Faux News: Trigger Warning: Ben Carson – by Nicholas O’Connor

Ben Carson is soft spoken, easygoing, and just the kind of guy you’d trust to separate conjoined twins. Don’t let Carson’s demeanor confuse you, though: he is not soft on baby-killing monsters that happened to not give consent to the person that impregnated them.

Pro-life activists are applauding Carson’s statements on abortion made in a recent interview with Chuck Todd on NBC’s Meet the Press, in which he clearly voiced that in cases of an unwanted pregnancy resulting from rape or incest, “I would not be in favor of killing a baby because the baby came about in that way. And all you have to do is go and look up the many stories of people who have led very useful lives who were the result of rape or incest.” Unsurprisingly, this led to a surge in popularity among a group not traditionally well-recognized by politicians: potential proud fathers who have trouble finding a consensual partner.

Many in the conservative base have issues with today’s politically correct culture, but that sentiment is especially true for the men that refuse to stop at “No” when it comes to their attempts at fatherhood. We interviewed one such fatherhood enthusiast, who did not want his real identity disclosed. For the purpose of this article we decided to give him the pseudonym Clark.

“Between the media’s political correctness and government overreach, it’s harder and harder to truly express myself. I’ve faced a lot of adversity in my quest to have a child. Lots of folks, especially on the left, seem to think that it’s okay to kill a baby when that baby is conceived with untraditional tactics. That’s why Ben Carson will be getting my vote. He’s brave enough to step up and advocate for the potentially very useful life that I am tirelessly trying to bring about.”

Carson’s talking points align well with the adversity that Clark sees himself facing. In the same Meet the Press interview, Carson compared women who have abortions to slave owners. He also suggested that women who were pregnant as a result of rape view their babies as “enemies,” a line of thinking he called “dangerous.”

“It’s about time that someone represented hard-working Americans who, like me, will do anything to be a dad,” said Clark. “I don’t just like his politics, I like him. He reminds me of myself: cold, calculating, and focused. You have to persevere just like Carson did. When he was 14, he wasn’t good with a knife. Look at him now: he’s a god-damn surgeon. I can relate to that, and almost anyone with similar goals to my own can also.”


Nicholas O’Connor is a Boston based writer and comedian.

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