Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that controls an army of skeletons which sounds really cool until you realize that skeletons are very weak and loud and are constantly being chased away by dogs.
This is our spooooooooky Halloween edition of DICK PICKS and I promise you’ll never see a gambling column with a scarier win/loss record amirite folks? Folks. It’s going to be tough to find a spookier game this year than the Pats/Falcons game from last week which was played in a fog that made it look like the “Thriller” music video except the only zombies were the Falcons offense amirite? Folks? Please give me one of these my children are starving.
Alright there is plenty of scariness to go around this week in the NFL including: the Browns’ continued existence as a franchise, Andy Reid trying to coach with a visible Milky Way boner, and the scariest Thursday Night Football game you could imagine if you are a wide receiver playing for a contract. This year I’m going to try to equate every game to a horror movie and see how long it takes before I get sick of doing that and start to make absurd reaches and unintelligible jumps in logic. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-6-2. As always, home team is in caps.
Miami +3 vs. BALTIMORE
A Serbian Film: If anybody tries to make me watch this I know they are a vile lunatic and I will send the police to their house to seize all of their electronics. I am not a big proponent of censorship but this game does not need to be played. Nobody needs this. You can say what you want about it representing the larger ills of society and the NFL as a whole but you can do that without showing me Jay Cutler and Joe Flacco debase themselves for a paycheck and one final shot at glory. Disgusting.
Minnesota -9 vs. Cleveland (LONDON)
An American Werewolf in London: Because this game takes place in London. Look some of these are going to be layups and you’re going to have to deal with that. What about the werewolf part? Fucking, Deshone Kizer is the werewolf because everyone in the village gets mad when he goes out at night BOOM fuck you. You think I’m going to spend more time thinking about these do-nothing bullshit teams than I have to? Read a fucking book then.
NEW ORLEANS -9 vs. Chicago
Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh: This was fun because the original Candyman was set in Chicago and the sequel was set in New Orleans so I get another easy location-based comparison. I guess this game is like this movie because uhhhh I have not seen it yet, annnnnd there was a more important and widely viewed game between these teams that took place in Chicago years before annnnnnnd I bet Tony Todd will be there! If you are at the game and you see him tell him hello and that I loved him on that one episode of the X-Files.
NY JETS +4.5 vs. Atlanta
Jaws: The Revenge: Atlanta is the shark here and this is their fourth and final chance to pull out a win against the AFC East instead of getting their heads blown off or electrocuted or whatever. Much like that shark though, the Falcons offense is at the disadvantage of being controlled by a drunk guy with a joystick who instead of using the shark’s raw talent and obvious strengths tries to out-think the opposition without realizing it has a brain that is several million years old.
Carolina +2 vs. TAMPA BAY
Blacula vs. Black Dracula: I know this is a fake movie from a Simpsons joke but come on I was not going to pass up this reference especially when Cam Newton walks around dressed like a ’70s Blaxploitation character named Slim Pickens.
PHILADELPHIA -12.5 vs. San Francisco
The Birds: This one is easy because the bird team is going to fuck up the people team until the people drive back to San Francisco merely hoping that they can return to some form of normalcy despite the deep trauma they have incurred.
BUFFALO -2.5 vs. Oakland
The Silence of the Lambs: This is another easy one since the Buffalo Bills have recently decided to kill and skin other NFL teams, culminating in the kidnapping of first place in the division and an urgency to stop their rampage. Unfortunately it’s going to take another evil genius (Bill Belichick) and his ambitious protege (Tom Brady) to finally kill them in a basement. In this analogy the Raiders are probably that one cop who gets his face stolen.
Indianapolis +11 vs. CINCINNATI
Children of the Corn: If you can find a more Children-of-the-Corn-ass-lookin motherfucker than Andy Dalton or two more corn-ass NFL teams I’d be willing to listen. But between Andy Dalton’s weird obsession with religion and his creepy ginger hair I can’t understand for the life of me why he hasn’t been shot on sight. Pretty sure if you listen close enough you’ll hear that his pre-snap cadence is “OUTLANDER! OUTLANDER! WE HAVE YOUR WOMAN! HUT!”
NEW ENGLAND -7 vs. LA Chargers
The Descent: The Chargers are feeling good about themselves and are excited about this trip because it gives them a chance to really bond, break new ground for their group, and put their recent tragedies further in the past. Unfortunately they end up being hunted down and mutilated by a bunch of pale inhuman cave monsters. Also Rob Gronkowski can’t see you if you’re very quiet and make no sudden movements. This one gets bonus points for finding a way to compare Philip Rivers to a kickass lesbian.
SEATTLE -5.5 vs. Houston
The Thing: Nobody really knows what either of these teams are yet. You want to believe in them but you know you can’t trust them. Sure, they might seem like playoff football teams on the surface and you might think nothing is amiss. But Deshaun Watson has been playing at above a normal human level. Russell Wilson, emotionally, is as human as a park bench. Nobody is going to know for sure what they really are until we lock them in a room and set their blood on fire.
WASHINGTON +1.5 vs. Dallas
Freddie vs. Jason: Two franchises that are trying to recapture some relevance after their respective heydays. Still inexplicably popular among people who know very little about the genre but no real fans care anymore and they are both run by ghouls who have to torture teenagers because their dicks don’t work.
DETROIT +3 vs. Pittsburgh
The Last House on the Left: I was going to take the easy way out and go with King Kong vs. Godzilla because when you look at these quarterbacks you will notice that they are both fat men in dumb suits. Instead I’m going with some wishful thinking and hoping that since Ben Roethlisberger is a rapist this game ends with him getting his dick bitten off. It’s gotta happen one of these days.
KANSAS CITY -7 vs. Denver
The Blob: If you thought for a second I wasn’t tailoring this whole column around one Andy Reid fat joke then who are you and why are you reading this?
LAST WEEK: 7-6-2
SEASON TOTAL: 41-58-4
