Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will visit your parents on Thanksgiving and tell them you died in the war for a reasonable fee.
Not only did I backslide again this week, but the quality of the games did as well. Aside from an entertaining Washington/New Orleans game everything else was a blowout or a rock fight. I’m not going to consider Monday night’s game to be entertaining because watching two teams try really hard to lose for three hours is not entertaining it is frustrating and infuriating and as a Patriots fan I can now appreciate the hell it must have been to watch each of these teams give away a Super Bowl from the other side. Speaking of giving, it is Thanksgiving week and in that spirit the Chiefs and Bills would like to give away playoff spots, Nathan Peterman is giving away footballs to anybody who wants one, and this is already giving me a headache. As with other Thanksgivings, I will be going over something either I or somebody involved should be thankful for in each game. In a year where there isn’t much to be thankful for at all let’s see if I can get through this without having to resort to petty insults (I can’t.) ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 4-9-1. As always, home team is in caps.
Minnesota -3 vs. DETROIT
Minnesota should be thankful for Case Keenum because maybe Case Keenum is good? I remember when Jeff Fisher almost let him die and I guess Case Keenum should be thankful that Jeff Fisher’s negligence didn’t actually kill him because then he would be dead and not playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings. My favorite part of this is that the Vikings only paid Keenum $2 million as a free agent, whereas they gave up a first round pick for Sam Bradford, who stinks. I am thankful that even when the Vikings do something smart it still somehow makes them look stupid.
LA Chargers -1.5 vs. DALLAS
Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram should be thankful that Dallas’s offensive line is currently made of wet leaves and they should be able to get free runs at Dak Prescott for most of the game. Dallas should be thankful that their owner’s petty lunacy is distracting everyone from the fact that this team is toast and the Eagles are going to win the Super Bowl.
WASHINGTON -7 vs. NY Giants
Eli Manning should be thankful for all of these polite retrospectives on his career and that everyone seems to forget that he knowingly committed fraud by selling fake game-worn memorabilia. I’m thankful that by the time this game is on I’ll be drunk enough that I’ll just want to watch Forensic Files and help solve the crimes like the TV can hear me yelling.
CINCINNATI -8 vs. Cleveland
Hue Jackson should be thankful that his name isn’t Hue Jasshole because even though it would be really funny for us I bet he wouldn’t find the humor in it.
PHILADELPHIA -13.5 vs. Chicago
Well sure, of course Philly should be thankful for Carson Wentz and the progress he has made. But you know what I haven’t heard them say thank you for? That big fucking bell. Before Rocky happened that bell carried a lot of weight for a long fucking time in making your city relevant. Seems disrespectful to the bell that you haven’t at least dragged it out for a coin toss or two.
NEW ENGLAND -16.5 vs. Miami
Hooooooo boy that line is large. I am holding off my thanks until I know if Jay Cutler is playing on Sunday. Currently he is in the concussion protocol because his brain got scrambled by all of the interceptions he threw against Tampa. I would be very thankful if a goon-brained Jay Cutler wobbled into New England and started on Sunday but I won’t count on it. The Patriots are thankful that they were not killed by volcanoes or earthquakes or locusts while in Mexico.
Buffalo +10 vs. KANSAS CITY
Andy Reid is thankful that after his team laid a giant egg against the Giants he got to toss that bad boy on a griddle and cook up a human sized Texas omelet. I’m not sure what goes in a Texas omelet but I imagine it includes canned beans and Fritos and if it doesn’t you all better shut up about it.
ATLANTA -10 vs. Tampa Bay
Atlanta should be thankful for their two recent wins against other potential NFC wild card teams but they should also be thankful that Pete Carroll served up that Monday night game with some truly dumb calls. I guess Tampa should be thankful that this most recent sexual assault allegation against Jameis Winston doesn’t sound as horrific as the previous sexual assault allegation against Jameis Winston. Progress, you know?
Carolina -5 vs. NY JETS
Carolina should also be thankful for the Falcons’ latest wins because now the Panthers are the most likely non-division leader to make the playoffs in the NFC. The Jets should be thankful for actual jets because human flight is another amazing innovation that is often taken for granted. Haberdashers should be thankful that Cam Newton has revived their dying industry.
Tennessee -3.5 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
I am thankful that the NFL has decided to cancel this game due to lack of interest don’t bother trying to look it up you won’t hear anything about it this may have even just been a misprint on the schedule I’m not sure.
Seattle -6.5 vs. SAN FRANCISCO
These two teams have literally nothing to be thankful for other than the fact that their quarterbacks are handsome, assuming Jimmy the Wop finally makes his debut. Otherwise the 49ers don’t even have that, and that is depressing. I guess if you squint CJ Beathard looks *kind of* like Ryan Gosling, but if half of Ryan Gosling’s face collapsed.
LA RAMS -2.5 vs. New Orleans
I am thankful that there will at least be one meaningful game on Sunday that could even be entertaining to watch. It is easy to think that this is the point in the season where the Rams finally get exposed, and maybe they will. But think about this, what if it’s actually NEW ORLEANS that gets exposed? Bet you weren’t expecting that were you.
Jacksonville -5 vs. ARIZONA
Blaine Gabbert is thankful that he gets his chance at revenge against the team that stupidly drafted him, rightfully jettisoned him, and shockingly got a draft pick back for him. SHOVE THAT MISTAKE DOWN THEIR THROATS BLAINE! Hi Adam Happy Thanksgiving and fuck you.
OAKLAND -4.5 vs. Denver
Derek Carr is thankful for the love of his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ because that’s the only thing he has right now because this team fucking blows and he turned into a fucking pumpkin. Speaking of pumpkins he would fit in with the orange nightmare of a QB room Denver is currently experiencing. Try to watch this game and take a shot every time you have to say “who was he even throwing that to?” and you will have to go to the hospital before the second quarter not for alcohol poisoning but because watching this game has made you a danger to yourself and you can’t be trusted to be alone with your thoughts.
PITTSBURGH -14 vs. Green Bay
What? What the fuck is this? NO. No thank yous here. What the fuck is flex scheduling even for if you’re gonna let Brett Hundley play on a Sunday night? Get the fuck out of here Thanksgiving is over.
BALTIMORE -7 vs. Houston
I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT.
LAST WEEK: 4-9-1
SEASON TOTAL: 68-84-9