HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing
– by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that is going through the motions until football season starts and I can get back to talking about gambling.
Good cannot exist without evil. Such is the dichotomy of the world in which we live. Since you are reading this, I will assume you fall under the “good” category because evil people are against self-improvement and that’s what this article is all about.
It is our job, as the good people, to stand against all that is evil and bring them to justice. I am telling you this now because there is a very good chance that an evil person will eventually kill somebody you love. This is an inescapable fact of life that has been the backbone of many a Harrison Ford or Mel Gibson movie (“THOSE BASTARDS KILLED MY LORD AND SAVIOR GODDAMNIT!!!”)
Now, even if you manage to be one of the roughly 8% of people whose family members are never murdered by a psychopath, you still have an obligation as a polite member of society to make sure that these murderers are off the streets and safely locked away in one of our country’s luxurious for-profit prisons.
But how can you, as one man or woman or- *looks up “alternate genders,” scrolls through half of them, slowly backs away*…How can you, as one person put a stop to society’s evils? Well, I’ve been reading true crime books almost non-stop since I was a teenager, so I think I can confidently say that I have all of the expert training to teach you:
HOW TO SOLVE A MURDER
STEP ONE: Investigating A Crime Scene
Okay, so you’ve stumbled across a murder. Maybe you walked into a sorority house or drug den or fundamentalist compound looking to use the bathroom and WHOOPS EVERYONE IS DEAD. What you’ve got on your hands is a genuine crime scene.
The first thing that you need to know about a crime scene is that it’s full of clues. Clues are like small puzzle pieces that when you fit them altogether they make a picture of the murderer’s face, or maybe the Eiffel Tower, if the clues are actual pieces of a real puzzle (THE PUZZLE MURDERER! NOBODY STEAL MY SCREENPLAY IDEA!)
“But Rich, how do I know which things are a clue?” Well, not being a fucking idiot helps with this, because if you’re an idiot good luck tracking down a criminal mastermind in a dangerous game of cat and mouse. If you’re NOT an idiot, the clues should be fairly obvious. Look for weapons, items stained with blood, ligature, overturned furniture or missing items, and most importantly: semen.
You see, most murderers are men, and most of these men kill people because their dicks are bad and don’t work and murder makes them feel like they have a dick again. When their bad dick gets hard with murder it tends to contaminate the crime scene with their gross semen. Investigating a murder is probably the only time you will find yourself picking things up and saying “Boy I sure hope there’s a lot of semen on this.” Unless, I don’t know, maybe you’re real adventurous with your pizza toppings. We don’t judge here.
Once you have collected the evidence, it should give you a rough idea of what kind of monster you are dealing with.
STEP TWO: Identifying Your Suspects
After the clues have been examined, you should know what type of person the killer is, and from there you can develop a list of suspects. Now, if the victim was your spouse or somebody close to you, you are statistically the most likely suspect. If the victim was a loved one, first make sure that you’re not the murderer. If you ARE the murderer, you should probably stop trying to solve the murder and run away.
If you have determined that you are NOT in fact, the murderer, then it’s time to make a list of the people who you think could be. It is important to note that murderers look just like all of us, and by that I mean they are white men in their 30s-50s. Did the victim know any white men in their 30s-50s? Good, write them down, because even if they didn’t kill this particular victim they have definitely killed somebody else, and then you get double crime solving points.
Also, look up any registered sex offenders or birthday clowns known to live in the area. Add them to your list because they are sick individuals who should be hassled whenever the opportunity presents itself. Look into their backgrounds, track their movements, and settle in on the one you like best. Now it’s time to play hero.
STEP THREE: Apprehending The Suspect
Alright, it’s go time. You’ve examined the evidence, you’ve narrowed down your list of suspects by tracking their movements and picking the one that looks the most like a creepy murderer. Now it’s time to nab the bastard.
There are a lot of different ways to catch a murder suspect, and some are much more effective than others. You’re going to be tempted to use a very large net. DO NOT use a very large net. It is cumbersome, hard to maneuver, and never as satisfying as it looks on television.
You should also try not to rush into an arrest. Watch the suspect for a while and see if you can catch him doing another crime. Ideally, you would arrest the murderer while he’s committing another murder because then you solved that murder too and man is everyone going to think you’re so good at this!
If you follow the suspect around for a long time and he doesn’t end up committing another crime, the best time to apprehend him is when he is most likely to be embarrassed by his arrest. Like, if you could arrest him when he is proposing to his girlfriend on the jumbo-tron at a baseball game? HAHA imagine how red his face would be?! That would be awesome.
When you finally get the sucker, he might say things like “Hey what are you doing?” and “Are you even a cop?” but ignore that. He’s just trying to use his superior intellect to reverse psychology you into letting him go. But you know his tricks now. Don’t fall for them.
STEP FOUR: Obtaining A Confession
Interrogation is shown in television and movies as a fine art, almost a dance, that can have some lulls, some explosions, but is always a tug of war between the minds of the investigator and the perpetrator. They are shown always struggling for the upper hand, until one plays his cards the wrong way and either the trap is set, or the killer walks. In reality, the question you should probably start your interrogation with is “Hey did you do that murder?” because you would be surprised at how many times the killer will say “Oh that murder? Yeah I did that murder.” And then you’re done and everyone can go out for beer and wings (except the murderer, but maybe save him some for after because he did just make your job so much easier.)
Many killers like to be recognized for their crimes, and they’re just waiting for someone to ASK about them. The problem for many is that once you get them talking they won’t shut up about it. It’s like “OKAY I GET IT, YOU DID A LOTTTT OF MURDERS BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE A SOFTBALL GAME TO GET TO SO CUT IT THE FUCK OUT!”
Occasionally, you will get a killer that is not willing to confess because he thinks he is smarter than you. If that’s the case, then hoo boy, he probably is. I don’t know… maybe hit him? Or just be like “Fine, I guess you aren’t smart enough to be a murderer anyway because real murderers are smart and not idiots like you.” And he’ll be like “Hey I’m smart!” and then you say “So you admit that you’re a murderer!” and then he’s like “Aw fuck.” And then beer and wings.
So there you have it.
Four easy steps on how to solve a murder. Now get out there and take justice into your own hands because the cops sure as shit aren’t doing anything for you!
Image was pulled from a Google image search of “funny chalk outline” If you are the owner of the image and would like credit or to request it be taken down please contact please contact UnScene here.
