Hell City
Chapter 4, Part 2: “Caught Red-Handed”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!
I peered down at the clandestine meeting barely even noticing the curiosity boner protruding from my upper taint. The crimes bosses were to far for any reasonable human to be able to hear them. Luckily, I always swipe my grandfather’s hearing aid before I go out.
Good luck hearing Lawrence Welk you old piece of garbage.
I turned the hearing all the way up and listened to what these greasy walking shit-humpers had to say.
“Thank everyone for coming. It has been too long since the 12-Fingered Hand of Crime has met.” Said Butt Plug
Bennetti. I counted the fingers on my hand. There’s five of them. Stupid shitdips can’t even count. I laughed at the my joke then remembered that I’m listening in on a pretty huge top secret crime meeting that could easily get me killed so I decided to pay more attention to that. Totally going to laugh at it later though.
“As our fist unclenches we prepare to add another finger to our most mighty hand. Brother Ginocolli, are you ready to accept the power, the responsibility, the privilege that comes with being fingered by our most glorious and mighty hand?” Oh my god, I can’t believe what he’s saying. Must. Stifle. Laughter. Think of something sad, think of something sad.
Ginocolli bent down and kissed Bennetti’s outstretched hand.
“I accept and am honored to be fingered by your glorious fingers. All of your fingers, I gladly welcome into myself.”
Okay, don’t laugh. Think of when your girlfriend broke up with you. Remember? Beverly just left you. You thought she was the one. Thought you’d be perfect together but it just didn’t work out. And the crazy thing was that you actually tried. You didn’t fuck up or anything. You actually actively listened to her, surprised her with gifts, gave her space when she needed it. Ah man, I think this worked too well. I’m not laughing but I’m incredibly bummed now.
“Begin the ceremony! Let the great fingering commence!” Ham-Hands shouted as he threw his massive ham hocks into the air. All of the crime members began to take off their clothes.
They were all wearing the tightiest of whiteys.
Each pair of underwear marked with a corresponding red finger. From their discarded clothes each member retrieved a felt and feathered animal mask. Not full masks but you know the kind that just covers your eyes and that’s used exclusively for weird sex stuff. There was a lion, crocodile, penguin, a goat, lot of pigmy marmosets.
Hmn, who’d have thought those would be the most popular ones… Oh god Beverly why did you leave me! I need to listen to my break up play list before I get a case of the sobbies. I threw out my dumb dumb grandpa’s hearing aid and thrust in my headphones. The Shins, JJAMZ, Broken Social Scene, Taylor Swift, all there to calm my broken heart.
Meanwhile down below, Ginocolli bends down at the end of the Lubra-Fuge and positions himself like a catcher waiting for an easy strike. Lil’ Capone has climbed to the top of the terror slide. On the peak of the Lubra-Fuge Lil’ Capone has attached a horrifying dildadic device to his being. He presses a small blue button on the side and electric juice flows like whine as the device comes to life and erects itself as blue veiny wires hum in cockmic rhythm. “Are you ready to receive us?” LC screams.
“Just uh, just make it quick ya know?” Ginocolli replied.
“Never.” LC muttered. Right before he slid down the Lubra-Fuge to sweet glory he spotted me out of the corner of his eye.
“Hey guys, there’s some fag up here!”
“Well that’s kind of offensive.” I said as I took my headphones off. “And also I didn’t see any weird crime boss sex initiation thing.” Just as I laid it out smooth the walkway I was perched on fell out from under me like a bed made out of potato chip bags. “I regret everythinggggggg!” I screamed as I tumbled to my death. I hit the ground with a thud. Oh, actually the drop was only like ten or eleven feet. I guess I remembered it being a lot bigger when I was a kid. “Well… you’re all under citizens arrest.” Smooth like silk.
“You fools! We must finish the ceremony before it’s too late!” LC shouted at the top of the Lubra-Fuge.
“I fear it’s too late.” Murders McGee said with the kind of disappointment you only get from unwrapping a carrot for Christmas.
“Yous ruineds everysthings!” Highway Sally screamed as she glared at me with the kind of hate you only get from unwrapping a carrot for Christmas.
“Hey! I didn’t know you had a lisp!” I was genuinely surprised.
“We’re doomed.” Butt Plug said as he stared down at the ground.
“Geez guys, it’s not the end of the world.” Just as I said that the ground started to shake.
If there was an Olympics for being wrong this asshole would have just won the gold medal.
