Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that illegally voted in several state and local elections.
Well what a shitty week. It started off with the news of Deshaun Watson’s injury and then just went entirely downhill from there. I promise you that is the last time I say anything nice about anybody in this column ever again, because as NFL fans we are evidently not allowed to have nice things. We can have as many 1pm blowouts between mediocre teams as we’d like, but we can’t have anything resembling the pure joy we got simply by watching Deshaun Watson doing cool-ass shit. Even Russell Wilson, the guy who used to do that kind of cool-ass shit, doesn’t do that cool-ass shit anymore because he is constantly under threat of decapitation. Andrew Luck is dead. Ditto Aaron Rodgers. Cam Newton has turned into goddamned Frankenstein. Not even the monster. The fuckin’ scientist who couldn’t play football because he was a lousy German nerd. Watching the rote, methodical brilliance of Tom Brady or Drew Brees has its charms but they never make you say “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!” in the way that those other guys could. This season, more than any other in recent memory, feels like an endurance competition. Like its the fucking chocolate factory and half the decent QBs have already seen their flaws drag them to the squeezing rooms and only the most noble among them will be left alive by the end of the season because you know all those asshole kids died in there. Aww fuck, Carson Wentz is Charlie Bucket isn’t he? I bet his weirdo grandparents all sleep in the same giant bed too. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 6-6-1. As always, home team is in caps.
ARIZONA +6 vs. Seattle
The reason the NFL is fucked and Thursday Night Football is especially fucked is because they somehow still let these teams play in prime time after last year’s 6-6 tie. And this year both teams seem significantly worse! Any owner or pizza magnate who complains about the ratings for this game can get fucked. Just run a montage of missed field goals and save these players the head trauma.
WASHINGTON +1 vs. Minnesota
Good news! Teddy Bridgewater has been reactivated after his leg almost fell off! Bad News! Sam Bradford has been put on injured reserve because his leg is slowly rotting from the inside! Good news! I don’t think that trade off makes the team any worse! Bad news! I don’t think that trade off makes the team any better! Case Keenum was probably the quarterback going forward anyway and if I know anything about Case Keenum it’s that Minnesota can sit back, relax, and ride their defense to a first round playoff loss.
CHICAGO -6 vs. Green Bay
This is a humbling line to look at in Week 10 if you’re a Packer fan. I guess the silver lining is that the defense looks ten times worse without Rodgers propping up the offense, and maybe Dom Capers will finally get fired. Then again, we’ve seen this happen before. Dom Capers at this point is Donald Pleasence in the Halloween movies. They keep putting him in charge of watching Michael Myers and he keeps escaping to kill teenagers without for a second thinking maybe fewer teenagers would die if they didn’t keep trusting some old dickhead.
Pittsburgh -10 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
“Andrew Luck’s problems are mental.” says the fucking dude whose idea of adversity is getting nauseated during a Dark Side of the Moon laser show and having to yell until the technician turned it off.
LA Chargers +3.5 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Jacksonville is Philip Rivers’ favorite city in America because it’s the only place in the country where nobody has ever worn a condom.
NY Jets -2.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
Ah, the Ryan Fitzpatrick revenge game. A lot of people think “Revenge is a dish best served cold” is a line from Shakespeare but if you studied at Harvard like Ryan Fitzpatrick you would know that it is actually a bastardization of a quote from French novelist Eugene Sue whose real quote was OHHH MY GOD SCHOOL IS SO FUCKING BORING EAT SHIT RYAN FITZPATRICK EVERYONE WHO WENT TO HARVARD SHOULD BE IN PRISON.
TENNESSEE -4 vs. Cincinnati
A real easy way to beat the Bengals seems to be to call AJ Green names until he flips out and starts throwing punches. He’s really sensitive though so I bet if you said something incredibly offensive like “Andy Dalton and Marvin Lewis made your career.” he would burn down your house with your kids inside.
New Orleans -3 vs. BUFFALO
Two teams with stronger than expected defenses who also happen to be the last two teams to fire Rob Ryan. Sounds like it could be a coincidence but I bet any janitor who has to clean a bathroom stall after Rob Ryan leaves could have told you the next guy in there is always going to feel like a goddamned blessing.
DETROIT -12 vs. Cleveland
Shout-out to Matt Prater who won both of my fantasy football match-ups for me this week when I was losing going into Monday night. Matt Prater also happens to be the best player in this game so we can move the fuck along.
LA RAMS -11 vs. Houston
As bad as I feel about Deshaun Watson’s injury I’m thrilled that Bob McNair is suffering for it. They never could have realistically signed Kaepernick either because in-stadium advertising is too important to individual teams and Houston’s flag-fucking captains of industry would have pulled their support immediately if the Texans wanted to do the “right” thing and try to win football games. Best to trot out Tom Savage and keep those “Crazy Ed’s Barn Supply Emporium” dollars rolling in.
ATLANTA -3 vs. Dallas
Dallas seems like a much better team but I’m picking Atlanta because the NFL is weird. Jerry Jones is trying to get Goodell fired because he suspended his star player, which is hilarious because when Goodell was trying to suspend Tom Brady Jerrah wanted to blow him so hard he’d surface with an orange mustache. It’s almost like Jerry Jones is a wildly petty dickhead who doesn’t consider consequences until they pertain to him. He’ll gladly laugh at another owner getting their dick caught in a mousetrap but then throw a fit when he’s the one who gets burned trying to fuck the cheese. Wait what?
SAN FRANCISCO +2.5 vs. NY Giants
“The Giants are moving on from Eli Manning” say the headlines, when they might as well say “The Giants are moving on from football to become a very bad landscaping company.”
New England -7.5 vs. DENVER
Tom Brady and the Patriots always struggle in Denver, and their defense is bad, so maybe Denver can hang in this one and even pull off an upset. *Cue Brock Osweiler getting his head caught in a sunroof and yelling at Emmanuel Sanders*
Miami +9 vs. CAROLINA
Jon Gruden is gonna call Jay Cutler a gunslinger as he throws 5 yard checkdowns and probably come up with some dumbass name for Cam Newton like “Slugger.” Avoid this game at all costs and get a decent night’s sleep.
LAST WEEK: 6-6-1
SEASON TOTAL: 54-70-5