Ahhh lists. Things. In order. As old as humanity. For instance, did you know that the first cave pantings were actually a list of How You Know You’re a 40,000s BC Kid? Technically it was a drawing of a pig or something, but I can read between the pig-like features: lists are sweet. They take a basic, easy to understand premise, and heave ideas at it, repeatedly and endlessly so we can flicker our chemically numb attention spans long enough to remember an episode of Doug and feel slightly less alone on this wretched, spinning orb.
Anyway, here’s a list!
THOM CROWLEY MAKES LISTS
THOM CROWLEY’S _ MOST LIKELY CA– USES OF DEATH
Keeping with the upbeat vibe of this whole thing, I thought I’d let everyone know what I’ve scientifically determined are the top 12 ways I’m most likely going to die.
“But Thom with an h,” you’re thinking, “What about me, Dear Reader?” Well shut up, Dear Reader. Everything doesn’t have to be about you. Also it’s pretty messed up to make fun of my name when yours isn’t even an actual name because I made you up. Very disappointed in you/us.
Anyway, these are the ways I’m most likely to shuffle off this mortal coil:
1. Drowning under a waterfall while reenacting my favorite shampoo commercial.
2. Asphyxiation after interstellar travel gives me delusions of god-like invincibility and I take my helmet off in the vacuum of space
3. Embarrassment after farting at work.
4. Driving my car into the ocean because it *feels like* a submarine.
5. Execution for treason after accidentally leaving state secrets in a Wendy’s bathroom.
6. Tragically crushed between two runaway pianos.
7. Injuries sustained after attempting to run down a flight of stairs on all fours while chasing a cat.
8. First against one wall or another after whatever social uprising comes along, probably.
9. Old age if “old age” was 32.
10. Accidentally ingesting a fork while eating spaghetti/eating in general.
11. Hypothermia while trying to put an ice cube tray into the freezer without spilling any water.
12. Hang gliding incident (murdered by a hang glider after sleeping with his wife).
13. Aneurysm while attempting verb conjugation in Spanish.
14. Trampled to death after trying to pick up a Starburst in the middle of a riot.
15. The bloodthirsty revenge of the child I spared twenty years prior during on a killing spree in the middle of my inevitable Organized Crime phase.
16. Polio (due for a comeback)
17. I’m already dead SIXTH SENSE STYLE WHATTT?
Okay that’s it. Just a bunch of words on a screen that didn’t need to exist. See you next week!