Welcome to another edition of DICK PICKS: the only online NFL gambling column that will be spending this Thanksgiving reappropriating Christmas lights from the white man.
Thanksgiving is here and this year I am thankful for nothing because I am an ingrate. Thanksgiving is a bullshit holiday invented by supermarkets to sell turkeys. Have you ever seen anybody buy a turkey when it wasn’t Thanksgiving? Of course not. That person would be flogged and pushed into a river. You know what I would rather eat than turkey? Any other bird. You ever eat owl? It tastes like knowledge. Turkeys don’t know shit. If you ever tried to ask a turkey a question a question the sheer weight of your words would cause it to fall over and break its jiggly neck. Hideous fraud of a bird. Anyway, ON TO THE PICKS. Last week’s picks went 9-3-2 (WHAAAAAAAA???) As always, home team is in caps.
Minnesota +2.5 vs. DETROIT
Detroit is at home, on Thanksgiving, in the national spotlight, with a chance to take a commanding lead in their division. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? If I know anything about the Detroit Lions, this game ends with that asshole Viking guy fucking a live lion at midfield and all of Ford’s assembly plants moving to Norway.
DALLAS -7 vs. Washington
Kirk Cousins needs to calm the fuck down. You can’t act like you’ve got the biggest dick in the world after throwing a few touchdowns against a secondary made up of inflatable car dealership tube men. Kirk Cousins is the type of guy who talks shit when he beats you in a video game but then if you ever beat him he acts like the controller is broken.
Pittsburgh -8 vs. INDIANAPOLIS
Doesn’t Roethlisberger throw for 10 touchdowns against the Colts every year? Andrew Luck or not, I don’t see why that stops now.
San Diego -2 vs. HOUSTON
Houston got fucked over heartily by the refs on Monday night but I don’t really care because I won money on the game so Bill O’Brien and his bagel chin can go kick rocks. Brock Osweiler struggled with a laser pointer on Monday as well, so much so that he hired the guy to attend all of his games and continue giving him an excuse to play like Brock Osweiler.
CHICAGO +4.5 vs. Tennessee
Speaking of being confused and angered by laser pointers, I’m shocked that Jay Cutler has been usurped as the moody house cat of quarterbacks. Jay’s so upset about it he’s spent all week knocking stuff off coffee tables while maintaining direct eye contact.
BUFFALO -7.5 vs. Jacksonville
Two weeks in a row Blake Bortles has thrown an interception off of his own receiver’s foot but that’s going to look like child’s play when he follows it up this week by throwing a pick six off an errant dildo. Can’t wait for the ref to say “UPON FURTHER REVIEW, THE PLAY STANDS AS CALLED. THE DILDO HAS BEEN RULED PART OF THE FIELD OF PLAY. TOUCHDOWN BUFFALO.”
BALTIMORE -4.5 Cincinnati
The funny thing about this season is that Marvin Lewis’ job is probably safer than ever since he won’t even have the opportunity to fail in a way that anybody cares about. Being a Bengals fan must be like being a robot in Westworld. You keep getting fucked and murdered by the same gross perverts but then they wipe your memory and when those same gross perverts show up the next year you’re just like “Buy you a whiskey, mister?”
ATLANTA -4 vs. Arizona
I wish Atlanta had a pass rush, because I’ve been enjoying the “Carson Palmer Gets His Head Caved In” tour. This offensive line is such a disaster that I expect Trump will appoint the Cardinals GM as his Secretary of Building Big Stupid Walls.
San Francisco +7.5 vs. MIAMI
Hey Miami has won five in a row! WATCH OUT AFC HERE COME THE DOLPHINS! *Ryan Tannehill somehow flies the team plane into the ocean and everybody drowns* Somebody needs to fire that offensive coordinator.
NEW ORLEANS -7 vs. Los Angeles
Okay so it was his first game and I only watched some highlights but I’m already coming out and saying that Jared Goff is ass. He looks like a goddamned stiff out there. I can see how he would be a workout warrior and a guy who has all of the “tools” but he plays football like an actor auditioning to play a quarterback on television. I’d say they should replace him with Keanu Reeves but I really don’t think Goff would be able to carry John Wick 2 and if he ruined John Wick 2 I would kill him myself.
CLEVELAND +7 vs. NY Giants
Eli Manning is going to lose this game and then beat New England in the Super Bowl because that is the most Eli Manning thing that could possibly happen on this darkest of timelines.
Seattle -6 vs. TAMPA BAY
This game is stupid. Tampa Bay? Get the fuck out of here. You think of something to say about this bullshit. I’ll be outside smoking a cigarette.
New England -7.5 vs. NY JETS
Usually I’m wary of picking the Pats to cover vs. the Jets in New Jersey but this Jets team is toast and they might as well start lying down and waiting for a better draft pick. Todd Bowles seems stubborn though, so I don’t know that he will. However, his choices at QB are some dry pine needles or a wet leaf, which gives me hope that no matter what he tries to do this team is going to end up at the bottom of a swamp where they belong.
OAKLAND -3 vs. Carolina
I actually kind of like Carolina in this game but I’m riding my hot hand with Los Raiders until Sheldon Adelson stops paying refs to hand them games they are actively trying to lose. Adelson is apparently trying to snatch controlling interest in the Raiders away from Mark Davis, which is remarkable in the respect that you wouldn’t think you could downgrade your owner’s looks too far from Fat Adult Chucky Doll, but then you run into a guy who looks like someone sucked the pigment out of the Grimace. Life hits you hard sometimes.
Kansas City +3 vs. DENVER
“Mile High Stadium? More like Pile High Plate YUM!” This has been a glimpse into Andy Reid’s standup notebook and general worldview.
PHILADELPHIA -4 vs. Green Bay
Green Bay is a fucking mess and Aaron Rodgers should be planning his escape immediately. I would start with digging a tunnel out through the bottom of the locker room, then hopping on a motorcycle and riding across the border to Illinois, only to be shot by Nazis because everybody needs to learn that there is no escape and there are no happy endings.
LAST WEEK: 9-3-2
SEASON TOTAL: 80-71-7