Weirdly Specific Horoscopes. 1/6 – 1/13 – by Phoebe Angle.

sagittarius48Sagittarius:  The polar bear swim was last week, and it’s not the type of thing people usually try and make up.  You just look like a real weirdo swimming in the New England ocean in January by yourself.

 

swim10

 

capricorn48Capricorn:   The first New Year’s celebration dates back 4,000 years. Julius Caesar, the emperor of Rome, was the first to declare Jan. 1.  You are going to have to work a lot harder if you want it changed to July 27th.  That guy had a lot of clout.

 

aquarius48Aquarius:  Forty-five percent of Americans make New Year’s resolutions. The top resolutions are: to lose weight, get organized, to spend less and save more, to stay fit and healthy, and to quit smoking.  You resolved to eat more bugs when people aren’t looking.   You are doing important work, and people will appreciate you one day for it, especially since you resolved yourself too.

 

 

 

 

via abovetopsecret.com

via abovetopsecret.com

pisces48Pisces:  Many traditions say “be sure to eat leafy greens on New Year’s”. This tradition says that the more leafy greens a person eats, the more prosperity he or she will experience. While this is a good incentive for staying healthy, you eat rocks, because you just WANT TO ROCK!

 

aries48Aries:  For your New Years party you decided to get 365 bottles of champagne to celebrate! However, nobody showed up… I guess you have 365 days of drinking ahead of you!

 

taurus48Taurus:  Have you ever wondered why the symbols for New Years are a baby and an old man?  Well stop it, don’t ask questions if you can’t handle the answer!

via socialstudiesforkids.com

via socialstudiesforkids.com

gemini48Gemini:  They say if you don’t kiss who you are dating on New Years it’s splitsville for you!  Thats why this year, you kissed a pizza.

 

via tumblr.com

via tumblr.com

 

 

cancer48Cancer:  According to statistics from the National Insurance Crime Bureau, vehicles are stolen on New Year’s Day more than any other holiday. Don’t think your old car is safe, either. In 2011, the 1994 Honda Accord was the most stolen car.  So, please remember, your life can get worse.

 

leo48Leo:  It took nearly a week, but that New Years hangover is finally starting to wear off.  Wait, you have just been drinking since new years!   Man, your hangover hasn’t even begun!   Remember, your resolution to stop drinking over new years doesn’t have to start until the party stops.

 

virgo48Virgo:  So, you brought a stranger home this New Years?  You woke up, and they were making pancakes and bloody mimosas.  This was weird at first, but now a couple days later, they haven’t left, and having a live in chef isn’t all that bad!

via mlive.com

via mlive.com

libra48Libra:  It turns out that those weren’t fireworks you heard on New Years, they were BOTH cars backfiring AND gunshots.   You should move.

scorpio48Scorpio:  If you are not going to take your Christmas tree out, you at least need to undecorate it.   You are embarrassing it in front of the other house plants.



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