Aries (March 21 – April 19): You find what you think is a quarter in the bathroom. It turns out to be a Baht, Thai money. You decide that rather than leaving it there, you are going to take it to Thailand to spend it. Enjoy your new life in Southern Asia!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): As a food delivery person you find it annoying when people think the delivery charge goes to you. Thus allowing your customers to think that it is ok to tip one dollar on a delivery. You think everyone should know the minimum you tip on delivery is $3. Minimum!! Well don’t worry because today someone will tip you $20 on a deliver that takes five minutes. Everything in life is of course perfect because you made twenty bucks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): OMG your BFF “Cakes” (Her name is actually Kate, but her sign is cancer so you call her cakes as in crab cakes) wants you to totally join a spin class with her. Don’t do it, the instructor will have uncontrollable flatulence and those rooms get too hot to deal with it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This week is a good week to play around with androgyny. You will make some friends, you’ll lose some friends, but you will look great doing it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): Everyone told you that you could not swim in the Charles River, especially in October. Well, they were wrong! You can! You will get very sick, but you’ll show them.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You thought the Ronald McDonald nightmare was over but now friends of yours are taking selfies with the maniac clown. Run. Run from the horror of the evil clown.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Today on the train you will actually use the QR reader app on your phone to scan the poster that says you can make money for testing an experimental new drug. The website instead has been taken over by a sports betting Guru who is always right. Take his advice and become a millionaire.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): The barista at Starbucks puts a frowny face on your Triple, Venti, Half Sweet, Non Fat, Caramel Macchiato. 🙁 Try to resist the urge to turn that frown upside down or you will burn yourself as the hot coffee goes right through your Kent Wang Polo shirt.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Don’t trust people from Connecticut. Science has not figured out what the problem here is yet, but this week is not the time to go experimenting. Jupiter is near the stars that say that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You decide to keep with current fashion trends and shave the sides of your head – like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, and Christa Mack… Well, you look stupid.