Mitch McConnell rallies conservatives at CPAC by vowing “We’ll get that wascally wabbit!”

“Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Obamacare”

In danger of losing his reelection bid to a primary challenge from a Tea Party candidate, Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) tried to win over conservative Republicans at the annual CPAC meeting by walking on stage with an old hunting rifle. The crowd exploded with applause and cheers. McConnell motioned for the crowd to quiet down by putting his finger to his lips. As the crowd quieted down, he leaned into the microphone and said “Be vewy, vewy quiet. We’re hunting Obamacare”.

McConnell was presenting the rifle to retiring Senator Tom Coburn. The rifle was a gift to Coburn from the NRA and was modeled after the hunting rifle used by Dick Chaney. Democrats are hoping Senator Coburn uses it on a hunting trip with the Koch brothers.

President Obama admits he stopped trying months ago

President Obama admitted today that he stopped trying to get anything done a couple of months ago. “I knew when I got re-elected I would be a lame duck after two years but I figured as long as the Obamacare launch went smoothly I would have good momentum to get things done in my second term. Once we screwed the pooch on that, it became clear that nothing would get done this term. We went to Hawaii for the holidays and since we came back I just haven’t been able to focus. My mind is still in Hawaii.”

“So for the rest of this term you can expect to see a lot more videos. Like the one that Joe Biden and I did for Michelle’s exercise initiative or the one I did with Zach Galifianakis. Did you see that one? It’s blowing up on Youtube. Best thing I’ve done since singing like Al Green during my first term.”

When asked if he was worried about being seen as part of the gridlock in Washington, Obama said “Look I’m willing to work with Republicans. I asked  John Boehner to make a video with me but he refused. He doesn’t want to do anything that will make me look funnier and more relatable than him. So that really limits our options. I’m still going to make stump speeches and try to act presidential but I’m not going to do anything too taxing. Ha, see what I did there? Be on the lookout for my next video on Funny Or Die. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a pick-up basketball game in 10 minutes. Aloha!”

Disney World ticket prices highest of all theme parks thanks to new policy to charge customers by the pound

Disney announced price increases for all of it’s theme parks this month. The new prices have caused controversy due to the high cost and the new method of pricing based on the customers weight. The average price is $150 but can range as high as $300 depending on the weight of the customer. Disney spokesperson Brad Willows defended the new policy saying “We had to adjust to the economic realities created by the ever increasing size of the average American. The parks are full every day and yet we noticed our revenue was down. It was because it now takes less people to fill the park because of their size. And it was getting hard for people to get around the park because of all the scooters and strollers. Disney World was becoming a small world after all”

When asked if their pricing discriminates against overweight people, Mr. Willows responded “No, of course not. The pricing is the only fair way to ensure the comfort of all our park guests. We realize it was insensitive of us to have called the new $300 ticket a “Fat Pass” but we’ve changed the name and apologized for that mistake. The $300 tickets are now called “Make Way for Magic” and include a free scooter rental, I mean a free ‘enchanted carriage’ rental. And we love all of our guests equally, whether they are small or very large, I mean ‘extra magical’.”

But is Disney in danger of pricing people out of the park? “We think the park is still a great value for family entertainment. And for people who don’t want to spend that much for a ticket, there is still Downtown Disney which has free admission. And we’ve extended the hours so you can spend all day eating great food and buying ‘extra magical’ sized t-shirts”