My Weekend On Demand: Part V

Hey guys guess what I did this weekend? Nope that was last week moron. This week I did something that’s been a long time coming. I cleaned my room! Now a lot of people are probably going to scoff at this. You cleaned your room this weekend? Why weren’t you out getting drunk and cruising for pooze like I was? Well first of all I’m not entirely sure what pooze is but I don’t think it’s something I want. Second of all anyone who’s seen my room probably wouldn’t say it was dirty or disorganized but it was, IT WAS TO ME! See the thing is, I’m kind of a neat freak but I’m also lazy. So what usually ends up happening is things aren’t super organized like I want them to. For example, I’d have clothes thrown on the floor, but they’d be thrown on the floor in nice even piles going from pants, to shirts, to miscellaneous.

Most of the mess came from the numerous comic books I have lying around which gave way to one of my favorite activities, bagging and boarding, which then gave way to my next favorite activity, putting things in alphabetical order. I love putting things in alphabetical order. There’s nothing better than the feeling you get when you put things in alphabetical order then take a few steps back and just look at it. Look at those things there, all in an alphabetical row going from the earliest letter in the alphabet to the latest. I used the Times New Roman alphabet because it’s the only one I know. I tell you what though you want to find anything in my room you better believe you’re going to need to know the alphabet. A copy of Y: The Last Man? Boom check under Y. Want to watch Cabin boy, check under C. Want to try on a red shirt? That’s a weird request from a friend but it’s right there under R.

There’s just something so American about a nice clean organized room. I feel like I should be cooling a pie off my windowsill or talking to the Roosevelt twins on a Ouija board. It’s what this country (yes I say country) was founded on. In 1492 Columbus and the other patriots were sick of being ordered around by the British. Now they knew that they did like order but wanted a more alphabetical and easy to use order not the haphazard willy nilly way the brits do things. I’m sorry, I really like history and tend to get off on it. I wish I had more to tell you guys but I can’t, I just love the way this room looks. To paraphrase the tiny lady at the end of Poltergeist, “this room… is clean.”

Of course there is a problem though, you know it’s only temporary. I’m going to buy more stuff, run out of room, put that stuff on top of other stuff, or someone will borrow something creating a gap on the shelf or it’ll get dusty or ahhhh I don’t even want to think about it. I’m just trying to live in the moment here. I can’t worry about the future. That’s 2012 Tim’s problems. So excuse me if I don’t recycle or break for old ladies in the street but I’m a man with a mission and right now I feel like I’ve got all the time in the world.

So in conclusion, please remember to spay and neuter your pets and when you do let me know… I uh, I like to watch that kind of thing.



Tim Vargulish

Tim is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com