Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that killed Fidel Castro with bad advice.
Okay, another week down and nothing interesting happened unless you count whatever the fuck happened on Sunday night which was less interesting than it was exhausting. I wish I could bet on things like “Andy Reid will have zero timeouts with three minutes left in a one point game” but you’re not allowed to do that because Vegas has children it needs to support and they would go bankrupt and the Raiders would have to move to Sacramento or Poland or something.
This is the last week of byes, so after this week everyone will have played 12 games and we only have three divisions that are being led by two games or more. This sounds exciting until you realize that only one of those other divisions is competitive due to teams possibly maybe being good and not just because everyone sucks and is trying equally hard not to fall over while tying their shoes. Parity is for losers and chumps. I would rather see the Browns going out every week and sticking their hands in a garbage disposal than watch another fucking 19-14 Bengals/Ravens game. Ugh. ON TO THE PICKS! Last week’s picks went 8-7-1. As always, home team is in caps.
Dallas -3 vs. MINNESOTA
Vegas is trying to get in my head with this line and I will not let them. I don’t care if they are screaming at everyone to take Dallas because they know a secret about Minnesota that we don’t. Randy Moss might be coming back in his prime just for tonight’s game but he still has to catch passes from Sam Bradford. I refuse to overthink this and I’m taking the Cowboys because I am smarter than Las Vegas which is why I am a wealthy millionaire and they live in a desert with scorpions and other such bugs.
Denver -4 vs. JACKSONVILLE
Von Miller is going to be chasing Blake Bortles and Bortles is going to panic and throw a pass that gets swallowed by a pelican in mid-air and dropped into a defender’s facemask for an interception. Calling it right now.
ATLANTA -4 vs. Kansas City
You know, a lot of people think the idea of eating chicken and waffles together came from black people in the south. It was actually Andy Reid’s idea though. He was trying to carry too much chicken and the grease kept making it slip out of his hands. Needing to get a better grip on his greasy bird treats, he searched for something that had crannies for his fingers, and would also make the chicken extra sticky. Almost at the end of his rope, he found a waffle in the pocket of an old jacket and the signature dish was born. It’s criminal that he doesn’t get the credit for it.
GREEN BAY -6.5 vs. Houston
This doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I bet Brock Osweiler would look really funny on rollerskates.
Philadelphia PK vs. CINCINNATI
I read an article about Carson Wentz where he said his biggest fear about coming to the NFL is that he wouldn’t be surrounded by God-fearing men. Dude if that’s the most important thing to you just go to jail. You would fucking love jail.
Detroit +6 vs. NEW ORLEANS
I take great pride in being a person who can eat a lot of shrimp. I don’t eat often, but I will routinely eat enough shrimp that I have to lie down and then while I’m lying down I will keep eating more shrimp as long as there is shrimp left to be eaten. Having said that, I bet Matt Stafford could eat enough shrimp to make me feel really bad about myself, and that’s why I’m picking the Lions.
CHICAGO -1 vs. San Francisco
Get the fuck away from me.
NEW ENGLAND -13.5 vs. Los Angeles
We have to talk about Jeff Fisher (we don’t actually have to talk about him or anything else for that matter but I’m going to do it because I’m the word guy here and I get to pick the words.) Jeff Fisher is a notoriously mediocre coach, and in preparing for one of the three best teams in the NFL this week he managed to praise two Patriots running backs who may not even exist. So, what’s his angle here? Is he mailing it in because his team sucks but he still won’t get fired for some reason? Has he suffered a head injury? Is he fucking with us? Is his entire stint with the Rams an elaborate revenge plot to get Stan Kroenke to sleep with his own daughter? I refuse to rule anything out. By the end of the season Jeff Fisher is going to be coaching in a wedding dress and everybody is going to be too scared to say anything to him.
BALTIMORE -3 vs. Miami
Ah, the much anticipated Mike Wallace revenge game. “GIVE ME $30 MILLION I DON’T DESERVE WILL YA? WELL I’LL SHOW YOU! I’LL SHOW ALLLLLL OF YOU!” *runs very fast in a straight line for seven years*
OAKLAND -3 vs. Buffalo
The Raiders are the best bad team in football history and I’m staying on this horse probably until they play the other teams in their division and lose three out of their last four games. I’m sick of everybody talking about how dangerous Buffalo looks now with Tyrod Taylor, LeSean McCoy, and Sammie Watkins because that’s racist.
SAN DIEGO -3.5 vs. Tampa Bay
I hate Jameis Winston because he’s a rapist, and a lot of people hate Jameis Winston because he’s a rapist, which is good because you’re supposed to hate rapists and Jameis Winston is a rapist. HOWEVER, Philip Rivers, while never accused of a rape that he definitely committed that was covered up by the police, strikes me as the type of guy who thinks there is no such thing as rape within the bonds of marriage. So forgive me if you find me rooting for both quarterbacks to be attacked and killed by some sort of sand worm or Tremor-like creature bursting through the turf and swallowing them whole.
ARIZONA -3 vs. Washington
If you told me before the season that in Week 13 Washington would be in a playoff spot and Arizona wouldn’t I would have poked you right in the eye because I’m a real big jerk and I was planning on doing that anyway.
PITTSBURGH -6 vs. NY Giants
This game will probably end with Ben shoving Eli in a locker and Eli having to call Peyton to come beat him up.
SEATTLE -7 vs. Carolina
Look, I don’t know either. The one thing I can truly expect from this game is that at some point one of these teams will be winning by 100 and then the game will be tied but then it will end up being not that close after all. I’d say Seattle wins by a score of 82-73. If you squint real hard, those numbers look like B2-93, which implies that flight 93 was shot down by a B2 bomber, which means PETE CARROLL WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE!
Indianapolis -1.5 vs. NY JETS
LAST WEEK: 8-7-1
SEASON TOTAL: 88-78-8