HOW TO! #14: How to Throw a Dinner Party for Adults!
Welcome to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: The weekly online column that tastes like snozzberries if you lick your computer, tablet, or smartphone screen…no really it does I swear, come on, just lick the damn screen nobody is looking.
We are all growing up. This can be a difficult realization for a lot of people. We as humans tend to ignore the inevitable approach of death like it’s holding a clipboard and asking us to send some goats to an African family who probably wouldn’t even Vine themselves putting a funny hat on the goat and making it dance to rap music. What the fuck is the point of even having a goat at that point? Anyway, part of getting older is changing your idiot behavior to reflect the fact that your driver’s license is closer to expiring and your joints hurt for no reason, other than you decided to get out of bed. This is called “being an adult” and it is a very important part of tricking people into thinking you are a potentially acceptable employee or lover.
Now, “being an adult” doesn’t just happen. It is learned through years of social embarrassment and regrettable CD purchases (BUT I REALLY THOUGHT SUM 41 WAS GOING TO BE OUR GENERATION’S CLASH HAVE YOU EVER EVEN SEEN THEM LIVE?!!) In order to be considered a proper adult, one must learn to interact with other adults on a very adult basis (and I’m not talking about the fun kind of adult that comes before “video store” or “situations.” I’m talking about the boring kind of adult that comes before things like “continuing education” and “diapers.”) Socializing with other adults is the highest form of adulthood you can reach. It says “I am a member of a community and probably not a dangerous murderer.” That’s why today I am going to teach you scoundrels:
***HOW TO THROW A DINNER PARTY FOR ADULTS***
STEP ONE: Acquiring Appropriate Dinner Accessories
Throwing this dinner party can be a costly venture, but acquiring proper dinnerware is a must, because your one Rolling Rock pint glass that you got for free at the liquor store isn’t going to be enough décor to get you through it. For a proper adult dinner party you will need all of the dinner accessories found in most adult kitchens. Plates, cups, silverware, pots, and pans are all going to be necessary if you’re going to pull this off. If you have these items already then, congratulations your majesty aren’t you so fucking great EAT A DICK! If you do not, there are ways to get them without having to break the bank.
For cups, you can just wash out some old beefaroni cans that have fallen behind your trash but you never picked up because if it’s not “in” the trash it doesn’t totally count so it’s fine to just sit there. Make sure you wash them out really well and give them a good shine. This makes it look like you are an environmentally conscious person with chic taste in dinnerware and will make your guests question their own dependence on consumerism. Just be sure to take the labels off so the former contents of the cans remain a mystery.
Oooohhhh, what could they have contained? POSSIBLY JEWELS! Your plates can be re-purposed coffee can lids and maybe some old Frisbees you have lying around. Make sure to draw bad graffiti on them with a Sharpie so you can claim they are limited edition dinnerware items produced by a very hot and little known local street artist. Everyone will be super jealous even if you can’t get all the grass stains off of them first.
For pots and pans, I recommend stealing them from your mom, and if that is not an option, find someone else’s mom and steal her pots and pans. If she is confused as to what a stranger is doing in her home rummaging through her cookware, say that you’re trying to make a robot costume for a child. And the child is dying. And their dying wish was to be a robot so they would never have to die. This will be so heartbreaking to a mother that they will give you all the pots and pans you need and maybe even write you a check to make the robot costume more realistic. Cash the check and use the money to buy wine.
Silverware can be obtained by stealing from fancy restaurants, but you have to be smart about it. Simply go into a restaurant as if you are prepared to eat a fancy meal, and wait for the hostess to set the silverware next to their appropriate place settings. Calmly slip the silverware into your pockets, and then pretend you are getting a phone call. Pull your phone out of your pocket and shout into the receiver “WHAT?! AN EMERGENCY HYSTERECTOMY?! BUT IT’S MY DAY OFF!” then do an exaggerated eye roll and say to the next table “Saving lives is a 24/7 job.” And stroll out of the restaurant with your new forks and knives.
STEP TWO: Preparing A Meal
This could get tricky, because you’re going to have to ignore your instincts to make macaroni and cheese with ground beef and pickles stirred into it, in favor of more adult fare. But what do adults like to eat? The more important question here actually, is what do adults NOT like to eat and what CAN’T adults eat? You’re going to want to ask the people coming to the dinner party about their dietary restrictions because if there is one thing adults love to talk about it is all the stuff they can’t eat.
“Oh no, I never touch dairy” and “Fish has been known to contain dangerous amounts of mercury” and “I am on a special diet where I am only allowed to eat dangerous amounts of mercury” are all things adults are dying to tell people and by asking this question you give them the opportunity to tell you how healthy they are trying to be and how unhealthy you are by not eating the exact same stuff as them. This will make them feel good, because they will assume you are concerned about their wishes before you ultimately settle on making lasagna or a roast (adults fucking love roasts) and they eat it anyway because they lack the constitution to turn down a free meal.
“But, Rich I’ve never made lasagna, and to be honest I’ve never made anything and I can’t really cook.” Well shut up for a second, okay? I’m going to let you in on a little secret. It’s called “the internet.” On this magical “internet” there are things called “recipes.” In order to learn the culinary arts, you need to ask yourself one question: Can I fucking read?
If you answered yes to this question, then congratulations! You can cook! If your answer to this question was “What the fuck do these symbols mean?” then you’re much further away from adulthood than I had anticipated and maybe don’t ever vote or have a kid. Once you’ve picked your recipe by choosing the second thing that pops up in Google (NEVER choose the first recipe you MONSTER) you just read the fucking thing and do the steps the thing tells you to do.
Now, you’re going to cut yourself a lot, and burn yourself even more than that. You want to bleed AWAY from the food or else once your dinner guests have consumed your blood they will develop a taste for it and band together to murder and cannibalize you. That is NOT what this night is about. It is about adult socialization.
STEP THREE: Socializing As An Adult
So what do you say to other adults to inform them of your adulthood? Adults communicate in very specific ways, so the first and most important thing I can tell you is, don’t talk about your scabs. Sure YOU’RE really interested in your scabs and you think they’re cool and great but what is an adult going to think? “Hmm… scabs? How childish,” is what. Adults like to talk about the following topics: current events, literature, finance, and cute items of furniture that they saw but did not buy. THAT’S IT. Don’t know anything about any of those topics? That’s okay, because I can teach you a couple of all-purpose workaround phrases that will be sure to make you seem witty, informed, and most importantly, intimidating. Practice the following phrases to be used as the response to any question or comment that comes your way:
#1.“I don’t know. Seems a little gauche to me.”
#2. “Sure, if you want to look at everything through the lens of our predatory capitalist upbringing.”
#3. “That view is a little simplistic, don’t you think?”
#4. “Excuse me, I have to check the cat’s stool for worms.”
Once you’ve mastered these phrases you will be able to blow your adult friends away with how smart and interesting you are, leaving plenty of opportunity for the final step.
STEP FOUR: Suggesting Group Sex
This is the real reason adults get together in social settings, but nobody wants to admit it. That tension you feel all night is repressed sexual energy filling the room and waiting to be ignited like a gas leak. This is what everyone was hoping for as soon as they got the invitation, but you can’t be too forward with it or you will risk scaring everybody away. You need to ease into it. Drop subtle hints throughout the night, such as “Is it sexy in here or is it just me?” or “Has anybody seen ‘Caligula?’” and watch as the tension builds and the lustful looks increase as dinner wraps up. Turn the thermostat up to around 85, and maybe let the faint sounds of a pornographic video tape filter in from the adjacent room. Once you’ve set the mood, and you’ve all had enough wine, it’s time to spring your trap.
Say something like, “Wouldn’t it be weird if we all started fucking right now?” and your guests will think “You know… it WOULD be weird. Weird and SEXY!” and soon you will be off to the races. 87% of all adult dinner parties end in an orgy, and the other 13% fail due to the host’s inability to seal the deal. Don’t be part of that 13%, or everybody will say things like “Who throws a dinner party without sex?” or “I’ve never been to such a disappointing, sexless dinner party” or “The dinner was fine, but I didn’t even get to watch anybody have sex with my wife so what’s even the point of leaving the house?” Don’t let this happen to you.
And there you have it.
Four easy steps on how to throw a dinner party for adults and not look like the foolish idiot child that we all know you are. Now go out there and entertain your friends while raising questions about the stability of their marriages.
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