Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that sucks and is bad.
This is going to be a short one because I am really terrible at this but also I have limited time to write this week because I decided I would spend all of my nights being the old guy at some punk shows. However, I was NOT the old guy. Everyone was the old guy. What the hell do kids do now? If they’re not seeing loud angry live music on weeknights I can only assume they are doing some weird sex thing that we old folks can’t hear because it’s at too high of a frequency. Inhaling butts? Is that a thing? That’s what they’re doing, and until the local news makes you scared enough to take away their nintendos then they will never stop. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 4-8-2 (I told you, I am very bad at this.) As always, the home team is in caps.
CAROLINA -3 vs. Philadelphia
One thing about these stupid Thursday games is that the NFL makes the teams wear terrible uniforms that make the games feel fake. Like if it happens on Thursday it doesn’t count because they’re just trying on their cool new practice outfits. If they were playing a real game they certainly wouldn’t be out there dressed like assholes, would they?
HOUSTON -10 vs. Cleveland
I could make this about how the Browns passed on drafting Deshaun Watson but the Browns passed on drafting literally half of all QBs starting in the NFL right now and instead will be starting somebody named Kevin Hogan. Not all of those 16 guys they passed on are superstars, but I can confidently say that none of them is named Kevin Hogan. Nobody, in fact, is named Kevin Hogan. It’s a name borne of a focus group for the milquetoast boyfriend on a CW teen drama. And the Browns drafted it anyway. Gonna be a shame when he bails at halftime to surprise Vanessa at prom even though we totally thought he was going to ditch her.
NY JETS +9 vs. New England
If you told me in August the Jets would be playing for first place in the middle of October I probably would have said something like “First place of what? Dickhead City?” Because I am a talented comedian.
ATLANTA -12 vs. Miami
I don’t think it’s fair to fire a man for doing cocaine when his job is to yell at grown men who are much bigger than him. How else are you supposed to find the confidence to chew out a 325lb man on television? Any jobs that require a lot of yelling should strongly encourage use of cocaine. Whether it’s football coach, Marine drill instructor, or dad on vacation, toot up boys. You have my blessing.
NEW ORLEANS -5 vs. Detroit
Matt Stafford appears to have injured himself by getting his head caught in a jar of Hunny and running into a tree. This is bad for Detroit’s playoff hopes as their backup quarterback appears to be… *checks notes* Buy Cigarettes.
Green Bay -3 vs. MINNESOTA
Aaron Rodgers is really good at football and I really don’t have too much else to add because the Vikings are the most boring team in the league that has any chance at making the playoffs. The Vikings are one of those teams that gets beaten in a movie montage when the scrappy underdog team is making its final push for the playoffs. They’re not notable enough to be the villain team that gets beaten in the Big Game, but slightly more notable than the teams whose names just wipe by on a scoreboard.
Chicago +6 vs. BALTIMORE
People like to talk about the crabs in Baltimore and how they’re famous for their crabs and crab cakes, but I’ve had some pretty good crabs in Chicago and nobody seems to be talking about Chicago crabs. Anyway, this has been “Crab Stories” with Rich Karski.
WASHINGTON -10 vs. San Francisco
I hope it rains during this game because it will really add to the emotional impact of watching Kirk Cousins and Kyle Shanahan stare longingly at one another from opposite sidelines, before finally meeting at midfield for the world’s most passionate post-game embrace.
JACKSONVILLE -3 vs. LA Rams
Today a coworker caught me saying “bones bones bones bones/bones bones bones bones” to the tune of that “Charge!” song from hockey games and at first I was a little embarrassed but then I was kind of annoyed because she didn’t offer to talk about bones when really I gave her the perfect opening for it.
Tampa Bay -2 vs. ARIZONA
If I ever have to go to Arizona for any reason I have ranked the following things as most likely to kill me 1. Scorpion 2. Desert exposure 3. Trapped in hot car 4. Good guy with a gun 5. Trapped in hot refrigerator 6. Scorpion with a gun 7. Stampede 8. Errant golf ball 9. Food poisoning 10. Fell on cactus. Please notice that I did not put “snake” on this list because I am not a fool and snakes cannot harm me.
KANSAS CITY -5 vs. Pittsburgh
It looks like Ben might be toast which is good news if you’re Andy Reid and you just had an industrial sized drum of garlic butter delivered to your office.
LA Chargers +3 vs. OAKLAND
Derek Carr is apparently going to play in this game because when the guy you just signed to an enormous contract extension breaks his back you want him to play with that broken back as soon as possible. He broke something in his back called a “transverse process” which makes him kind of sound like a robot but one of those Westworld robots where yeah you can whale on them with a chair but then those dudes in the suits have to take them away for a while and you’re stuck with EJ Manuel.
DENVER -11.5 vs. NY Giants
Hmm… the Giants haven’t won a game since they all went on their little boat party before last year’s playoff loss to Green Bay. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But NFL coaches are paid to notice trends so there’s gotta be at least one whiteboard in some locker room with the word WATERCRAFT circled with a big red X through it.
Indianapolis vs. Tennessee OFF
There is no line for this game because nobody knows who is going to be playing quarterback. Could it be you??? Crazier things have happened. Ask Kevin fucking Hogan.
LAST WEEK: 4-8-2
SEASON TOTAL: 29-44-2
