Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that is currently on vacation and will be mailing it in even harder than usual.
Wow holy shit for once the goddamned NFL trade deadline had a whole bunch of shit go down. Was any of it important? I don’t know, probably not. Maybe the Seahawks finding a guy who can finally stop Russell Wilson’s brutal murder was a good move. Or the Bills getting that one guy who was fat this summer. Jimmy Garoppolo got traded which is great because now the Patriots aren’t one Tom Brady injury away from turning into a damned Knights of Columbus. Hmm… now I want some spaghetti. That’s how they get you. ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 7-6-0, as always home team is in caps.
Bills -3 vs. NY JETS
My friend Adam thinks the Bills are good but I keep having to tell him that they’re not. Their recent winning has only emboldened him and now he thinks he can tell me other stuff that is good too, like country music and baldness and this bullshit column. I’m not buying it Adam. You don’t know what’s good. Go to fuckin hell.
Denver +9 vs. PHILADELPHIA
I don’t know who the hell is playing quarterback for Denver and don’t you fucking dare ask me to look it up. I’m on vacation. You look it up. I guess it doesn’t really matter because I think they are just the same guy but of varying lengths. Is Long Shitty Generic QB better than Shorter Shitty Generic QB? Nah probably not.
LA Rams -3.5 vs. NY GIANTS
Watching Eli bumble around like fucking Clouseau out there has been really enjoyable. I hope he never retires and he just keeps showing up and getting his head dunked in a toilet. It’s cool that Jared Goff is turning out to be good because last year he looked like someone who learned how to play football through the mail. I guess it’s a shame he’ll be wasting his career in LA, but he could be doing in in Jacksonville where nobody is good-looking and everything is made of industrial waste.
NEW ORLEANS -7 vs. Tampa Bay
This division is fucking stupid because the team that is supposed to be good is never the actual good team. Start making sense or I swear to god I’m gonna fucking make a phone call or send an email or something. Bullshit.
JACKSONVILLE -5.5 vs. Cincinnati
What the fuck is this?! Go away.
Atlanta +1 vs. CAROLINA
Fucked up that these two teams are the losers of the two most recent Super Bowls and each of those feels like it was a million years ago. Cam Newton and Matt Ryan’s MVP trophies are already aging like Forrest Gump’s Best Picture Oscar or that Nobel Peace Prize they gave to Mike Tyson.
HOUSTON -13 vs. Indianapolis
Deshaun Watson might be the most exciting player in the NFL right now but the chances of him making me watch this game are still zero. Maybe if there was some kind of fire or like a large dog took the football and ran around with it for a while and everyone tried to get it back from him but he was having too much fun and they couldn’t get it. Maybe then I would watch this game.
TENNESSEE -4 vs. Baltimore
Everyone forgets that these two teams are around and somehow one of them is going to end up in the playoffs and we’re all gonna be like “How the fuck did that happen???” and nobody is going to know because they completely forgot that these games ever took place. These teams could probably just hide for the next nine weeks then show up at the playoffs and say “We’re 9-7 give us the Wild Cards” and everyone will shrug and say “Sounds about right.”
Arizona -1.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
SEATTLE -7 vs. Washington
Wait a minute… Seattle is IN Washington, but Washington is where the Pentagon is. The Pentagon was attacked during 9/11. You see where this is going? I don’t. But Pete Carroll has spent a lot of money on yarns and push-pins this week and if you give him a couple more days he’s for sure going to get to the bottom of it..
Kansas City PK vs. DALLAS
Zeke’s suspension has been uninstated and reinstated more times than Andy Reid’s self-imposed ban from Golden Corral! Haha but seriously folks, Dallas is likely screwed without him and it could not have happened to a better person than Jerry Jones at a better time than this. For all his fuckstick posturing and catering to a fanbase of Yosemite Sams, his giant building is more likely to be empty because of the other team kneeling at the end of the game than anyone kneeling at the beginning.
Oakland -3 vs. MIAMI
These are probably the two most disappointing teams in the AFC which is funny because it seems like they always are and people still make the mistake of assuming that one of them is finally going to turn it around and make a huge leap. Nah dude, they’re the Raiders and the Dolphins. They went out with Starter jackets and they’re never coming back no matter how many old rappers pretend they are.
Detroit -2.5 vs. GREEN BAY
Aaron Rodgers still out? Aaron Rodgers still out. RIP Green Bay and maybe take this opportunity to fire Mike McCarthy for being a pudgy doofus. Without Aaron out there the offense looks like they have no idea what to do when the ball is snapped so everyone kind of runs in a different direction and Hundley’s only option is “make a perfect throw into a tiny window like that other guy used to do.” McCarthy is still coming to terms with the fact that this offense only works with about three or four guys in the entire world and even then it is extraordinarily dumb and constraining. He basically invented the offensive equivalent of the turtleneck, which is perfect for this fat snapper-turtle-lookin-ass motherfucker.
LAST WEEK: 7-6-0
SEASON TOTAL: 48-64-4