Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that can definitively prove the earth is flat because if it wasn’t all of our cars would just keep rolling downhill you idiot.
Okay it’s time for a hot take: they should let the football players fight like they do in hockey. After seeing what the fuck was going on in the Steelers/Bengals game on Monday, and hearing everybody get all pissy about it, I have decided it is time to let the football men punch each other. I first want to say in no uncertain terms that what happened on Monday was bullshit. What Gronk did on Sunday was bullshit too. Guys are relying on smashing the brain of an opponent who is not expecting it to get revenge, when the simple solution is to just let them punch each other like civilized adults. You’re not going to do much damage swinging a closed fist into a helmet. In fact, you’ll probably look like a huge fucking idiot. BUT, it gets the aggression out, and allows guys to save face and stops them from launching themselves full-force into another guy’s brain like a missile. Let them punch each other! Let them throw a few wild punches, pull them apart, sit them on the bench for five minutes, then let them come back when they’ve cooled down. It works perfectly fine in hockey and everyone loves it and nobody is trying to phase it out of the game at all because that would be insane. I see absolutely no way this could backfire. ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 8-8-0. As always, home team is in caps.
New Orleans -1 vs. ATLANTA
New Orleans fans celebrated even harder than Pats fans when Atlanta blew their 28-3 Super Bowl lead because apparently these teams are rivals? Yeah no I don’t know either. I tend to ignore rivalries that are “forced” or “stupid” or “not real.” That being said, this is one of the few good games this week and it is going to be ruined by being played on Thursday night. Everyone’s Achilles is going to rupture or they’re going to get inner-ear infections and fall over or whatever and then they’ll ask the players after the game “How do you like playing on Thursday Night?” and everyone will say “It should be considered a hate crime” except company man Drew Brees who will say some bullshit like “We play on the day we are scheduled to play and that’s God’s will and I love God even though he gave me this shit smear on my face.”
CINCINNATI -6 vs. Chicago
I don’t know how the Bengals lost that game on Monday but they’re a real bunch of dickheads and if Marvin Lewis keeps his job after this season it’s only because Paul Brown forgot he owns a football team and didn’t realize he could fire him which actually explains a lot about how this team has been run for the past couple of decades I actually think I have stumbled across the truth.
JACKSONVILLE -2.5 vs. Seattle
I can’t wrap my head around Jacksonville being good but that defense is legit and this team could win a playoff hahaha no they can’t because Blake Bortles isn’t winning a playoff game go to hell don’t say that to me. I do, however, think they’ll win this game because the Seahawks offensive line doesn’t exist and Russell Wilson is likely to be killed as soon as he steps onto the field RIP Russell Wilson he at least fucked once before he died.
KANSAS CITY -4 vs. Oakland
Man this division is a goddamned sewer. The Chiefs lost to the fucking Jets and the Raiders barely beat Geno Smith. After starting 5-0 if Andy Reid doesn’t make the playoffs he probably won’t get fired but I bet at the very least they’ll take away his cookie jar and make him walk all the way from his office to the vending machine when he wants some cookies. That should be enough motivation for him to make a final push for a division title. Jack del Rio, despite underachieving in an equally embarrassing way, will also likely not be fired. His name in Spanish means Jack of the River which is almost like Jack Off the River so he’s named like he’s jacking off a river or something. Pervert.
Minnesota -3 vs. CAROLINA
It’s 2017 and Case Keenum is a better quarterback than Cam Newton so I’m not sure why dumb racists are still boycotting the league because this seems like a huge win for them.
Green Bay -3 vs. CLEVELAND
If Green Bay can beat Cleveland (which let’s face it everybody can beat Cleveland, it’s just a matter of whether or not they stay awake long enough to finish the game) then they might get Aaron Rodgers back for the final playoff push which could really improve the quality of some of these games down the stretch. It could also rescue Mike McCarthy’s job so that we get at least another year of that cartoon minion-looking-ass bitch destroying Rodgers’ prime. You know maybe Rodgers should just sit it out or if he does come back maybe try to hit McCarthy with a frozen rope while he’s on the sideline chewing cud and hope it kills him or gives him that kind of amnesia where he thinks he’s a horny French countess or something. Couldn’t hurt to try is all I’m saying.
San Francisco +3 vs. HOUSTON
Jimmy G spaghetti meatball parmagiana mangia mangia mangia suck my dick.
LA CHARGERS -6 vs. Washington
Ah, Rivers vs. Cousins. LA Jesus vs. DC Jesus. Which disgusting den of boy-fucking does Jesus prefer? I suppose one of them is on fire right now so you might want to lean DC but don’t count out the possibility of LA being the first mercy-killing of the ongoing rapture. It’s entirely possible they’re getting off easy (much like those movie producers and politicians inside all of those boys.)
DENVER +2 vs. NY Jets
You ever wonder what it would be like to eat a man? I don’t mean like you are in a do or die survival situation where you draw straws and the loser is slaughtered and eaten raw. I mean like you get a cut of meat and season it and prepare it and that meat just happens to be human. Probably pretty good I bet.
Tennessee -3 vs. ARIZONA
Tennessee is going to the playoffs and they stink too holy shit the first round of the playoffs this year is going to be so fucking ugly especially on the AFC side. Are we seriously going to miss the days of Houston vs. Cincinnati? Is that where we’re heading? *checks standings* Yes that’s where we are heading we live in hell never forget it.
LA RAMS -2.5 vs. Philadelphia
Goff vs. Wentz. Philadelphia Jesus vs. a guy who I can only assume is a Satanist who sold his soul to the devil to get good at football. It’s very fitting that there are two games in LA the same week that the city is burning down. Seems like a metaphor for something. Or would this be an allegory? I don’t know how words work anymore because I damaged my brain with alcohol and sports and fistfights and processed wheats.
Dallas -4 vs. NY GIANTS
Hahahahahaha FUCK these teams. All the Giants fans cried and they got Eli back but what’s the point now? The damage is done his streak is gone your season is over just let the man relax. Give him a juice box and some Legos and send Geno back out there but you gotta make sure you keep an eye on Eli there are a lot of small pieces and he could choke.
Baltimore +4.5 vs. PITTSBURGH
Fuck these teams too. “AFC North Football: Where we try to hit everyone in the head until they get as stupid as our dipshit quarterbacks.” Playing in this garbage division seems to be about as good for your brain as making loud, sudden noises behind a horse.
New England -11 vs. MIAMI
The Patriots usually stink in Miami and they are without Gronk because GRONK GET MAD AND GRONK SMASH but I still think the Pats will cover because Miami sucks and I don’t care if they beat Denver by a million they are a garbage team in a sinking neon swamp city. The only thing Miami is good at is humidity and bugs.
DETROIT OFF vs. Tampa Bay
BUFFALO OFF vs. Indianapolis
There are no lines for these games and I don’t even know why I called attention to that because I can’t imagine a single one of you would have said “Hey what about the Detroit and Buffalo games?” except for maybe Adam but that’s because Adam is a degenerate and he won’t admit that the Armenian genocide happened. “What’s Armenia?” he says. “What does genocide mean?” he says. I see through you Adam you’re on the wrong side of history.
LAST WEEK: 8-8-0
SEASON TOTAL: 89-94-10