I Don’t Do Lakes by Ben Keefe

(via mainevacationhouses.com)

(via mainevacationhouses.com)

I don’t do lakes. Partly because there are no homeless people on lakes. This is important because society says that wherever the homeless are, that’s the place to be. A homeless man in front of a bank reminds you of the importance of a stable economy, while another outside the grocery store makes you think “boy I’m sure glad the mental health system didn’t fail ME, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to enjoy this sweet bag of Doritos!” No homeless? No fun.

 

But you won’t find the homeless on a pontoon boat, sipping beer while wearing American flag shorts. If there’s nothing for the homeless at your favorite lake, then there’s nothing there for me either. I’m with them, take your elitist lakes and shove them up your dick hole!

 

Another reason I don’t do lakes is because I will never own a lake house. This is good because at present time, I cannot bear the responsibility. I’m not a big responsibility guy. If I were in charge of a business I would run it into the ground while destroying all surrounding businesses, like a dragon going through a break-up.

 

However I wouldn’t say I’m too irresponsible to own lakeside property. This is because being irresponsible means driving cars into things and leaving people pregnant. I would do neither of those to a lake house.

 

I’m glad I won’t own a lake house because I want to be a decent person. Without fail every time I’ve heard someone say “My family owns a lake house” they immediately betray me. I’ve had more family members taken from me by sword point than is probably normal.

 

All of this is a shame because lakes are seen as an ideal way to spend a summer’s day, or if you work in the food service industry, a summer’s free 15 minutes. Lakes evoke feelings of relaxation and freedom, things that are as American as baseball and thinking people are trying to kill you.

 

But this is misleading because nothing is perfectly ideal, and a lake can’t make up that difference. There is no PERFECT summer. Sometimes you’ll get an okay fall or a not-bad spring, but summer’s slogan is officially “Not Perfect.”

 

Lakes are becoming the next pick-up truck. It’s a signifier that rounds out the life of a supremely boring human. Think no one will notice your lack of personality? Grab a pick-up truck! Worried that life is passing you by? Fart in a lake! It’s a shame because lakes are beautiful, tranquil places that are becoming scenes in the music video of people’s lives. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy lakes, just don’t make a point to enjoy them.

 

Hey, I never said I was fun.

 

 



Ben Keefe

Ben is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com