HOW TO!: UnScene’s Weekly Column About How to Do a Thing – by Rich Karski
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that serves as a case study on the long term effects of head injuries in high school sports.
Part of getting older is settling into a routine so your life stops being a terrifying gauntlet of unknown horrors leading up to your inevitable death, probably from one of the really bad cancers like eyeball cancer. Making life more predictable and eliminating as much of the surprise as you can control is something that most people strive for as they get to an age where the fear of death becomes inescapable. One way to do this is to get married.
Marriage eliminates so many variables in life that it’s no surprise that people are still doing it even after it has been proven to have a lower success rate than that TV show “Intervention.”
When you commit yourself to another person “forever” you get rid of the awkwardness of having to go on dates, the uncertainty of what you will be doing this weekend (arguing about where stuff goes in the house,) and the fear that comes from not knowing how long it will take somebody to find your corpse after you accidentally get trapped behind the washing machine.
It’s an easy decision to make. On the other hand, maybe you’ve truly met “the one” and you’re getting married because your love is so powerful that the president would need to call in the National Guard to take that shit down. Maybe your love is the one that is REALLY going to change the world and end wars and poverty and racism.
Either way, you are going to need to have a wedding. For the first group, I would recommend going to city hall and getting the paperwork done and then going to a bar with your friends. For the second group, however, that just isn’t going to cut it. If you are truly in love, your wedding needs to beat the concept of love into everybody within shouting distance so they know that yours is unstoppable. That’s why today I am going to teach you:
*HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING!*
STEP ONE: Making Your Wedding Website
This is a new development in the wedding planning game, but let me tell you it is a GAME CHANGER. As soon as that engagement ring goes on the finger you better get your ass onto the World Wide Web and get to work on martyandsamanthasenchanteddreamwedding.com.
The point of the website is to make your wedding seem like the most important wedding that has ever happened and all other weddings look like redneck piss-drinking contests by comparison. “NO LOVE IS AS SPECIAL AS OUR LOVE” is the message you want to convey with this website.
Will it have a poem about love? You bet your mother’s tits it will have a fucking poem about love, because your love is so goddamned special that it inspired a poet SEVEN HUNDRED YEARS IN THE PAST to dream up a scenario where the perfect love could exist and FINALLY you and your significant other have come along to make his dream a reality.
Does your love allow you to walk hand in hand near a body of water at sunset without even wearing fucking shoes? FUCK AND YES so you better put a picture of that shit on the website because if that’s the type of thing you do ON YOUR REGULAR DAY OFF then you need to give people a taste so they know whatever heartwarming shit you have planned for the wedding is going to blow that OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER.
Make sure to link to that shit on your facebook every couple of hours so everybody is constantly reminded that whatever they once thought love was is a bold faced lie and you are about to rain hellfire on their infantile concept of marital union. Look at your website as Hitler’s invasion of Poland. This is your announcement to the world that you are for real and they better get the fuck out of your way or face the consequences.
STEP TWO: Selecting Your Wedding Day
The importance of selecting a date is twofold- firstly: you want to choose a date that is unlikely to be ruined by weather events. Secondly: you want to choose a date that inconveniences as many of your wedding guests as possible.
The three most likely weekends that meet both criteria are Memorial Day Weekend, Fourth of July Weekend, and Labor Day Weekend. It’s likely that people are going to want to make plans for these weekends and those plans better be your wedding or they need to get used to you sending text messages to their friends and family implying they have a drug problem. Anyone who thinks your wedding isn’t the most important thing happening on any given weekend is someone who doesn’t belong there anyway and might even try to upstage you on the dance floor.
For bonus points, try to schedule your wedding on the same day as the wedding of a friend or family member, thus turning it into a competition to see who is more important to the people in your lives. If you’re aggressive enough you can intimidate them into rescheduling their wedding which had been booked prior to yours. A series of threatening phone calls followed by flyers mailed to local wedding vendors detailing their “shady past” should be enough to do the trick. Nobody wants to bake a wedding cake for someone with rumored ties to a terrorist organization. Remember, this is YOUR special day, even if someone else got there first.
STEP THREE: Choosing Your Location
Two words: destination wedding. This is another way of weeding out the people you haven’t yet realized you no longer want in your life. Anybody who isn’t willing to throw down a couple grand in airfare and hotel fees to see what a stunning couple you are standing barefoot on the beach (JUST LIKE IN THAT PICTURE OH MY GOD FULL CIRCLE) does not deserve to share in the life you are building together.
This is also beneficial because it essentially eliminates the poor from attending which is great because as we all know poor people are gross and do not deserve to be in the presence of love. Also, poor people will not be able to afford the wonderful gifts that you have added to your registry and why would you ever invite someone who is going to give you a subpar gift? “Oh you brought some towels? You might as well have brought typhus because that is how sick you just made me now get out of my fucking sight.” You don’t want to have to say the F word at your own wedding, do you? Of course not, so make sure to do whatever you can to exclude any poor “friends” or “relatives” from ruining your perfect day.
STEP FOUR: Finalizing Your Guest List
It isn’t just the poor that you want to keep out of your wedding. If Darwinism has taught us anything it’s that only the strong and probably white will be around long enough to see the world through to its natural conclusion (the Rapture, followed by a wine and cheese mixer in heaven.) This is the mindset you need to enter when making the final cuts on your wedding invitation.
First off the list are all but the wealthiest elderly people. Old folks bum people out and you don’t want anyone dying at your wedding unless you stand to inherit a huge chunk of change in that particular transaction. Next, make sure there are no kids. Kids are terrible and they’re loud and carry diseases so if you want to invite kids to your wedding how about just throw a bunch of French fries on the ground and invite some seagulls instead because there is literally no difference. Any parent that wouldn’t instinctually leave their children at home on your wedding day should be sent to jail and maybe even killed with a gun or some poison.
Finally, you’re going to want to limit the plus ones to other married people. Nobody that hasn’t been through the sacred rites of marriage should get to bring a date because seriously, Brian and Kelly, if you’re actually in love you wouldn’t have been living together for FIVE YEARS without a ring. Go to hell.
STEP FIVE: Having A Cash Bar
You’ve already invited these ungrateful assholes to be a part of the most magical day of your life, and now they think YOU’RE going to pay to get THEM drunk? The nerve of these people!
You might think that a cash bar could possibly make YOU look like the poor ones, but you can counter this by saying “We just didn’t want to invite the type of behavior that open bars tend to bring out in people.” That way you get to be super judgmental of anyone who gets too drunk at your wedding and sullies what is supposed to be the most beautiful day of your life and probably everyone in attendance’s life as well because let’s face it, there’s never going to be another couple like you.
And there you have it.
Five easy steps on how to plan your dream wedding without letting the thoughts and feelings of your loved ones get in the way. Now go out there and find the “love of your life” and don’t get deterred by the fact that that’s how literally every Dateline murder mystery starts.
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