Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that buys extra coarse dental floss just to feel something.
Only four weeks left in the regular season and I am getting anxious for all of this to be over and the playoffs to finally get here. Not just because we won’t have to watch nearly as many pathetic attempts at playing the game of football, but also because at that point Christmas will be dead and gone. This doesn’t even count as a hot take anymore because they make a different move about people like me every year, but I hate Christmas. I hate the music, I hate Christmas trees, I hate shopping for things and I hate receiving gifts.
Problem is, if you are a person who openly hates Christmas everybody acts like you’re demented even though everything about the goddamned holiday is objectively terrible. People actively try to change your mind and it’s infuriating. There needs to be an acceptable way to just opt out of Christmas, because nobody fucking lets you do it without a fight. If I were Jewish or Muslim it would be fine but having no religion to speak of somehow still defaults you to being a Christmas person and this is dogshit. If I need to get a face tattoo of an upside down Christmas tree with Santa nailed to it getting pissed on by Calvin I will do it, just tell me what will get you to leave me alone and stop playing that Wham! song. I am not an angry person. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 11-4-0 because I am the greatest. As always, home teams are in caps.
Oakland +3 vs. KANSAS CITY
Well I can’t back down on the Raiders now, even though playing a night game in Arrowhead doesn’t sound at all appealing for the road team. I have confidence in Derek Carr and Jack del Rio though. Wait, no, that’s not it. I have the opposite of confidence in Alex Smith and Andy Reid. That makes more sense. They’re like Abbot and Costello if Abbot and Costello needed to huddle for 30 seconds to make sure they still wanted to do “Who’s On First” for the millionth time.
Denver +1 vs. TENNESSEE
People are going to try to trick you into thinking Tennessee can make the playoffs but those people are gypsies and while you’re doing the math in your head they are taking the onions out of your stews behind your back. Paxton Lynch moves like someone gave a giraffe bad drugs.
CAROLINA -1 vs. San Diego
Phillip Rivers went to college in North Carolina which is where he first learned to make sure to check everyone’s penises whenever he went into a bathroom. So far his penis checks have had a 100% success rate but some say that may be due to his belief that a clitoris is just a very small penis.
INDIANAPOLIS -5.5 vs. Houston
One of these teams is going to make the playoffs and I’m gonna throw a rock at a car.
Cincinnati -5.5 vs. CLEVELAND
Bobby Griffiths Jr. is back! Cleveland has decided that if they’re going to have a quarterback die under center this year it might as well be a guy that everyone thought was dead anyway. I would also like to take the opportunity to say FUCK the state of Ohio if anything they should be subsidizing abortions so that nobody has to be born into that asshole of existence.
Pittsburgh -2 vs. BUFFALO
FUCK YOU GUYS TOO.
Arizona +1 vs. MIAMI
Is Miami still nice at this time of year? I’m guessing it’s warm and all that but an underrated part of winter in the Northeast is that there are no bugs around. I bet all the bugs go down to Miami and it sucks and everyone down there always has bugs in their mouths and when they talk they’re mostly just chewing bugs. No sir, no thank you.
DETROIT -7.5 vs. Chicago
Detroit could actually lock up their division within the next two weeks which is amazing because Minnesota was 5-0 a couple months ago and they were patting themselves on the back for trading a first rounder for Sam Bradford. Now they’re going to lose the division to Double Stuffed Stafford and Jim “James” Caldwell. Life comes at you fast.
JACKSONVILLE +3.5 vs. Minnesota
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you traded a first round draft pick for Sam Bradford you fucking dopes. Now you get to feel the humiliation of Blake Bortles eliminating you from NFC North contention. Bortles hasn’t even begun to unleash the beast inside yet. This is garbage time. This is Bortles time. Stay the fuck out of his way.
New Orleans +2.5 vs. TAMPA BAY
Don’t even show me these teams again. I don’t want to hear from any teams in this division again unless a hurricane is forcing them to play a home game in Detroit or Jameis Winston is successfully prosecuted for the rape he most definitely committed but escaped justice on due to a corrupt police force.
Washington PK vs. PHILADELPHIA
Jesus Philadelphia stinks. What’s wrong Carson Wentz? I thought you lived for cold weather football from your days up in the unforgiving wild of the Dakota Dome. It drops below 40 degrees and you start playing like a bunch of bookies are holding your family hostage. Love of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ aside, this kid is no Kirk Cousins.
SAN FRANCISCO -2.5 vs. NY Jets
RIP New York Jets I hope you enjoy the next two sub-par years of Tony Romo.
Seattle -3 vs. GREEN BAY
It’s hard to trust either of these teams with the way they have taken entire games off. Seattle especially. They could come out and win 35-10 or they could somehow manage to score 2.5 points total through some obscure scoring rule that only applies in December in Green Bay after sundown. One thing that I CAN predict about this game is that some point Mike McCarthy is going to fuck something up. Then he’s going to make a face like he just bit into a bad mussel. Then he’s going to defend his bad decision after the game because “Coaching is hard you guys!” Then he’s gonna have a snack. Then he’s gonna rub his belly and its gonna make him sleepy so he’ll fall asleep sitting up in a chair until his sleep apnea starts acting up and he has to go to his room and use the machine. That’s all I can really guarantee about this one.
Atlanta -6 vs. LOS ANGELES
Fuck outta here.
Dallas -3 vs. NY GIANTS
An NFC EAST SHOWDOWN on Sunday Night Football? Well this is highly unusual! I think this is the game where everyone assumes the Giants are dead and buried. They’ll lose 34-6 and Ben McAdoo will look like a giant idiot child on the sideline and Eli will do that thing with his arms after he throws a bunch of picks where it looks like he’s trying to fly away but then he remembers he can’t. Everyone will eulogize the Giants’ season. Then they’ll beat the Lions at home in the wild card round before returning Dallas and winning a 22-16 shitshow on their way to another Super Bowl. I have already prepared my will.
Baltimore +7 vs. NEW ENGLAND
If John Harbaugh doesn’t win this game he’s going to whine and cry and bitch until they give it to him anyway so might as well let the baby have his bottle.
LAST WEEK: 11-4-0
SEASON TOTAL: 99-82-8