Welcome to the final season preview edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that used to fuck guys like you in prison but then got attached and got hurt and vowed to never make that mistake again.
This is the last season preview which means WE ARE A FEW DAYS AWAY FROM REAL ACTUAL FOOTBALL GAMES BEING PLAYED! Also, that other thing that everyone has been talking about for the past eight months was (kind of) settled. Tom Brady won. Roger Goodell is an incompetent piece of anthropomorphic smegma. The world turns.
Now that this bullshit is (kind of) behind us, we can get back to talking about the other teams in the league who were not subject to a very dumb timesucking money-grubbing farcical investigation. Namely this week, the teams in the AFC and NFC West. I may be alone in this opinion, but I think the AFC West might be the most competitive division in the league this year. Why? Because the three other teams did a lot of catching up to the Broncos, and the Broncos did some falling behind the pack. “Rich isn’t this true about the Patriots and the AFC East too?” LALALALA SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I’M GETTING TO THAT IN A MINUTE!!!
The NFC West had a HILARIOUS off-season, where the 49ers lost pretty much every linebacker they had to nothing that even resembled injury or free agency. Dudes just up and left, or decided that they couldn’t bear to work in their new shithole stadium under any semblance of sobriety. Everyone on the Seahawks got mad that they weren’t making more money so they pouted until they got more money except for Kam Chancellor who still hasn’t gotten any money and is still pouting. The Rams finally moved on from Sam Bradford and now are rolling with *checks notes* Nick Foles? *Googles “Nick Foles quarterback”* Yep, he’s a quarterback alright! The Cardinals just kind of stayed the same except they probably brought in a voodoo priest to bless Carson Palmer’s knee. THAT’S ABOUT IT. ON TO THE PICKS
Denver Broncos OVER 10 wins
This feels like another push for me, because I don’t have as much faith in this Broncos team as last year’s version. It may APPEAR the same, but an interesting wrinkle is the Broncos schedule, in which they play three 2014 playoff teams and the Chargers (twice) in their last six games. By then Peyton Manning may be accepting the Colts’ vacant coaching job after Jim Irsay steals Chuck Pagano’s cancer meds and runs him out of town on a rail (OF COKE! Guys I’m getting pretty good at this.) I couldn’t bring myself to take the under because I am a coward, but if Peyton from the 2nd half of 2014 shows up by Thanksgiving, this team is in a lot of trouble.
They also hired Gary Kubiak, who is pretty much the running game’s version of Mike Martz. This team will need to run the ball a lot but good luck taking it out of Peyton’s hands because he’s going to hang onto that thing like Papa John desperately gripping a sex swing during one of their ritual S&M flagellation sessions. The main difference is Papa John can still feel all of his fingers when they’re rummaging around Peyton’s rectum looking for his car keys.
Kansas City Chiefs UNDER 8.5 wins
Could Andy Reid and Alex Smith produce yet another mediocre season that has them on the cusp of the playoffs in December before they bow out unspectacularly? YOU BET YOUR 34EE MEN’S BRASSIERE THEY CAN! Jeremy Maclin is here now, which means instead of handing the ball off to Jamaal Charles like they should on every goddamned play we’re going to see BUBBLE SCREENS GALORE! Just get him into space, they said. He’ll make something happen, they said. When he’s not doing a Dexter McCluster and getting tackled seven yards behind the line of scrimmage on a reverse, he’s going to be ten yards behind a safety downfield when Alex Smith decides to float the ball directly into that safety’s arms. Jeremy Maclin might end up leading this team in tackles.
I usually make it a point to never trust a quarterback whose hands are too small to even cup his coach’s titties, but with Andy Reid that’s a tall order for anyone whose name isn’t Dikembe Mutombo. I’ve been sitting on some “Andy Reid is so fat…” jokes all offseason, and I was thinking about metering them out through the course of the season. But what kind of writer would I be if I couldn’t come up with more ways of calling Andy Reid fat??? So here you go:
-Andy Reid is so fat that he can’t watch Paul Blart without taking about “the struggle.”
-Andy Reid is so fat that he uses cream cheese as toothpaste.
-Andy Reid is so fat that his skin tags can stop a bullet.
-Andy Reid is so fat that he has to wash his dick with a Christmas tree funnel.
-Andy Reid is so fat that he asks everyone else at the table if they’re going to eat their fortune cookie after they open it.
Alright that’s enough. We have six other teams to get to. Wait, six? HOLY SHIT.
San Diego Chargers OVER 8 wins
This is really annoying. There are 17 teams with O/Us between 8 and 9.5 because PARITY IS IMPORTANT YOU GUYS!!!! So we can expect probably ½ the league to go 8-8 which is fucking stupid because what good are those asshole teams?
San Diego could easily be one of those teams, but you know what? I THINK THEY COULD WIN 9 OR 10 GAMES!!! I’m being very non-committal, but Vegas isn’t giving me much to work with here. I think the Chargers will make the playoffs this year mostly because I expect the NFC North to be a lot worse and I also think they could steal one or BOTH games from the Broncos late in the season. Why? BECA– USE I’VE SUFFERED BRAIN DAMAGE! No, but honestly I think Melvin Gordon is the second coming of Christ (FULL DISCLOSURE I WENT TO WISCONSIN GO BADGERS!) but I think Philip Rivers, so concerned with his team’s move to the den of Satan that is Los Angeles, will try his best to get a Super Bowl to San Diego so maybe the team stays among all of the shithead Marines who will go out on weekends and have all kinds of unprotected extra-marital sex but WILL NOT ABIDE AN ABORTION FOR THE CHILD THEY INTEND TO LEAVE ALONE AS THEY MOVE BACK TO FORT WORTH. SUCH WOULD BE AN AFFRONT TO JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF WHO WAS NOT ABORTED BECA– USE FRANKLY JOSEPH WAS A SPINELESS PUSSY.
Oakland Raiders OVER 5.5 wins
Yessir. You heard me right. This year’s surprise/breakthrough/not-as-bad-as-everyone-thought team is going to be the Oakland Raiders. This team honestly is NOT THAT BAD YOU GUYS!!! Derek/David/Whichever Carr is probably as good as Andy Dalton, and now he has Amari Cooper (who would be my pick for Offensive Rookie of the Year if Melvin Gordon wasn’t going to rush for 3,000 yards and make Philip Rivers’ wife pregnant AGAIN by association.) This is a team that is two years of organizational fuck-ups away from a legitimate conversation about how they at one point looked like they were on the right track. PRETTY GOOD FOR THE RAIDERS! I don’t want to say too much because if Mark Davis gets too excited he starts spitting oatmeal all over the place and making a real mess.
Seattle Seahawks OVER 11 wins
Man, if it wasn’t enough that the Seahawks have gone to two straight Super Bowls, their division decided to make it even easier on them this year. Granted, this is a team that lucked into a trip to the Super Bowl and then THREW IT AWAY ON THE ONE YARD LINE HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD PETE CARROLL WHAT THE FUCK?!!! I actually nailed this in my DICK PICKS Super Bowl Edition *pats self on back so hard that my sternum pushes through my chest and I can lay down and put chips in there* Despite the flummoxed coach putting his own dick in his mouth during the Super Bowl, this team can’t be too mad because he probably learned it by watching Mike McCarthy two weeks before. I’m sure Pete Carroll watches that tape every day like the Zapruder Film and swears that the football was actually thrown by a rogue agent in the back of the end zone. MALCOM BUTLER MOVES BACK AND TO THE LEFT CAN YOU ALL BE SO BLIND????
I really don’t see this team getting to another Super Bowl, but I imagine they will cut through this division like butter because ehhhh… you’ll see.
Arizona Cardinals UNDER 8.5 wins
I’m not supposed to ever bet against Bruce Arians and his cool-uncle-who-buys-you-fireworks-as-long-as-you-don’t-tell-your-dad-he-smokes-pot-when-he’s-supposed-to-be-watching-you vibe, but Jesus Christ this is a team who is expected to be a contender in the NFC because CARSON PALMER’S KNEE MIGHT BE OKAY???? Fuck me, but that team is a stiff breeze away from 5-11. Todd Bowles is gone too, and he probably had more to do with that defense not giving up more than 20 points a game than Arians did by having his quarterbacks chuck up prayers to Michael Floyd. This team has been flying in the face of God for years now and it’s time for them to realize that Kurt Warner is gone so God isn’t paying attention anymore because he’s busy trying to figure out why Kurt Warner won’t admit that he’s gay as hell and loves to kiss dudes on the mouth and on the butt.
San Francisco 49ers UNDER 7.5 wins
I don’t even know how to describe this team’s offseason. They have negative linebackers now after their best linebacker retired, his replacement retired at 26, Aldon Smith got drunk again and crashed his car and was cut, and Navarro Bowman still doesn’t have any knee ligaments. They also hired fucking Charlie Brown as their coach. Tomsula is a woeful schlub who is constantly followed around by a rain cloud that just pisses on all of his hopes and dreams. He inherited Harbaugh’s table scraps, which were then smashed with a hammer into a fine paste and dumped into the garbage. This poor guy will be living in his car again by May and he will be perfectly okay with that.
But hey, their stadium is hosting the Super Bowl! It was an awesome idea to put the Super Bowl in a brand new stadium that is an hour away from civilization and can’t even grow grass. Seriously this field makes FedEx Field look like the fucking National Mall. I think it’s a huge conspiracy to get either Russell Wilson or Aaron Rodgers to destroy both of their ACLs in the Super Bowl and even the playing field in the NFC. They will have to forfeit a game by week 8 when Colin Kaepernick falls into a ditch covered in leaves somewhere around mid-field.
St. Louis Rams UNDER 8 wins
Hahahahaha get the fuck out of here with Nick Foles.
AND THAT DOES IT! NEXT WEEK WE GET TO BET ON ACTUAL GAMESSSSSS!!!!! HOOORRRAYYYYYYYY!!!!