HOW TO! …brought to you by a famous celebrity guest writer!

HOW TO! #12: How to get a free BJ’s Wholesale Club Membership!

Rich Karski is off this week, so this week’s installment is brought to you by a FAMOUS CELEBRITY GUEST WRITER!

Welcome back to another edition of Rich Karski’s HOW TO!: the weekly online column that… Hey remember your high school bully? Well, he/she reflected on how he/she mistreated you and that caused him/her so much remorse he/she took his/her own life because he/she couldn’t find the words to apologize to you… This is the weekly online column that finds those words.

UnScene is quickly becoming one of the most popular comedy websites on the internet and has attracted celebrity guest writers so high profile they can’t use their real names otherwise it would shut down Google. I am one of these guest writers. (Editor’s note: I could tell who had written this almost immediately, as once again, I am responsible for the vast majority of the punctuation in this article.)

As a famous celebrity I can tell you there is nothing I love more than unreasonably large amounts of common everyday items. The best way to acquire theses things for the little people like you to is to buy them in bulk.  You might be saying but I don’t need 2 gallons of extra heavy mayonnaise, well this isn’t about need its about want.  You want all that extra mayonnaise to show everyone how much of a man/woman you are.  Or maybe you are saying that ‘I live in a small apartment and don’t have room for 40 rolls of toilette paper.’  Maybe you don’t realize how much you’ll be going to the bathroom as you try and work through all that mayonnaise. Are you convinced to head on down to your local wholesale store? Of course you are. I am a celebrity you can trust me.

Unfortunately, not all of you are rich and famous enough to be able to afford a membership to a wholesale club.  I’m sure you are screaming at your computer cursing the gods of capitalism. Why should you have have spend money to… spend money at a store?  Shouldn’t you just be able to walk in to any business, start waving your credit card around and demand to be treated like a king?  Why would American Express keep giving you money you don’t have if you weren’t royalty? Well, we live in a world of arbitrary rules and one of those rules is if you want to buy in bulk you need to shell out a whopping fifty dollars a year. That is nearly a dollar a week.  You could be buying a whole scratch ticket a week with that money.  Why are the wholesale stores trying to keep you down by preventing you from winning the lottery?  It is a mystery for the ages.  So, isn’t there some way around this? Can’t you just go in to Costco or Sam’s Club and treat the employees like shit like you would to any other retail professional until you get your way?

No you can’t. Costco has a long history of liberal douche-baggery and does things like respect its employees and have integrity.  Sam’s Club on the other hand, is a subsidiary of Walmart and you don’t become Walmart by kowtowing to any Johnny Shithead who doesn’t want to pay his membership dues.

However, if you live on the East Coast (excluding South (fake) Carolina) or Ohio (the East Coast of the Midwest) there is a third option for your wholesale needs. It’s a place called BJ’S Wholesale club, and they suck as much as their name would lead you to believe. BJ’s is a company that saw what Costco was doing and said, ‘we can do that, only shittier’.

The name BJ comes from the blow job any of their mangers will give you if you threaten to take your business to Costco. BJ’s wants you to buy a membership to their store because of a little secret the Big Wholesale companies don’t want you to know. What is that secret you ask? Well, the membership fees people pay are “pure profit” for them. You see, all these companies could operate with out charging you to shop there and still be highly profitable but by charging people to shop there it creates a brand loyalty and causes them to shop there more. BJ’s knows this, so if you want to spend money there with out buying a membership they will absolutely let you. You just need to know how. So this week’s How to is:

How to Get A Free BJ’s Wholesale Club Membership

Step One:  Learn the system

Twice a year for four months at a time Bj’s offers a free trial membership.  Twice a year for four months, that’s 8 months out of the year.  Its like they are almost always giving away these trial memberships.  So how do you know when to get your free trial.  Well you can just go in and ask for one and statistically they are probably going to be offering it at that time.  If they aren’t be real rude to all the employees you encounter (more on this later), make a scene, storm off and comeback a few weeks later.  Keep repeating this until you come in and they are offering the free trial.  Now that you’ve gotten you’re first one boom, you are in the system forever so twice a year you are going to get a piece of card board mailed to you that says you’ve gotten a 60 day free trial.  60 days twice a year that’s only four months a year and you want a free membership all the time.  You are probably thinking this mystery celebrity probably isn’t one of those famous math geniuses.  And yes you are right, there are no famous math geniuses because this country doesn’t respect intellectuals.

So, here’s what you need to do to get a membership all the time. Go in at the beginning of the month. The trials say 60 days but BJ’s uses shitty out of date computers that can’t actually measure 60 days so there memberships always expire the last day of the month. This means when you sign up at the beginning of the month you are getting three months instead of two. So now were up to six months out of the year. Remember when I said they offer the trials for four months at a time? If you go in and get one at the beginning of those four months then when it expires there will be a whole month left to sign up for another free trial.  This one goes for three more months and when it expires you’ll be into a new cycle of free trials. Just keep timing it right and you’ll always have a valid membership. I know, your saying ‘It can’t just be that easy,’ and it isn’t.  BJ’s will tell you need to buy a membership after you try it the first time but I’ll show you how to get around that.

Step Two: Be as rude as possible to the employees

So BJ’s doesn’t really want you to do the trial, they want you in the store spending money so they’ll settle for the trial but they want you to buy a membership (see “pure profit”). To get you to buy the membership you have to deal with barely trained sales people who work for minimum wage. So, when you walk in don’t ask for the free trial, you should declare, as obnoxiously as possible, you’ll be taking advantage of it.  Which is exactly what you will be doing, taking advantage.

The first thing the sales person is going to ask you is for is a photo ID. Never give them this right away. What are they, the cops?  Nope, they don’t have guns or command respect. Hand them pretty much anything out of your wallet that isn’t a legal ID or a form of currency. A few great examples are:

• A bus pass
• A library card
• A novelty Federal Booby Inspector’s license
• Or Your Costco card

Now, when they tell you none of these are valid be sure to act as indignant as possible about them questioning you. Even after you get your license be real shitty about removing it from your wallet. The first time you go in they are really going to try and sell you a membership. As soon as they go into their sales pitch cut them off as bluntly as possible. Sure, the offer might be good. A 20 percent savings on the membership fee, a bunch of coupons, the two free months being added to your year, and a gift that exceeds the value of the membership. Fuck that, you are here for a free thing and you’ll be damned if you don’t get the free thing you came in for.

Now that you’ve done this once its going to be a little different. After you give them your ID they will be able to see that you’ve had a trial already. Maybe you’ll get lucky and get someone dead on the inside who isn’t going to put up any fight and give you what you came for. Sometimes though, you’ll get someone who is trying to be a hero. They’ll tell you this is for new members only. They may even point to fine print on the piece of card board that says exactly that. Once again Fuck that, everyone knows something is only legally binding if you read it. You didn’t read that fine print so it has no effect on you. All you saw was the part that said you were going to get something for free and by god your going to hold that minimum wage idiots feet to the fire until you get it.

Maybe they are still refusing, what to do then. Demand to speak to a manager, because these managers are absolutely spineless. They will give you what ever you want just so you’ll stop yelling in the store. Like a shitty parent does with a spoiled child.

If the manager some how has the gall to turn you down for any reason you just have to call the corporate headquarters. Be sure to make up some lies about how awful everyone at the store treated you and make some empty threat about taking your business to Costco. The person on the phone will assure you that when you go in to the store next time you will have no problem signing up for a membership. You see, the higher up on the corporate latter you go at this company, the more more cowardice you will find. Now that you’ve been assured a hassle free go into the store like the conquering hero you are.

Pro tip:  When you go in for the trial try and find two or three friends as a group. Approach the person at the service desk as a group and then each one of you ask that person for your own individual trial. You see these people’s performance evaluation is directly linked to the number of trials versus the number of paid members they sign up. So, taking the hit of three or four trials in a matter of moments is sure to annoy them and hopefully it will get them to do something that you can consider rude and complain to a manager about it. Like I’ve already stated, these managers are spineless and will certainly give you a gift card so you don’t cancel your free membership.

Step Three: Excuses, Excuses

Now these so called sales people are going to give you some completely logical reasons to buy a membership. So you must have completely illogical reason to rebut them with. They say its a 100 percent money back guarantee (which it is) and you can get your money back anytime, you say you don’t think you’ll ever be in this area ever again. They’ll tell you if you buy a 40 dollar membership you get a 50 dollar gift card to restaurants.com and you tell them you are frightened and confused by the idea of having to use the internet.  They point out you’ve had dozens of trials so you clearly like shopping here and you tell them you won’t buy a membership until the store starts carrying a product that is either completely illegal or is a fictitious item you made up in your head (shark antler flavored red bull, for example).  They tell you that if you buy certain items like milk, bread, or paper towels there that over the course of a year the membership will pay for itself and you tell them that your wife is dead and she loved milk and paper towel sandwiches.

Pro tip: Speaking of the one hundred percent money back guarantee and 50 dollar restaurants.com gift card. Maybe you really want that gift card but you real want that trial as well. Just buy the membership get the gift card and activate it. Then cancel your membership get your forty dollars back and sign up for a free trial.

Step Four: Be the worst you can be

After you’ve used all the skills I’ve shown you to maintain a perpetual free membership you are not going to be well like amongst the employees of BJ’s.  They are going to think of you as entitled idiotic jackass.  So while your at BJ’s just be the worst kind of person you can be because that’s how everyone there is already going to look at you.  Do you have a cat that pees on your clothes?  Wear those piss scented rags to the store and rub as much produce as you can on them.  Speaking of produce buy a bunch of it, let it go bad and then go in and return it.  Remember the person doing the return is also the person who signs you up for the trial so you should probably treat them like its their fault the produce went bad.  When ever you interact with anyone who works there make casual racist remarks to see how they react.

Are they offended? Then complain about how they were rude and gave you poor customer service. Were they not offended, then complain about how they are racist. You’ll get a gift card one way or another. Speaking of racism, are you a minority, have you ever wanted to behave like the worst stereotype that has ever been put upon your people. Mexicans feel free to take a siesta where ever you want in the store.  Black people arrive at the store just as its closing so you’ll make everyone working the closing shift leave late, then tell them they are on your time now.  Also steal.  Are you jewish, haggle and complain about how you don’t have enough money even though your purse of gold coins is around your neck where everyone can see it.

Step Five: Don’t buy anything

You got your free membership, you’ve ruined the days of everyone who works there, and you’ve let your entire culture down what do you do now?  Well it certainly isn’t going to be spending money at Bj’s.  Sure you can buy a couple of things but don’t go crazy.  When you are signing up for your trials the person doing it can see how much money you spent with your last one.  It will drive them crazy when they see you only spent 17 dollars in three months and now you are back for more.  It really lets them know you are just doing this for spite and because you just really want a free thing.

There you have it.

How to get a free membership for life to BJ’s Wholesale Club. I hope you enjoyed reading and practicing this material just as much as I enjoyed writing it. I’m going back to Hollywood now, where I will remove my anonymous writers cloak and don my anonymous Illuminati orgy cloak.  Come back next week when Rich Karski returns from his trip to the Preakness/Glue Factory.

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