Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will slowly unravel my psyche and devolve into a screed against the sinister false moon.
Another week and another eight losses tacked onto my record. I can’t really figure out what’s wrong with my picks other than the fact that they’re bad and I don’t know what I’m doing. Can I correct this and pull out some magical rise from the ashes to finish this season with a winning record? Sure. But if I do, it will be completely fraudulent because I’m not going to change my logic or prejudices at all. I’m just going to keep shrugging my shoulders and forgetting which LA team is which and not going back to correct my picks once I finally figure it out. The good news is, if you actually use this column for gambling advice your body has already been dumped in a river and those small fish are eating it and then some kid is gonna use those small fish to catch a bigger fish and guess what? One of those fish is being served to your mom so your mom is eating your fish body right now. Circle of life, bitch. Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 5-8. As always, home team is in caps.
OAKLAND +4 vs. Kansas City
KC really looked like shit against Pittsburgh and it was bound to happen eventually because every team has looked like shit at least once this year because all of these teams are bad and I hate them and would like them to just stop. In the Chiefs’ last Thursday night road game they dunked on the Patriots and Andy Reid put together an excellent offensive game plan. If we’re to expect the unexpected, then this time the Chiefs probably will show up wearing their helmets on their feet and Andy Reid will have diarrhea from a juice cleanse instead of drinking out of a grease trap.
Tennessee -5.5 vs. CLEVELAND
“The Kevin Hogan Experiment is over” is something I saw written down this week, and I think that’s a fairly generous reading of what happened on Sunday. It was an experiment in the same way that the people who snort hot sauce on YouTube are conducting an experiment. It was an experiment in the sense that a dog eating something new that fell on the floor is an experiment. We all knew it was going to end with the subject crying and throwing up and everybody else laughing.
INDIANAPOLIS +3 vs. Jacksonville
What the fuck is this line? I watched a full Jacksonville Jaguars game on Sunday and Blake Bortles plays football like I use chopsticks. Just a lot of racist accents and dropping rice on the floor while everyone around me is embarrassed and trying to leave but it’s my birthday and they’re already there and they have to wait until next year to tell me to go fuck myself.
PITTSBURGH -5 vs. Cincinnati
Do I have any idea what’s going to happen in this game? Fuck no. That absolves me from all responsibility to write about it. Instead, since this game involves a notorious rapist who was able to skirt all charges, I can address the “Me Too” posts that were on social media this week. It was very rough to be online and have to read about all of the horrible things that have happened to my friends, relatives, acquaintances, and strangers who are women. I also realized in a much more explicit sense how devastating it can be to be a woman every single day of your life. I have nothing profound to say, and I neglected saying anything because I thought it was important to shut up and listen. I heard what you all said and it deeply affected me and I support every single one of you. Since mostly men read this thing I would also advise that you take the time to just shut up and listen and resist the urge to react unless we’re talking about my picks in which case if you listen to me your mother will literally end up eating your body through a fish as was discussed above.
MINNESOTA -6 vs. Baltimore
Joe Flacco is fucking terrible and it rules. Baltimore refused to sign Kaepernick because their Fredo Corleone-ass owner thought Ray Lewis had valuable opinions on anything. The only way Flacco is earning his $25 million is if that’s what he’s getting paid to murder his receivers.
MIAMI -3 vs. NY Jets
Jay Cutler led an inspired comeback win against the defending NFC Champions last week even though he didn’t do all that much and his numbers were still pretty shitty. But that’s about as inspired as Jay Cutler gets. Any time Cutler is down 17-0 at halftime and he doesn’t enter the huddle in sweatpants with his headphones in, you can consider that his version of being “locked-in.”
BUFFALO -3 vs. Tampa Bay
Technically we can blame everything that’s wrong with this country on Roger Goodell and the NFL owners, because if they had just let Donald Trump buy the Buffalo Bills he never would have run for President and he would have to spend at least 8 Sundays a year in Buffalo changing coaches every week until one of his dipshit sons was on the sideline trying to get his tongue unstuck from the top of a clipboard.
Carolina -3 vs. CHICAGO
This is one of those games that looks like an easy choice until you think about *why* it looks like such an easy choice. Then it looks like a trap. Vegas is trying to trick you, but you’re too smart to buy it. But then you think about the Bears being not so good and the Panthers being pretty good. You realize that unless the Bears defense and special teams plays perfectly, they can’t possibly hang in this game, right? Ahhh, the dreaded DOUBLE TRICK! The line looks too low, so it feels like a trick, but then maybe the line is too low to trick you into *thinking* it is a trick. This is where I remind you that I am very bad at this and I don’t know what I’m doing.
New Orleans -5.5 vs. GREEN BAY
RIP Aaron Rodgers this is almost as tragic as realizing that the cool dog from the commercial isn’t even your real dog. If it was, think about how many fun times you’d have with him while you were injured. Instead you have nothing. You have to sit on your couch and live with the fact that you have propped up Mike McCarthy as an offensive genius for nearly a decade, and that cool dog is probably somewhere on a beach, filming a different commercial, with a different guy, forgetting that you ever even existed.
Arizona +3.5 vs. LA Rams (London)
This game is being played at Twickenham Stadium in London and I don’t know if they name stadiums after companies like they do here but if they do I’m going to guess that Twickenham is a company that sells… hmm… eggs.
SAN FRANCISCO +6 vs. Dallas
This feels like a stupid pick because the 49ers are starting CJ Beathard and I watch a lot of Big Ten football because I was cursed by a more powerful gypsy than I am, and this kid sucked really bad. BUT since I am trying to be open minded about why I’m always wrong about things, I will bravely take a flier on a six point home underdog. I know, I know, I’m kind of like one of those bleeding people on the church windows. What do you call them… oh yeah, fuckin nerds.
Seattle -5 vs. NY GIANTS
Ben McAdoo stopped calling plays and that allegedly fixed all of the problems except for a lack of good players or good game plans or good haircuts. Pete Carroll will also be fired up after getting kicked out of the 9/11 memorial for walking around with a tape measure and directional thermometer ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.
LA CHARGERS -1 vs. Denver
Nobody is going to see this game so we can safely say that regardless of the result it never happened.
NEW ENGLAND -3 vs. Atlanta
The Patriots are 0-4-1 against the spread this year which means they are being severely over-valued every week and you should bet against them and I would like to do that but I have been remarkably wrong when trying to use logic. Atlanta will score 100 points against this terrible defense so let’s just put the Pats down for 104 and call it a night at 3am when this game finally ends.
Washington +4.5 vs. PHILADELPHIA
Ah, Philadelphia, the other “good” team in the NFL. I see you Philadelphia. Strutting around, pretending Carson Wentz’s Jesus is more important than Kirk Cousins’s Jesus. Well Scott Stapp has blessed Cousins personally and ain’t no wholesome Midwest Jesus beating dirtbag Florida Jesus when push comes to shove. Swamp Jesus fucks up Prairie Jesus every time.
LAST WEEK: 5-8-0
SEASON TOTAL: 34-52-2