Rejected From Cracked: Home Workouts

In this series, I give you articles that did not make it past Cracked.com‘s editorial review. Cracked is a great website and I respect and understand their editorial decisions, but I’ve spend over 40 hours revising some these, so screw it, I’m writing them. I’m, like…90% sure this isn’t against any of Cracked’s policies, but just in case, let’s not tell them about this (I’d still very much like to be published by them). With that in mind let’s dive into the world of fitness with…

Four Workout Devices You Need to Own

Hawaii Chair

What is it?

Do you want tight, fit abs, but are unwilling to move your own body? Then you need the Hawaii chair!

That’s right, you can just sit down and let the chair tone your abs for you. And it’s perfect for an office environment! …well, you’ll probably have little trouble typing. And clicking on things. I guess writing anything by hand is also out. But any other office work is a breeze, like…um…phone calls! I bet those are still pretty easy to do! …unless you have to dial a number, that would probably be a pain in the ass too…also, your coworkers will ridicule you, but that goes without saying.

What are the health benefits?

Aside from getting those sexy abs you always wanted, the Hawaii Chair also claims that it will give you a “whole body workout,” as well as, “stimulate your body awareness and verve.” It will even massage you’re internal organs! Wait, is that a good thing? It sounds like the last thing you hear before being dragged into a van.

The pros over at consumer search say: “The chair…doesn’t seem to offer any real fitness benefits in terms of toning ab muscles. At best, reviewers speculate, the Hawaii Chair may improve blood circulation for those with mobility problems.” Well, at least you can scare the hell out of Rob Lowe with it.

Where can I get one?

You can get your own Hawaii chair on Amazon for…not in stock. Shit. Well, last time I checked there were two of them left on eBay, so hurry up.

Horseback Riding Machines

What is it?

Horseback riding is a great workout, but who has the time or money for it? Well now you can ride a horse in your own living room for just a fraction of the cost!

That’s right, you can have your own motorized saddle, in the comfort of your own home! It’s a full body workout…I think. Either that or it’s a some kind of at home mechanical bull, I’m not sure. But here’s one from Korea that definitely is a workout machine!

That’s definitely a workout machine, and it’s DEFINITELY for sex.

What are the health benefits?

Aren’t they obvious? This gives you the experience of riding a horse, which is a great workout!…I think. I mean, it definitely is for the horse.

Look, I’ll level with you, I couldn’t find any research on the health benefits of these things, so just enjoy this dog riding one.

Where can I get one?

You can get these machines for 32,780 of a currency I’m not familiar with. I think it’s a good deal.

Sauna Pants

What is it?

What’s the best way to get in shape without exercising? Sauna Pants!

Just look at how simple it is! Just put on your sauna pants, plug them in, and let them heat up! That’s right, just plug the pants into an 1800 watt outlet…and let it get nice and hot…all over your crotch. You know what? For liability purposes, I’m not even going to sarcastically recommend that you use this product.

Let’s look at a similar product: the Thermo Shaper!

It’s the same principal as the Sauna Pants, but without the risks associated with wrapping your genitals in an electric blanket! You just put your Thermo Shaper on and you’ll start to sweat! It’s like they’re some kind of magic sweatpants! …wait.

What are the Health Benefits?

Well, both products work like a Sauna, and those are healthy. I mean, they’re at gyms, so they have to be. In fact Saunas will help you lose water weight! Which you’ll get right back once you drink water. Which you’ll need to do relatively quickly to avoid dehydration.

But it can help you lose calories! They people at Health Line say, “The higher temperatures cause your heart rate to increase in a way similar to exercise.” They go on to say that, “this increase only causes a slightly higher calorie burn than sitting at rest…It is not an effective tool for real weight loss.” That’s…not nothing!

Where Can I Get One?

You can get electric Sauna Pants for as little as $35, and the class action lawsuit you’ll someday be a part of will more than cover that!

Jawzrsize

What is it?

What’s the bro-est way possible to tone your neck and jaw? Jawzrsize! (…wait, shouldn’t that be Jawzrcise?…well, I guess Jawsercise, really) Check out this swoll bro using Jawzrsize while he’s ripping it at the gym!

That guy with the sick adult-pacifier is Brandon Harris, former UCF fighter and CEO of Jawzrsize. He invented the Jawzrsize after he nearly died in a motorcycle accident:

“I landed myself in a coma for thirteen days with my jaw being wired shut for four months. Not mention I took a traumatic brain injury to the highest level. That is when Jawzrsize truly came into fruition.

That…yeah, that sounds about right. Jawzrsize!

What are the Health Benefits?

Want a medical expert’s opinion of the benefits of Jawzrsize? Too bad, they don’t have one! But here’s a chiropractor who looks like he’s being held hostage and forced to read cue cards!

Image
“Please help, he has my daughter.”

He says that they’re, “using some of the basic tenants neurology and physiology to totally upload and upregulate the system,” and that it works on a, “primal basis, on an endocrine level, to change the muscle system of the whole facial structure…”

That’s right, Jawzrsize works on an “endocrine level,” which must mean it’s uploading and upregulating your endocrine system…which regultes the hormones in your bloodstream…which, wait is that a good thing? And how can a human chew-toy change how your body regulates its hormone levels? Ah whatever, shred the Jawzrsize!

Also, Jawzrsize will cure your diabetes! Well, OK, that’s not really true, but just check out what this diabetic bro has to say about it!

That’s right, Jawzrsize totally uploaded and upregulated this dude’s testosterone levels! What else could do that? …Well, apparently sleeping more, staying active, and reducing stress levels…but also Jawzrsizing your system!

Where Can I Get One?

The retail price is $45. They’re also on Indiegogo and Kickstarter, so you can just give them some money if you want, either way. Anyway, here’s about 40 seconds of people Jawzrsizing. JAWSRSIZE TO THE EXTREME!!!!!



PJ Westin

PJ is an editor for UnSceneComedy.com