Hell City
Chapter 4, Part 1: “Crappy Rapids”
Hell City is our weekly comic book type superhero detective noir thing by our good friend in LA, Tim!
There were several cars in the parking lot of Happy Rapids, the old abandoned water park. Mr. Ginocolli must be meeting people. Ginocolli got out with a big silver briefcase and started walking into the park. Am I stupid enough to follow him? I lifted up my pants to see I was wearing two different socks. I guess I am. I got to be smart about being stupid though. Much like an angry ex-lover, I was going to have to keep my distance.
Walking through the old park brought back a lot of memories. The last
time I had been here was the summer of ‘72. It was unbearably hot.
Air conditioning hadn’t been invented yet so there was only two ways
to beat the heat. Happy Rapids or death.
I said it when I was 8 and I’ll say it again,
I ain’t too found of dying.
So Happy Rapids it was. Now up until this point of my life my mother had been dressing me up as a little girl, calling me Francine, and had enrolled me in an all-girls Karate school. As a treat our sensei, Mr. Yomototo, took us to Happy Rapids or as us cool kids took to calling it, The ‘Pids.
On our way over there all the girls kept talking about was The Pids best know ride, the Lubra-Fuge. It was the world’s tallest indoor water slide that led right into a whirlpool. 60 Minutes even did a special on it after Judy Garland died on it from fright. The other girls knew I was afraid of the ride and kept taunting me how they were going to force me to go on it. The number one rule in Karate though is to not show fear. I looked up at Mr. Yomototo and saw him slowly nod his head at me. I took it as a sign that he wanted me to face my fear. Years later I learned he suffered from cranial noddigous, a slow steady continual nodding of ones own head.
At the park the girls and I got in line for the Lubra-Fuge. Two girls in front of me went down first. It was my turn next. I stared down the slippery slope and was frozen in fear, finding only comfort in the pee escaping my below.
All I could think about was Judy Garland screaming in fear, her ruby slippers flying off her as she flew down the slide to her untimely death.
The girls behind me sensed my hesitation and used the moment to strike. They ripped off the lower half of my bathing suit and pushed me down. I flew down the Lubra-Fuge like a pig trying to escape a deli. I survived the slide but what came next still haunts me to this day.
I emerged from the whirlpool half naked. My shame exposed to the world. One of the girls saw my pre-pubescent cockle and shouted to the world,
“Oh my god! Francine’s got a hot dog between her legs.”
I quickly tried to cover my manhood but it was too late. “Hey I think Francine needs some buns for her hot dog!” Another bitch shouted. Before I knew it I was being pelted with hot dog buns as the girls chanted, “Francine’s got a hot dog. Francine’s got a hot dog.” Shortly after my mother was murdered by an angry feminist who ended up getting the chair. Her final words were, “girl clothes should be for girls.” Man I need to get out of this park.
Ginocolli made his way to the Lubra-Fuge. If he was going to have a secret meeting this would be the place, it’s big, secretive, and more cut-off from the world than a teenager without a cell phone. I decided to make my through the employees only side entrance to avoid being seen. Once inside I made my way up a small stairwell and on to a ledge that overlooked the slide and whirlpool below. My brain wanted to call my eyeballs liars because it couldn’t believe what they saw. Down at the bottom of the now drained whirlpool was every major crime boss in the tri-state area. There was Lil’ Capone, Highway Sally, Murders McGee, Butt Plug Bennetti, Ham-Hands, Mr. Blister the sadistic Titty Twister, and whole bunch of boring normal crime people that haven’t got nicknames.
Just like that dufus Christopher Columbus, I may have stumbled on to something much bigger than what I set out to find.
