Weirdly Specific Horoscope: October 17

aries48  Aries (March 21 – April 19):  You find what you think is a quarter in the bathroom.  It turns out to be a Baht, Thai money.  You decide that rather than leaving it there, you are going to take it to Thailand to spend it.  Enjoy your new life in Southern Asia!

via blessthisstuff.com

via blessthisstuff.com

taurus48  Taurus (April 20 – May 20):  As a food delivery person you find it annoying when people think the delivery charge goes to you.  Thus allowing your customers to think that it is ok to tip one dollar on a delivery.  You think everyone should know the minimum you tip on delivery is $3.  Minimum!!   Well don’t worry because today someone will tip you $20 on a deliver that takes five minutes.  Everything in life is of course perfect because you made twenty bucks.

via travelblogger.com

via travelblogger.com

 

gemini48  Gemini (May 21 – June 20):  OMG your BFF “Cakes” (Her name is actually Kate, but her sign is cancer so you call her cakes as in crab cakes)  wants you to totally join a spin class with her.  Don’t do it, the instructor will have uncontrollable flatulence and those rooms get too hot to deal with it.

via cracked.com

via cracked.com

 

cancer48  Cancer (June 21 – July 22):  This week is a good week to play around with androgyny.  You will make some friends, you’ll lose some friends, but you will look great doing it.

via deviantart.com

via deviantart.com

 

leo48  Leo (July 23 – August 22):  Everyone told you that you could not swim in the Charles River, especially in October.  Well, they were wrong!  You can!  You will get very sick, but you’ll show them.

via thecharles.org

via thecharles.org

 

virgo48  Virgo (August 23 – September 22):  You thought the Ronald McDonald nightmare was over but now friends of yours are taking selfies with the maniac clown.  Run.  Run from the horror of the evil clown.

JPD

 

libra48  Libra (September 23 – October 22):  Happy Birthday!!!

 

via cakecentral.com

via cakecentral.com

 

scorpio48  Scorpio (October 23 – November 21):  Today on the train you will actually use the QR reader app on your phone to scan the poster that says you can make money for testing an experimental new drug.  The website instead has been taken over by a sports betting Guru who is always right.  Take his advice and become a millionaire.

via ntdaily.com

via ntdaily.com

 

sagittarius48  Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21):  The barista at Starbucks puts a frowny face on your Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non Fat, Caramel Macchiato.  🙁  Try to resist the urge to turn that frown upside down or you will burn yourself as the hot coffee goes right through your Kent Wang Polo shirt.

via imgarcade.com

via imgarcade.com

 

capricorn48  Capricorn (December 22 – January 19):  Don’t trust people from Connecticut.  Science has not figured out what the problem here is yet, but this week is not the time to go experimenting.  Jupiter is near the stars that say that.

via abyss.uoregon.edu

via abyss.uoregon.edu

 

aquarius48  Aquarius (January 20 – February 18):  It’s time for a career change.

 

via ftvoto.blogspot.com

via ftvoto.blogspot.com

 

pisces48  Pisces (February 19 – March 20):  You decide to keep with current fashion trends and shave the sides of your head – like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Christa Mack… Well, you look stupid.

 

via creativefan.com

via creativefan.com

 

 

 

 

 



Phoebe Angle

Phoebe is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com