Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s A SONG I HEARD TODAY: the only online music review column that picks its nose freely and with abandon and dares the government to stop it.
This week I’m going back to the ’80s. Whenever I’m having a rough time, I will throw on some ’80s pop and marvel at how fucking weird things were in the decade that I was brought into this world. Not that they aren’t weird now, but at least now they’re weird in a way that doesn’t cause immediate discomfort.
I know cocaine is the easiest explanation for what happened in that decade, because nothing is a bad idea when you’re on cocaine. Cocaine is why Stephen King wrote two different stories about people being murdered by sentient automobiles. Cocaine is why the Mets won the 1986 World Series. Cocaine is why people kept electing Ronald Reagan even though he had to pin his name and address onto the inside of his jacket in case he wandered off and a good samaritan had to return him home.
With so many coke-fueled travesties to choose from, I had to narrow it down to something that was particularly egregious and baffling or else what the fuck would you even be doing here? Even with that goal in mind, I could have chosen from about 200 songs that were stupid as hell and probably played at your parents’ wedding because it was their special day and if they wanted their guests to Wang Chung their guests were going to fucking Wang Chung.
That’s not the song I chose though. The song I heard today that stuck me as the most sincere and ridiculous exploitation of 1980s America’s lack of self-awareness was none other than Toto- Africa. Follow me on this journey to the Dark Continent (can we say that? Could we ever say that?) as I try to figure out what exactly in the fuck is going on here.
Per usual we start with the artist. Toto is the name of the dog from The Wizard of Oz so you might be thinking “Hey maybe it is a band made up of small dogs or even just one small dog who has become a recording artist” but you would be wrong and that sucks because it would be way better. Instead Toto is just a bunch of weird looking dudes with bad hair who sound like they’re a bunch of creepy professors trying to seduce the lonely girl in their Comp Lit 101 class. They’re the musical equivalent of the guy whose apartment uses beads instead of doors and always hits on your girlfriend right in front of you by telling her stories about his time digging wells for poor people in a country that is very dirty.
Upon first listen you just figure “Okay this is a song about Africa, because I hear him saying Africa” and you can kind of tell it’s a love song but what exactly the singer is in love with is a little unclear. Is he in love with Africa? What is he doing in Africa? Why does the little piano part of the song make me have to pee? Maybe the lyrics will help us to understand the mysterious ways of these worldly travelers.
I hear the drums echoing tonight
Yup, that’s Africa alright. Sometimes you might be in a place where you don’t know where you are, and it’s like “Well how in the hell am I supposed to tell what this goddamned place is?” and then you hear those drum beats echoing and you’re like “Aw fuck, I’m in Africa again.” Happens to me all the time.
He then goes on to talk about how some lady is flying in on a plane to meet him which is a pretty bold move because if you’re going all the way to Africa for a dude you better be sure about him, and I am far from sure about this particular dude, but I don’t know maybe she sucks too.
I stop an old man on the way/Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
“Hi, excuse me, magical black man? Could you perhaps sing me a song or remind me of some words I don’t remember? I’m sure you’re busy, but as you can see I’m an obnoxious white person so this is very important.”
He turned to me as if to say “Hurry boy it’s waiting there for you.”
Translation: He looked at me with a look that seemed to imply “Get the fuck away from me.”
It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you/There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
Are we speaking in generalities here? Because if you’re in Africa I’m pretty sure a hundred men or more built the goddamned pyramids. Or are you just saying a hundred men or more couldn’t drag you away from this woman who you are clearly going to terrify as soon as her plane lands? What about 99 men? Is the 100th guy the one that causes them all to start tripping over each others’ dicks before they can drag you from this poor woman who just wanted to see Africa without some asshole wandering around asking the locals to sing him “one of those African songs that everybody forgets?”
I bless the rains down in Africa
Oh holy shit, I HAD YOU ALL WRONG! You’re not there for some kind of self-serving jerk-off session. You’re there to bless the rains! They must be so fucking grateful that I’m surprised they haven’t named you king already. What kind of bizarre white savior bullshit is this, exactly? “Look, I know Africa is a little messed up at the moment, but if I could just treat them to some of my SACRED RAIN then I’m positive everything will work itself out.” And we all know how that went, as Africa has been a bastion of political stability and earthly pleasures since this motherfucker consecrated the damned water that had been falling from the sky for literally millions of years.
The wild dogs cry out in the night/As they grow restless, looking for some solitary company
What the fuck does that mean? That’s an oxymoron. Are you trying to say there’s some dogs being loud because they want to fuck? Are you just projecting? Let me help you out with this lyric to make it sound a lot less stupid: “Some loud dogs outside want to fuck, just like I do.” There you go. That shit will get you a fucking Grammy.
As sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti
Well now you’re just naming shit in Africa. “I AM IN AFRICA YOU GUYS I LEARNED THE NAMES OF SOME LANDMARKS! Sahara Desert! Victoria Falls! Dikembe Mutombo!”
I seek to cure what’s deep inside
(Not going to make an AIDS joke. Not going to make an AIDS joke. Not going to make an AIDS joke.)
Frightened of this thing that I’ve become
So now I guess he’s a werewolf too?
He spends the rest of the song reminding us that he has blessed the rains in Africa. Because somebody needed to. I mean, this is supposedly where humans came from tens of thousands of years ago and nobody ever thought to bless the fucking rains so they wouldn’t be poison? No wonder white people kept having to go there and make the place better! And did Africa ever even thank Toto for what they did? PROBABLY NOT! Just like they never thanked the English or the French or the Germans or the Belgians for all the great things they did down there. THAT’S WHY YOUR CONTINET HAS SOCCER! White people: pretending they’ve helped Africa just by showing up since the 1800s.
Overall I’m going to give this song a D- because why the fuck would anybody ever let this song get put on the radio? Right, cocaine. We already talked about this. My apologies.
