HOW TO! #11: How to Please Your Man!
by Rich Karski
Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that is more valuable to you than all of the Nazi gold buried in Argentina.
Last week was a very special week here in Boston, as the Women In Comedy Festival kicked off and brought some of the most talented female performers in the country to our city at ¾ the rate of their male counterparts. If there are two things I love only slightly less than dogs, whiskey, cigarettes, gambling, and Robocop (the original Robocop, not the very fucked up new Robocop) they are women and comedy. That’s why I decided to dedicate this week’s HOW TO! to the ladies.
I had to put my mind inside a lady’s mind to try and figure out what are the main things that they want to know, and I figured this wouldn’t be too difficult since I already look like a lady and cry all the time for no reason. But oh how wrong I was… It turns out that there is already a very popular magazine that is made entirely FOR WOMEN! Like not just for people who like boats who happen to be women, or people who own guns that happen to be women, but FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE WOMEN JUST BECA– USE! It’s called Cosmopolitan, and it’s written in a way to suggest “Hey we know you are already a woman but we can make sure you keep being a woman BUT BETTER AND MORE EFFICIENTLY!” It’s like they have their fingers directly on the pulse of the modern American woman, and it really opened my eyes.
While I thought an article like “HOW TO COUNTER INEQUALITY IN THE WORKPLACE” or “HOW TO WALK ALONE AT NIGHT WITHOUT BEING TERRIFIED” would have been appropriate, it turns out that today’s woman doesn’t give a shit about any of that. As Cosmopolitan has taught me, today’s woman is far more interested in the three D’s: getting the D, keeping the D, and making your friends jealous of the D (the D stands for dick but I am trying to limit my use of that word this week since this one is for the ladies and I would rather not offend their more delicate sensibilities regarding curse words.) Since this is the information that the ladies are clamoring for, I present you with UnScene Comedy’s guide on
HOW TO PLEASE YOUR MAN
STEP ONE: Finding A Man To Please
This should be very easy, since there are men literally everywhere. Mailmen, firemen, garbage men, and even businessmen are men, and what does every man crave? Pleasure. Your job is to choose one of these men to provide it to. Now, I understand that some of you are attracted to other women and that’s fine. However, women don’t need pleasure the way that a man does, and it is important that even if you are in a loving and fulfilling relationship with a wonderful and caring woman, you still take the time to find a man to please. You will need to go into this knowing that a lot of men are terrible, terrible people. But could this be because they are going unpleased? If a man, even a gross awful one with terrible ideas and facial hair, were to get everything he desired in this world, would that not in turn make him less awful and his ideas less terrible? Maybe not, but it is your responsibility to try.
This is not about making meaningful connections or developing close personal bonds. This is about making sure the men are always happy so they will return your dedication to their pleasure in the form of luxury automobiles. It is also about the safety of mankind, because what happens when men go without pleasure? WAR and PESTILENCE! And remember, just because someone is despicable does not mean they are undeserving of pleasure. The only people undeserving of pleasure are women who are not conventionally attractive.
STEP TWO: Making Your Man Feel Appreciated
After you choose the man who will become your pleasure recipient, you will need to keep him interested in you and only you. If Cosmopolitan has taught me anything else, it is that women will cut each other’s throats for the ability to bring pleasure the more desirable men, and you do NOT want your man to run off with some SKANK he met at Trader Joe’s. That’s why you need to make your man feel like he is the most important of all men. This should not be too difficult, because all men really want is to feel superior to every other man they encounter or read about or see on the television. You want to make him feel strong and powerful, like a giant bear, so you will have to pretend you are tiny and frail, like some kind of a small stupid bird.
You can do this by letting him perform daily tasks that would normally come easy to you but you just “don’t have the strength for” when he is around, such as opening jars, carrying groceries, or punching guys who are looking at you. After he does these things it is important to make a big show of how strong he was and give him one of those adoring “my hero!” looks that says “If you had not been here to kill that lady bug I would currently be dead in the trash with my bones hanging out and I need my bones to be on the inside and they are only there because you are so powerful.” It is also important to make him feel like he is always right.
Say things like “It was good of you to berate that waiter because I also thought his pronunciation of the menu items was slightly off.” Or “I liked it when you yelled ‘SHOOT THE PUCK!’ at the hockey game because you cannot score a goal without shooting the puck therefore you are a brilliant strategist. Have you ever thought about coaching?” Then when he decides maybe he should be coaching a hockey team, support him, because you need to make him believe that all of his ideas are good. If you don’t feed his ego and let him know you think everything he does and says is wonderful, he will feel like he can do better and will leave you for someone who probably doesn’t even speak English all that well.
STEP THREE: Cooking For Your Man
They say the easiest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, and while this is only true if you are also physically attractive, it raises a very good point. You need your man to see you as something that is valuable to him, like an Xbox or a really nice suit. An excellent way to do this is to provide him with delicious meals and desserts at any time he desires. You may say “But Rich, I have spent years getting an education, furthering my career, and pursuing outside interests that never involved a kitchen. I never had time to learn to cook.” Well welcome to Lonelytown, lonely. Population: you (and several thousand others in your same situation so it’s not really THAT lonely, it’s more just a way to denigrate women for being single when they should be LOCKING DOWN THAT GOOD D.)
Don’t worry though, there is a very valuable resource for you to mine so you can learn your man’s likes and dislikes in the kitchen quickly, before he leaves you for Betty Crocker But With Huge Cans. That resource? His mother. It could be as simple as cutting up hot dogs for his Kraft Mac & Cheese or putting a maple syrup smiley face on his Eggo waffles or making sure there is an equal distribution of cheese on his English muffin pizzas so he doesn’t throw the toaster oven at the cat again. Whatever his mom says are his favorite meals, those are the ones you need to learn because that is the woman you will eventually turn into and don’t worry about her bald spots because soon your stress will cause you to start pulling your own hair out too.
STEP FOUR: Doing All The Sex Things
This is what makes up the crux of Cosmopolitan’s pleasure advice, but also the area where I feel they are the furthest away from the minds of men. They will tell you to do things like “juggle the penis” and “draw cartoons on the penis” and “call the penis by your third grade teacher’s name” when this is not really what makes a man sexually excited. The best way to please your man sexually is to just do all of the stuff from pornography.
Now a lot of this stuff may make you uncomfortable, but this was never about you. You will be perfectly fine when you’re riding around in your luxury automobile with your children and iPhone, all of which he will have given you. You basically want to behave like one of those high priced Japanese sex dolls, only one that has been programmed to say things like “Wow even though I have never seen another penis because I do not want you getting jealous of time I may have spent with different penises, yours is the largest penis there is and the only penis that is good and not gross.”
It is also important that you spend a lot of time doing yoga, not because it is healthy, but because it will allow you to bend into all of the weird sex positions that secretly feel the same as the normal, easier sex positions but are more exotic and uncomfortable for you and therefore better for the penis. How is your man supposed to orgasm if your legs won’t go behind your head? I mean, he’s still going to, but he won’t be happy about it. You’re also going to have to learn how to do butt stuff, because this is important because two sex holes are not enough when there is another hole RIGHT THERE SO WHY CAN’T WE JUST — USE THAT ONE TOO?! Women can be so selfish with their bodies. Don’t be like that. It’s VERY unpleasurable.
STEP FIVE: Smile
You’re so much prettier when you smile! Why would you allow your feelings and emotions to dictate your facial expressions when it’s going to be bumming out literally every man you encounter? What’s more important to you: displaying genuine human emotion in the way your body reacts naturally, or being pretty? Yeah that’s what I thought.
So there you have it.
Five easy ways to please your man. Now go out there and take your dude to Pleasuretown, population: him (You don’t get to go. You’re basically the bus driver who says “Next stop PLEASURETOWN!” and then drops him off and goes to smoke cigarettes and be mad at yourself.)