Chapter 8: “Talk Up in the Lock”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing
by our good friend in LA, Tim!
“So what’s it gonna be pretty-cakes? Do I get my tale? Or do I get your tail?” Little Dipper laid it out pretty clear for me.
“Story. Definitely story. Um just hold on a minute. Let me think. Have you ever seen Star Wars?” I really, really hoped he would say no.
“Hell yeah, I’ve seen Star Wars. Don’t you even think for a second that you can get away with plagiarizing someone else’s work neither. I only like original stories.”
He smiled like a teacher giving out spankings on a Friday afternoon.
“Okay then. I’ve uh got one for you. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this tale, ‘The Frog and the Scarecrow.’
Once upon a time there was a scarecrow named Danny. He guards stalks and stalks of corn in a modest Nebraskan two acre. Danny was all alone out in the field but that’s okay because that’s how he liked it. He always felt nervous around other people. He wasn’t very good at his job because he was so sad he stared at the ground. Since none of the crows could see his face they were never scared off and went about filling their bellies full of sweet nature baby golden corn.
‘Hello. What’s your name big guy?’ Hoopa asked.
‘Oh. Me? Are you talking to me?’ Danny replied.
‘No I’m talking to the other 6 foot scarecrow I’m looking up at. Of course I’m talking to you silly. My name’s Hoopa. Hoopa the frog and I’m practicing.’
‘P-p-practicing? For what?’
‘Why for hopping of course!’
“One day I’m going to hop all the way to the mooooon. My parents said that’s not possible so they sent me out here to die.”
‘But I’ll show them. That’s why I’m practicing!’
‘Does p-p-practicing really work?’
‘Why of course it works! I could barely speak the king’s English but learned how all thanks to a little bit of practicing don’t ya know?’
‘I wish, I wish I could practice how to be a better scarecrow. Then maybe Sheila would come back to me.’ As Danny said this big straw tears started falling from his eyes and on to Hoopa.
‘Hey! Watch it will ya? Well if practice is all you need I’d love to help ya. But who the hell’s this Sheila bitch anyway?’
‘She was the other scarecrow that used to be next to me. We were in love. When I looked at her I knew everything was for a reason. Then one night some drunk guys wandered in from a rave a couple of fields down. They started talking to Sheila and one thing led to another and they all started, st-st-started having sex with each other. Right in front of me! And I had to watch because I can’t move because I’m a scarecrow.’
‘When they were done she decided to leave with the frat guys because I’m too boring and don’t have penis. Ever since then I’ve quietly been praying for the sweet release of death.’
‘Hmn well it sounds to me like you were at your best when you had someone to love. So you just need to find a new love in your life.’
‘And where would I find someone to love a loser like me?’
Hoopa jumped up on to Danny’s shoulder. She grabbed his head and stared into his big button eyes. ‘Maybe you’ve already found someone.’ Hoopa closed her eyes and leaned in and pressed her amphibian lips to Danny’s mouth.
‘What are you- but I, I, I-’ Danny stuttered.
‘Shut up. Don’t be stupid.’ Hoopa continued to move her tongue in and out of Danny’s unsewn mouth.
‘It’s just that we just met.’
‘Don’t be stupid. Don’t be stupid.’ Hoopa’s hot frog breath breathed new life into Danny.
‘I think. I think.’
‘God you’re so stupid. I love you.’
Hoopa and Danny continued to make love well into the night. Once it was done Danny fell over and laid with face to the stars. Hoopa laid next to him with her head on his heart. ‘What are you thinking about?’ She asked him.
‘To be honest? You. This is the happiest I’ve been in well… forever.’
‘I’m happy too.’ Hoopa raised her head. ‘You make me feel like I can hop higher than I’ve ever hopped before.’ She turned her head all the way towards the moon. ‘All the way up there.’
‘What are you doing my love?’ Danny asked. Hoopa bent her legs and lifted her head to that big ol’ rock in the sky. ‘No! Please you can’t. Don’t leave me! I don’t know how I can live without you.’
‘I’m sorry but if I don’t then I’ll never know.’ Hoopa’s heart was so full of love that she jumped all the way to the moon. ‘I did it! I did it my lover! Look at me-‘Just as she was talking her head swelled up and her eyes bulged from their sockets. Her head exploded into a million tiny pieces of frog.
For as well know, frogs cannot exist in a vacuum in space.
‘Hoopa! Noooo!’ Danny screamed. As he screamed crows began to descend upon him.
‘Hey check out this jerk.’ One crow said.
‘Let’s give him the pecks!’ Said the other.
The crows pecked and pulled the scarecrow apart. He died shortly thereafter and his soul floated up to heaven where it was reunited with Hoopa. They lived there happily for the next forty years. The End.”
Little Dipper got up from the edge of his bed where he had been sitting and slowly walked towards me. “That. Was… THE GREATEST STORY I EVER HEARD! Man it had everything. Love, redemption, a frog. Good stuff. You know what, you’re alright Frank.”
“I got to admit. I’m pretty glad you’re not going to force yourself upon me.”
“Nah nah don’t worry about that. Tell me though…
“How do you feel about getting out of here?”