Weirdly Specific Horoscope: October 3

aries48

  Aries (march 21-april 19):

 

Today you’ll be offered free Red Sox tickets.  Don’t take them, the season’s over.  You will get mad and start a fight with someone you don’t want to start a fight with.

 

taurus48  Taurus (april 20-may 20):

Mens London Collection

Someone thinks you are a tourist.  Because your mom bought you that ugly sweater that makes you look like a European… or a hipster…  I don’t know someone not from here.  Don’t get upset, mistakes happen all the time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

gemini48  Gemini (may 21-june 20):

 

Your day will be filled with generosity.  Someone mistakes you for a homeless person and offers to buy you a meal.  You should think about cleaning yourself up a bit.

 

cancer48  Cancer (june 21-july 22):

 

Rollerblading in Boston Common may be tricky today.  Make sure you bring a change of socks.

 

leo48  Leo (july 23-august 22):

 

Today is the day that you make the switch from Dunkin Donuts to Starbucks.  Your the king of the jungle, time to start drinking the nectar of royalty.

 

virgo48  Virgo (august 23-september 22):

 

Your friend invites you to be part of their threesome.  You’re hesitant but with good reason because you don’t know who the third is.  Roll the dice, you’re only 37 once.

weird3some

 

 

 

 

 

 

libra48  Libra (september 23-october 22):

 

Life’s not fair.  Your Uber driver doesn’t want to hear about how your poached eggs at brunch were slightly over done.  Be calm, carry on, someone will listen.

 

scorpio48  Scorpio (october 23-november 21):

 

You going to get busted for drugs.  You shouldn’t have trusted that Uber driver.  Don’t worry BJ’s is still hiring ex-convicts.

 

sagittarius48  Sagittarius (november 22-december 21):

 

You’re going to see a cute dog.  Don’t pet it!

 

Watch out, he's vicious!

Watch out, he’s vicious!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

capricorn48  Capricorn (december 22-january 19):

 

You may face some frustration today as your mother refuses to send any more money saying “I knew ‘fashion design’ wasn’t a good fit for you.  Get a real job.”

 

aquarius48  Aquarius (january 20-february 18):

 

You’re so very whimsical and free and lovely and proud.  Just remember not to have sex with everyone you meet.  Not everyone is as free as you.

 

pisces48  Pisces (february 19-march 20):

 

Today is the day you kill that bum that dresses up like Ronald McDonald.   Good luck.

streetbum



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