Malaysian officials announce that all evidence conclusively proves Amelia Earhart is dead. Notify relatives via Instagram.

Malaysian officials pretty sure the plane is somewhere in this general region.

Yesterday, government officials in Malaysia concluded that all available evidence indicates that Amelia Earhart’s plane ran out of fuel and crashed in the South Pacific. Malaysian officials have been heavily criticized for taking so long to look for the plane which disappeared in 1937. “In hindsight we realize we should have started the search 77 years earlier but we had incomplete information on where the plane went down and the ocean is, like, really, really big and hard to find stuff in. So we wanted a better idea of where it might be before we put a lot of resources into looking for it”.

In addition to being slow to start the investigation, Malaysia has been criticized for not being forthcoming with information on the flight, not exploring all leads and spreading misinformation, most notable of which was insisting for weeks that Ms. Earhart was actually a man. The confusion led to the rise of several conspiracy theories with the most popular being that navigator Fred Noonan had taken over the plane and changed it’s course for Tahiti so he could be with women that were less bossy and didn’t threaten his masculinity.

The families of Earhart and Noonan reacted to the Malaysian announcement with a mixture of anger, sadness and disbelief “Seriously!?! She would have been 117. Of course she’s dead, you morons!”. Finally, after a few hours, calmer heads prevailed and the families realized they could sue the crap out of the Malaysian government and airlines.

Responding to the families claims that if they had acted sooner they may have been able to rescue survivors, the government responded with the following statement: “We understand the grief that many families are experiencing and we are sorry for their loss. This has been a difficult investigation and we hope that the families will now have closure even though we still haven’t found the plane or proved anything. However, none of that changes the fact that this was just a tragic accident and you really shouldn’t sue us even though we’re incompetent and have a ton of money. It’s time we all moved on”

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