A Layman’s Guide to Selena Gomez – Caitlin Stokes

Who is Selena Gomez?

It honestly boggles the mind that there are people in this world who don’t know anything about Selena Gomez, but then again there are people who still watch The Walking Dead, so who really knows anymore. Selena Gomez, a.k.a the Wizard of Waverly Place, is the patron saint of sloppy hook-ups with your ex. She is the friend you trash talk at brunch under the guise of “just being a little worried about her lately.” She is the only actress in history to have worked with both Barney the Dinosaur AND Woody Allen. I did not fact check this but I feel very confident about it. 

So, where’d she come from?

I know it’s not entirely obvious if a child star is more likely to get their start on Barney or in a Woody Allen movie, so I’ll just tell you: it was Barney. I don’t know what her role was but I can assume it was something like “Child at a developmentally appropriate age.” She famously shared the screen with Demi Lovato, and they both went on to become Disney Channel stars. 

Wait, so you’re saying she’s not Demi Lovato?

No, they are obviously different people, as evidenced by the fact that they have different names. They were best friends for a while, but that ended sort of dramatically when Taylor Swift lured Selena into her underground lair, slipped a yeerk into her ear and made her part of the Squad. Or possibly they just grew apart.

Okay, then what?

Selena was in a show called Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney Channel, in which the only real magic was a family somehow being able to afford an apartment in Greenwich Village. She also starred in “Princess Protection Program,” which I think is getting a Criterion release later this year. 

Of course, music was her true contractually obligated passion. She released a few songs under the name “Selena Gomez and the Scene,” which I personally think is a very good band name. Then she dropped “The Scene,” probably also shattering the hopes and dreams of a few backing musicians. 

Selena then went on to release a series of bops with the sole purpose of justifying her relationship with Justin Bieber to the world. My personal favorite is the classic “The Heart Wants What It Wants,” which I like to sing softly to myself in the dairy section of the grocery store. 

In 2012 she tried to un-Disney-fy herself and starred in Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers. Honestly just don’t even get me started on that. She’s now also in that aforementioned Woody Allen movie. Honestly, just don’t even get me started on that either.

Wait, what was the deal with that kidney thing?

Selena Gomez suffers from Lupus, which believe it or not is a real disease and not from Harry Potter. Lupus is an autoimmune disorder that can affect pretty much every part of your body. Unfortunately for Gomez one of the things it can affect is your mental health, which led to a cancelled tour in 2016 and a retreat from the public eye. Eventually she ended up needing a kidney transplant, and got one from her friend and fellow actress, Francia Rasia, who you may know from that show on ABC Family where Shailene Woodley was a teen mom. I don’t know why I’m assuming someone who needs a primer on Selena Gomez would know who Shailene Woodley is. Anyway, now that she has another human’s organ inside of her she’s back at it, looking fly as heck and singing songs that make me want to text every guy I used to date. 

Jesus, just tell us who she dated

First of all I’d like to say that Selena is a gorgeous, talented woman with more money than I’ll ever have and is not at all defined by her romantic relationships. But also, she’s low-key kind of a messy bitch, so buckle up. First she dated a Jonas Brother, although honestly who hasn’t. Then she dated Justin Bieber a whole bunch of times: first from 2010 to 2012, then in 2013, then in 2014, then in 2015, and then again in 2018. I tried to find a concise summary but honestly no one knows, so just think about that friend you have who keeps taking him back and you’ll get the gist of it. The whole thing is sort of mind-bending, as I truly cannot conceive of Justin Bieber giving good enough dick to inspire that kind of loyalty.

She also dated Zedd (the DJ, not the Tarantino character) for a hot second. In 2017 she had a pretty high-profile relationship with the Weeknd, aka that guy with the hair, but they broke up the same year. I like to think she finally started to realize her own self-worth. In September of 2018 Justin Bieber got married to someone who is NOT Selena Gomez, and the world breathed a collective sigh of relief for her. 

In conclusion:

It is now 2019 and Selena Gomez is a very famous and very successful 27-year old woman. In case you’re wondering, I will say once more that she is a 27-year old woman, and it’s 100% okay to be attracted to her. She releases constant bangers (can we talk about that Talking Heads sample on Bad Liar?), produces TV shows, acts, has an ass-load of money, wears fire outfits, and most importantly is not married to Justin Bieber. 

Caitlin Stokes is a writer based out of Boston Massachusetts.

Come join us Friday at 7pm for our Pop Stars Comedy Debate Show.
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Shawn is the owner and creator of UnSceneComedy.com

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