine this trip to Green Bay going well for Geno Smith. It will be fun to watch the contrasting coaching styles in this game. Mike McCarthy looks like a guy who took a wrong turn trying to find the hot dog line and ended up on the sideline and is trying to act inconspicuous so he isn’t found out. Rex Ryan on the other hand wants everyone to know he is COACHING and he is UPSET and he DIDN’T LIKE THAT CALL. I’m already excited to watch something else.
DENVER -12.5 vs. Kansas City
Let me speak for everyone who bet on Kansas City or owned Jamaal Charles in a fantasy league this week: FUCK YOU SO SO SO HARD ANDY REID. GET FUCKED WITH A GODDAMNED FENCEPOST YOU INCOMPETENT SHIT-HEAD. YOU HAVE THE BEST FUCKING RUNNING BACK IN FOOTBALL AND YOU PUT THE GAME IN ALEX SMITH’S BABY HANDS?! WITH YOUR BEST WIDE RECEIVER MISSING THE GAME DUE TO SUSPENSION?!!! GAAAHHHHHRRRGGGGGHHHHH FUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YOOOUUUUUUUU.
Denver will smoke this team and then Andy Reid will smoke a turkey by hiding it under his shirt and walking on a treadmill because he is a fat fuck.
Chicago +7 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
Good, great, another road team, wonderful. I think Chicago is destined to lose a lot of close games this season. Just a gut feeling because Jay Cutler is their quarterback and he continues to do great things followed by awful things on an endless cycle of infuriating football. He is like Tony Romo if Tony Romo was also a terrible person.
INDIANAPOLIS -3 vs. Philadelphia
The prospect of watching Chip Kelly’s offense on turf in a dome is enough to get me to watch an entire Monday Night Football game. Indy almost pulled off a comeback in a tough game at Denver, so this team has GRIT. That Andrew Luck is a BALLPLAYER. John Gruden is going to SUCK his DICK. Take the over in this one because there will be a lot of points I’m assuming but I don’t really know shit so fuck it I guess. I do like Indy to cover, but I feel like this could be an actual exciting Monday Night Football game which never really happens anymore so just enjoy it while you can and watch the damn game on mute so you don’t have to listen to Gruden’s slurping sounds.
