Ahhh lists. Things. In order. As old as humanity. For instance, did you know that the first cave pantings were actually a list of How You Know You’re a 40,000s BC Kid? Technically it was a drawing of a pig or something, but I can read between the pig-like features: lists are sweet. They take a basic, easy to understand premise, and heave ideas at it, repeatedly and endlessly so we can flicker our chemically numb attention spans long enough to remember an episode of Doug and feel slightly less alone on this wretched, spinning orb.
Anyway, here’s a list!
THOM CROWLEY MAKES LISTS
THOM CROWLEY’S _ MOST LIKELY CA– USES OF DEATH
Keeping with the upbeat vibe of this whole thing, I thought I’d let everyone know what I’ve scientifically determined are the top 12 ways I’m most likely going to die.
“But Thom with an h,” you’re thinking, “What about me, Dear Reader?” Well shut up, Dear Reader. Everything doesn’t have to be about you. Also it’s pretty messed up to make fun of my name when yours isn’t even an actual name because I made you up. Very disappointed in you/us.
Anyway, these are the ways I’m most likely to shuffle off this mortal coil:
1. Drowning under a waterfall while reenacting my favorite shampoo commercial.
via n.inmagine.com
2. Asphyxiation after interstellar travel gives me delusions of god-like invincibility and I take my helmet off in the vacuum of space
via memepix.com
3. Embarrassment after farting at work.
via patheos.com
4. Driving my car into the ocean because it *feels like* a submarine.
via thenewsguard.com
5. Execution for treason after accidentally leaving state secrets in a Wendy’s bathroom.
via matthewwinshipss9.weebly.com
6. Tragically crushed between two runaway pianos.
via nytimes.com
7. Injuries sustained after attempting to run down a flight of stairs on all fours while chasing a cat.
via myfunnycatpics.blogspot.com
8. First against one wall or another after whatever social uprising comes along, probably.
via happyplace.someecards.com
9. Old age if “old age” was 32.
25 year old Thom Crowley
10. Accidentally ingesting a fork while eating spaghetti/eating in general.
via rsvlts.com
11. Hypothermia while trying to put an ice cube tray into the freezer without spilling any water.
via goodhousekeeping.com
12. Hang gliding incident (murdered by a hang glider after sleeping with his wife).
via healthland.com
13. Aneurysm while attempting verb conjugation in Spanish.
via dr-virella.com
14. Trampled to death after trying to pick up a Starburst in the middle of a riot.
via tuaw.com
15. The bloodthirsty revenge of the child I spared twenty years prior during on a killing spree in the middle of my inevitable Organized Crime phase.
via moviepilot.com
16. Polio (due for a comeback)
via taringa.net
17. I’m already dead SIXTH SENSE STYLE WHATTT?
Who would have guessed?
Okay that’s it. Just a bunch of words on a screen that didn’t need to exist. See you next week!
