What’s up, Internet? I realized that I have all kinds of useful information that you, yes YOU, reader and/or spambot could use. In fact, you can’t afford not to know this stuff.
Even better, I’ve found that from Santa to Schindler, all mankind’s greatest thinkers have employed a list format to express their deepest thoughts/recipes. It’s also a proven way to drive engagement because, c’mon guys, it’s all about those sweet, sweet clicks. If this upsets you, I politely suggest that you redirect your hate from the player and instead refocus it on the game at hand.
So with that mind, and without further ado other than the ado at hand, I present to you the first THOM CROWLEY MAKES LISTS FOR SOME REASON
THOM CROWLEY’S TOP 13 WAYS TO GET FIRED
Hey, jobs, ammiright? The only thing worse than having one is finding a creative way to get fired, but NOT ANY MORE.
-Bring a new chainsaw to work every day. See how big the pile next to your desk gets before someone asks about it. Refuse to ever discuss the chainsaws or make eye contact when someone mentions them.
-Schedule arranged marriages for coworkers via Outlook.
-Steal your boss’s identity and use it to fire yourself from that old, shitty job you had before you stole your sweet new identity.
-Respond to every work request with a link to Loose Change.
-Apply for other jobs while at work. Then start holding interviews for other jobs at work. Then start working other jobs while at work. If you’re still not fired- hey! Two paychecks!
-Change the desktop wallpaper on every unattended computer to the Confederate flag.
-Spend the first half of every meeting loudly shuffling a deck of cards. Then spend the second half playing solitaire and making sex sounds every time you use a card.
-Overthrow the government and bring about the total collapse of capitalism as we know it.
-Send a company-wide email declaring your intention to start a Racism Club.
–Write highly negative, anonymous Google reviews of your workplace and then print them out and staple them to the backs of your coworker’s heads.
-Sing the Star Spangled Banner every morning but replace the every third word with “fuck”
-Get a tattoo of your boss’s (first and last) name on your face.
-Refuse to take orders from anyone who isn’t Bruce Springsteen*
There you go! All sorts of unique and original ways to say sianara (“sianara” is Native American for “go fuck yourself”) to your current employer. Just make sure you call dibs on each method so everyone isn’t quitting their jobs the same way. Otherwise it ruins the originality. Just, you know, communicate. Start subreddit or something, I dunno. Jesus, maybe if you took some initiative you wouldn’t be so desperate to quit your job, ya know?
*if your boss is Bruce Springsteen you are a member of the East Street Band and you do NOT quit that fucking job, okay? Bruce needs this.
