HOW TO! #8: How to dispose of a body!

by Rich Karski

Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly internet column that improves your life without ever feeding into the illusion that dinosaurs were real.

Typically in this space I try to teach my readers how to do things that will not only better their lives, but society as well. This is not one of those times. Sometimes, you need to be looking out for number one, and you may find yourself in a jam that requires you to operate outside of certain boundaries created by man-made constructs such as “decency” and “morality.” We will be operating on a separate plane, one where self-preservation rules and all other motives are secondary. “Wait, plane like airplane?” No, not like airplane. “So don’t you mean ‘plain’ then? Like the Great Plains?” No it’s still plane, but it’s like a math plane. “I think you’re using the wrong word.” Just shut up for a minute.

Anyway, what if one day you wake up and your world has come crashing down around you? You’re disoriented. You’ve blacked out due to intoxicants or insanity or rage or a mix of all three. As you try to piece together what happened the night before, you notice that you’re not alone. There is someone else in the room with you, and they’re not moving. Your first instinct is to call the police, let them do their jobs, and hope and pray that you didn’t do what you think you did. Well cut that shit out and take a deep breath. John Law isn’t going to need to go sniffing around in your damn business, because today I’m going to teach you:

HOW TO DISPOSE OF A BODY*

*Let me be clear. UnScene Comedy is NOT condoning murder or in any way trying to help you get away with murder. Sometimes, COMPLETEY INNOCENT people wake up next to dead bodies and need to find a way out of the situation. This is for those people.

STEP ONE: Figuring Out How Long Since It Turned From A Person Into A Corpse

This is important for a lot of reasons. A fresh corpse is both a good and a bad thing. Why is it bad? Because it means you probably committed a murder or at the very least this person is dead because of something that you did. But that’s neither here nor there, the important part is you’ve got a dead body, and what the heck are you supposed to do with it? Well, one of the benefits of having a fresh dead body is mining the organs for cash. You’ve got to accept that you’re an outlaw now, and you’re going to need some money to get yourself a new name and place and probably some ice cream because things just got rough and you can use this as an excuse to have a cheat day. Luckily organs are worth a ton of money. Who is going to buy human organs? Adventurous eaters probably but more importantly other outlaws like yourself! This will be a fun team building exercise with your new underground brethren.

Introduce yourself to the crowd! But make up a new name because your old name has corpse all over it and it was probably a shitty name anyway because your parents never really loved you which is kind of what led you down this path where you end up waking up next to dead bodies. Right. On the flip side, if the corpse is super old, then don’t even worry about it! If it’s old enough then it’s probably already a skeleton and you don’t even have to get rid of it. You can just dress it up as a pirate and have a spooky new friend! Now, if the body is very recent or recent enough to still have a majority of its meat, we will need to move on to step two.

STEP TWO: Making The Body Transportable

Okay, it’s not enough to just leave the room and let somebody else find the body. Somebody knows you were in that room, and if the body isn’t you they are going to assume you put it there whether that is true or not. So how do you get the body out of there? First of all, DO NOT roll it up in a rug. Every time anybody sees a rolled up rug they think “Hey I bet there’s a body in there” because that’s what movies and TV have led them to believe because that is generally true. Secondly, DO NOT put sunglasses on the body and pretend it is still alive and having a really great time because then people will see your cool new friend and want to hang out with them because they would also like to wear sunglasses and have a really great time.

What you want to do is cut the corpse into pieces. Now, don’t think of it as dismembering a body. Think of it as turning one large body into many smaller bodies that are easier to fit into trash bags. If you can’t bring yourself to cut up a human body, there is also the option of bringing in a lot of hungry animals to eat it. The downside to this plan is that it will look very suspicious to anyone who sees you coming and going with a lot of animals and maybe they’ll think you’re starting a zoo and then they’ll want to see the zoo and even if you tell them it’s not finished they’ll be really excited for it to open and then probably call the cops when it never does. I guess you could always eat the body yourself, but if that’s a road you’re willing to go down then you really don’t need me to tell you how to do this sort of thing. You’ve already got it all figured out. If cannibalism isn’t your thing just yet, you’re going to want to stick to dismemberment, and a saw is the best way to do this because it’s faster and just holding any type of power tool makes you feel like you’re really getting something done. Once the body is dismembered it’s on to step three.

STEP THREE: Transporting The Body

I have told you this several times before, but it bears repeating: DO NOT TAKE THE BUS! It makes you look poor and gross and if you have a trash bag full of human body parts the other gross poor people might try to steal some thinking it’s low-grade pork. If you’re using trash bags to transport the body maybe just find a nearby dumpster and throw it in there because usually people only find bodies in dumpsters when they’re whole and it’s very rare that a dismembered body thrown in a dumpster is discovered not that I would know something like that I am just making assumptions what are you a cop?

If you’re transporting the body in suitcases, which is also common, DO NOT THROW THESE IN THE TRASH. If somebody sees a suitcase in the trash they open it to make sure there isn’t a body or a bunch of dildos in there. Usually there is. Don’t fall into this trap. If you’re moving the body in suitcases just go to the airport. Everybody has suitcases at the airport and nobody cares what’s in them. Hop on a plane, maybe take the body to a new city, and then leave the suitcases in the lobby of some hotel. Then see some sights! You’re a fugitive now, and you might as well enjoy it.

STEP FOUR: Dumping The Body

Now I already gave you some options in the sections above, but if you don’t feel comfortable dropping the corpse in a dumpster or leaving it at a Ramada, finding a suitable dumping spot is going to be your next priority. Most people choose the woods, and that’s all well and good but the woods are EXACTLY the type of place that people go to look for dead bodies. I would suggest hiding the body in plain sight. Find a house near yours that has fallen into disrepair and already has a bunch of other trash and junk in the yard. Nobody is going to notice a few extra trash bags or suitcases, right? If you don’t have any such homes in your area might I suggest leaving the body near a funeral home? They might think it just fell out of the truck or something and get real embarrassed and not tell anybody about it. Just remember, if you’re feeling really desperate it’s still not too late to just eat it.

STEP FIVE: Not Telling Anybody You Just Got Rid Of A Body

This seems obvious, but you would be surprised at how often bodies are found because someone just HAD TO FUCKING BLAB ABOUT IT! Keep your damn mouth shut. If a few days go by and nobody finds the body, don’t get cute like you’re home free and have a few drinks and start running your mouth. Chances are one of the people you’re talking to is going to be related to a cop or a corpse sniffing dog and they’re going to be like “Hey you should check out this dirty yard I think there’s a body there” and then all your work is for naught! Once you dump the body, just pretend that nothing ever happened and move on with your life never to speak of it again. Unless you ended up eating it, in which case your hunger for human flesh can never be satiated and you’re on your own pal because this isn’t a goddamned recipe column.

So there you have it!

Five easy steps on disposing of a body in the event that you should find one in your vicinity and need to ditch it fast. Now go out and make some questionable decisions but DON’T MURDER ANYBODY because I will find out and I will be real disappointed in you.