Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that would absolutely 100% kick the shit out of Santa Claus, any and all Christmas ghosts, and whatever mystical ghoul is in charge of Chanukah.

I was so goddamned close to getting back to .500 for the season. I usually don’t care about my record here because joke’s on you suckers I don’t bet all of these games. I only bet one game a week and it is actually a lower-tier Brazilian soccer game and I always win because the refs are crooked. But after being 18 games under .500 as of Week Seven I thought my chances for a winning season were all but gone. Turns out though, there’s not only such thing as regression towards the mean, but also PROgression towards the mean. It was only a matter of time before I climbed out of that rut and settled in right in the middle. Surely nothing can go wrong this week to sabotage that.

Also just to get it out of the way up front, that should have been ruled a catch and the Patriots got bailed out big time by the refs but if you expect me to have sympathy for Ben Roethlisberger and Mike Tomlin you’re better off asking Paul Ryan to have sympathy for a dying orphan. And not an orphan like Batman who is super rich. I’m talking about one of the dirty ones who can’t even afford a butler. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 7-5-3. As always, home team is in caps.

BALTIMORE -13 vs. Indianapolis

Well the good news is we don’t have to suffer through Thursday Night Football for the rest of the season but the bad news is every game this week sucks ass and if I’m going to spend my weekend ignoring my family I would rather not have to pretend to be interested in this horseshit slate. People in Baltimore who still complain about the Colts leaving better shut the fuck up after they see what they’re missing this week.

Detroit -5.5 vs. CINCINNATI

I’m not sure what the fuck Cincinnati has been doing these past two weeks but it hasn’t been “playing football.” Marvin Lewis is on his way out the door so I guess he’s not too concerned with that so maybe he’s just out there being like “yeah go wreck that guy’s brain whatever. Sure see if you can punch his dick off in the pile what do I care?” Yeah he still wants his guys to injure as many opposing players as possible, but his heart just isn’t in it.

NY JETS +7 vs. LA Chargers

I can’t believe I had faith in Philip Rivers and the Chargers. There is no Jesus in Los Angeles and you can tell it’s getting to Rivers because he hasn’t gotten his wife pregnant since they moved there. He just can’t cum unless he knows the woman isn’t within driving distance of safe access to an abortion.

LA Rams -7 vs. Tennessee

The Rams are legit and the people of St. Louis are probably livid that the Cubs won the World Series two years ago and are going to be better than the Cardinals again this year because they don’t give a shit about football and have already forgotten about this team.

Cleveland +6.5 vs. CHICAGO

This is it. This is Cleveland’s last best chance to win a game and avoid 0-16. Can they do it??? Will you watch to find out??? You will??? Do you need to talk to somebody??? I know the holidays are hard for people with depression but please don’t do this to yourself. You have so many people that care about you. Think of the damage that watching this game could do to you and your loved ones. Please, if you’re considering watching this game, call someone.

CAROLINA -10 vs. Tampa Bay

Seriously Cam Newton is just showing up to press conferences dressed as cartoon characters. Fuckin, Morocco Mole-ass Carmen Sandiego-ass Yosemite Sam-ass Dick Tracy-ass motherfucker.

NEW ORLEANS -6 vs. Atlanta

This division is going to send three teams to the playoffs but more importantly this division can suck my diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick.

WASHINGTON -3 vs. Denver

The only games this week that don’t have huge spreads involve teams that aren’t making the playoffs and have nothing to play for other than the pride of standing up for your racist name or your horse-faced dickhead of a team president. Maybe the Broncos will be scouting Kirk Cousins in this one because their QBs amount to a stack of shit 20 feet high. If they could all play on each others shoulders they could QB sneak for a first down on every play why have they not tried this yet please put me in charge.

KANSAS CITY -10 vs. Miami

Andy Reid is going to run the ball on every down and pocket all of his timeouts regardless of the score because he has a ham with his name on it back at the house. It’s actually a brand that he owns called ANDY HAM and it’s not so much a ham as it is a roasted pig tied to another roasted pig and then covered in Cinnabon icing.

Buffalo +11 vs. NEW ENGLAND

Tom Brady is sad because his quack doctor can’t come on the team plane anymore and pour artisanal seawater into his nose while he sleeps to prevent gingivitis. Never underestimate Brady’s ability to pout about stupid bullshit. We read his emails. If he gets that bent out of shape about a designer pool cover I wouldn’t be surprised if keeping his witch doctor away puts him into full Teen Brady mode and he shuffles around the field like he’s being forced to do yard work.

SAN FRANCISCO +4 vs. Jacksonville

Jimmy the Wop is never losing another game because he taped a bunch of dollar bills to a statue of the Virgin Mary and kicked a sheep into a pond or whatever weird shit Italians do instead of actually believing in Jesus.

NY Giants +3.5 vs. ARIZONA

I guess this game gives Arizona a chance to scout Eli in case they want to go into next season with another old-ass quarterback. I guess Arizona is the place where a lot of old folks go to play golf and die so Eli could do worse and end up somewhere like Jacksonville where old folks go to do meth and live forever.

DALLAS -5.5 vs. Seattle

My dear friend Adam thinks this is too many points but Adam also thinks country music is good because he got bonked on the head by a coconut. Country music sucks and I found out yesterday that Garth Brooks’ real first name is Troyal so I’m gonna kick down his door and take back all of his cowboy hats because that is some absolute bullshit.

Pittsburgh -9 vs. HOUSTON

HAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK the Steelers. Seriously. Fuck them. I hope they lose every game on progressively worse calls. Reading #Steelers twitter after that game was pure joy. Now see if that had happened to my preferred NFL team, I would have handled it like a rational adult. Unless it cost me money in which case I would have thrown my television into the sea.

Oakland +9 vs. PHILADELPHIA

I’m going to be too drunk to remember any details of this game so I’m going to wake up the next day and either have a bunch of extra money or be missing a bunch of money I thought I had. Either way, Christmas Miracle!

LAST WEEK: 7-5-3

SEASON TOTAL: 104-105-13

Rich Karski

Rich is a contributor for UnSceneComedy.com