Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that rides a horse to work like a big dumb fucking asshole with no brain.
The story of the week is once again a player who is instrumental to his team’s success has been betrayed by their body and they are now injured and out for the season. This time it was *checks notes* Carston Waltz. Young Carston was on track to win the MVP award, but now the only award he will win is the award for shittiest leg and he might not even win that because there’s some serious competition this year. It will also come as a shock to nobody that despite the quarterback of a contending team being lost for the year due to injury, Colin Kaepernick is still unemployed. We have to watch Nick Foles try to salvage this fucking thing and I’m sure he won’t be beaten to death by Eagles fans after four giveaways against Seattle in a divisional playoff game. The President put his big orange stamp of approval on a pedophile and that is more acceptable to fat white dickheads than not wanting cops to shoot black people, and fat white dickheads and pedophiles buy Ford trucks and eat at Papa John’s so you’re shit out of luck Colin. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-6-0. As always, home team is in caps.
Denver -2.5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
I don’t think it’s possible for the stakes of this game to get any lower so if nobody wants to get themselves injured they should just call the game off, play a video tape of an old Broncos/Colts game, and hope nobody notices. It’s weird that these are both horse teams and then I realized the Chargers are ALSO a horse team and the NFL has three horse teams. That’s too many. Horses are getting into bird territory in the NFL, and it’s making them look stupid. Not as stupid as baseball which has two teams named after socks but it’s close.
DETROIT -5.5 vs. Chicago
Detroit is the most boring team in the league probably because their coach is a dead body in a windbreaker and they are trying not to call attention to this.
LA Chargers -1 vs. KANSAS CITY
The fact that the Chargers are favored at Kansas City says everything you need to know about the trajectory of these teams. KC bounced back somewhat from their awful losing streak by kicking the shit out of the Raiders, but LA is much hotter coming into this game. Some would say so hot that you should wait a little while before you try to take a bite of them but Andy Reid says that’s a coward’s approach. By the time you sit and let that Hot Pocket cool you could have eaten two other extremely hot Hot Pockets. It’s called economics.
NY GIANTS +7.5 vs. Philadelphia
I do not believe in Nick Foles. I know Nick Foles. For whatever reason everyone think this will be fine but it will not be fine. “It’s not that big of a drop off when you look at his efficiency numbers” FUCK OUTTA HERE. You’re not selling me on Philly still getting the number one seed and winning any playoff games with Nick Foles. Your season is over and your team is cursed because you fucked up Santa Claus one time. That’s how it works ask Tim Allen.
Green Bay +3 vs. CAROLINA
Aaron Rodgers is back and I was going to pick against Green Bay because I don’t know what shape he’s going to be in or how useful he will be but then I realized Aaron Rodgers is going to run the table and take Green Bay to the NFC Championship game and then lose a heartbreaker because of something stupid Mike McCarthy did because that’s who Aaron Rodgers is and that’s what Aaron Rodgers does.
MINNESOTA -10.5 vs. Cincinnati
The Bengals had probably the most embarrassing loss of the season last week, getting destroyed by a Bears team that had already given up on their season and just a week prior got dick punched by their old kicker. Next year some team is going to hire Marvin Lewis and some team is going to sign Andy Dalton out of the dumpster and if those are the same team those fans should burn down their owner’s house. If somehow they don’t lose their jobs, well, BBQ at Paul Brown’s place.
JACKSONVILLE -12 vs. Houston
I don’t know what this defense is going to do to TJ Yates but it’s going to be a violation of that man’s civil rights.
NEW ORLEANS -16 vs. NY Jets
Just look away.
WASHINGTON -4 vs. Arizona
This is another game with absolutely nothing at stake and if I were Kirk Cousins I would fake an injury and sit out the rest of the year to make sure that I don’t nuke my contract value by getting hurt or continuing to remind people what exactly they’re getting when they pay tens of millions of dollars for Kirk Cousins.
Baltimore -7 vs. CLEVELAND
It’s hard to imagine this Cleveland team not going 0-16. I mean, I guess it’s not that hard to imagine Joe Flacco returning to form and posting numbers like 8/26 passing for 121 yards and 4 INTs. In fact that’s fairly easy to imagine. The hard part is imagining Deshone Kizer not out-dueling him and handing the win to the Ravens. After that Green Bay game I think they’ve instructed Deshone to throw these games away so they can go 0-16 and sell some t-shirts. Haha nah I’m kidding he just sucks.
SEATTLE -2.5 vs. LA Rams
Adam is going to be mad about this pick so I will have to explain it to him in terms he can understand. I know Seattle isn’t the same team as they have been and the Rams are actually pretty decent but hear me out on this: it is loud there. Somebody translate that into bird language.
SAN FRANCISCO -2 vs. Tennessee
Marcus Mariota is bad now. Jimmy Garoppolo is good now. Keep up because this information will be important later.
New England -3 vs. PITTSBURGH
And now we get to the game with the biggest stakes this week. I don’t really have anything unique to say about this game. Everybody is already saying how important it is, so I will just say this: I am sick of the Steelers being let off the hook every goddamned game and I hope Ben Roethlisberger’s dick falls off and I hope a bird swoops down and steals the dick and then drops the dick in the open mouth of an alligator and the alligator chomps the dick into small pieces and then spits out the dick pieces and the dick pieces poison the water supply and the whole city of Pittsburgh gets sick from drinking Ben’s gross dick water.
Dallas -3 vs. OAKLAND
Remember when we thought Derek Carr was good? Those were wild times.
Atlanta -6 vs. TAMPA BAY
Ditto Jameis. Jameis would probably be far more productive if his dick fell off too. It would be easier to concentrate on things other than sexually assaulting women if he didn’t have a dick. Maybe some innovative GM will start proposing this to players at the combine. A guy willing to give up his dick for the sake of the team shows the kind of commitment you want in a prospect.
LAST WEEK: 8-6-0
SEASON TOTAL: 97-100-10